Mom4Life

Ways to Wean-Dry Milk? by Jenny Lee (with a follow up by Heather L.)

In honor of Heather, I decided to write on the topic of how one can dry up their milk supply in hopes it can help her as well as others.  Below is a list of things you can and shouldn't do if you are trying to wean or  dry up your milk:

1.  Don't eat oatmeal.

2. Do not bind your breasts to help your milk "dry up."

3. If your breasts feel full and uncomfortable, then express just enough milk to relieve the fullness. Don't pump or extract most of the milk.

4. Take pseudoephedrine--120 mg/day, a decongestant. research shows that it can decrease milk supply by as much as 24%. (found in Sudafed, Actifed)

5. Take 1/4 teaspoon of sage 3x per day for 1-3 days. You can mix the sage in vegetable juice (for example, V-8), but it won't mix well into other juices.

6. Another effective treatment is to apply fresh, crushed jasmine flowers (Jasminum sambac) to the breasts to decrease milk flow. A study has shown this to be effective

7. Other herbs that can decrease milk supply: Peppermint (Mentha piperita), Spearmint, Parsley (Petroselinum crispum), Chickweed, Black Walnut, stinging nettles (not nettle - that increases milk supply), Yarrow, Herb Robert (Geranium robertianum), Lemon Balm, Oregano, Periwinkle Herb (Vinca minor), Sorrel (Rumex acetosa).

* Sage, peppermint, spearmint, lemon balm, oregano, and cabbage leaves can all be incorporated into a pressed oil (cold pressed or hot) to make massage oils for milk suppression.

-As always, consult your doctor before taking any medication, OTC or herbal!

Heather, You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

With Love, Jenny Lee
__________________________
Dear Jenny, Thank you so much for this post.  The info you included above was something I never thought I would need to know.  When my husband went to our local health food store to get Sage and Parsley to help dry up my milk the lady was baffled at why his wife would want to dry up her milk.  She of course teared up when he explained and probably felt bad for saying anything.  I am sure that others will find this info helpful.  I am happy to report that I am doing SO much better than I would have expected in the area of engorgement.  I had one day of really painful engorgement.  Since then I still can feel that there is a lot of milk and they are very full but the tenderness was only present if i was touched on the second day and today (the third day since my milk came in) I am not even tender.  A BIG answer to prayer in my book!!!  For those of you who are interested here is what I did and didn't do:
-Starting on the day Sawyer was born I started taking the herbal supplements Parsley and Sage (the daily recommended dosage 6X a day).  The Parsley was in capsule form but the Sage was in liquid form (and tastes HORRIBLE in my opinion no matter what it is mixed with but Jenny is right something like V8 works best).
-The day my milk came in (I should have done it sooner probably but I forgot to get it from the store) I wore cabbage leaves in my bra all day and during the first night.  I could have/should have perhaps done it again on the second day but I went to MOPS that day and didn't want to wear it in my bra while "out and about" just in case it would be poking out of my bra accidentally;).
-I took bendryl (the recommended dose) before bed on the second and third night as I had heard this helps.  This can make you sleepy so be careful not to do this when you are going to be driving as I discovered (I took just one pill instead of two during the day and was pretty sleepy).
-I am still taking Parsley capsules but gave up on the Sage just because it tastes so bad.
I am convinced that God answered all our prayers and that is why I am feeling so much better in this area.  I think the things I did above were also very helpful and I am so thankful for all the healing herbs that God created for us to use in so many ways!

Thank you Jenny for your post and prayers!  I will follow up with a post on how things are going in the near future,  I decided to take a little blog break tonight:).

The problem with a good day by Heather Ledeboer

(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story our our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).

As I started today (5/14) I checked my emails and read though the new comments that you had left.  Each time I do this I feel such a feeling of amazing love and support.  It really doesn't matter that most of us haven't met in person.  It doesn't matter that we may differ on the topics of discipline, cloth vs. disposable diapers or if we should buy organic food, there is a connection, a bond created in times of pain.  Thank you for reaching out to me with your comments to let me know you are there, that you care and that you are praying.

After I checked my emails, I decided that it was important that I make a conscious effort to face today with good expectations.  "Today will be a good day" I wrote one of my friends in an email.  So what happened?  I had a good day.  Hunter and Ashlyn did well today and didn't act out.  My engorgement was not painful.  I got to visit with a friend. . . all good right?  Humph so here is the next problem: after reflecting on the day with a friend on the phone I realize that I feel guilty for having a "good day".  So this feels pretty pathetic.  If I have a bad day that feels bad and if I have a good day that feels bad too?!!  Hmmmmm.  So here is the root of why this good day feels bad:

It feels like:
-It is too soon to have a "good day".  Having a good day means I am not totally sad.  Not being totally sad means I am not grieving a loss.  This means I am not feeling a loss.  This means I am not missing my son.  This means I am a heartless mother.

Do you see the logic here?  There really isn't any logic so don't look too hard. 

I am then reminded of things like:
-Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
-There are countless people praying for our family.
-Despite my loss, blessings do surround me.

Soooo what do I want?  To be in a constant sate of sorrow and tears?  No.  I just have to learn what this "new life" of mine is like and allow myself the freedom and permission to embrace the full range of feelings that may come my way.  This is what I am telling myself because I know it logially makes sense.  Dispite the logic it still feels strange.

So tomorrow (5/15) we are having a very small memorial service at our church with family and just a few friends.  We have planned a time of prayer, singing some songs and reading Scripture that has been helpful to us during this time.  I am pretty sure that tears will come tomorrow and I should have enough to keep me from feeling guilty for the day;).

Here is how you can pray:
-continued drying up of my milk (THANKFULLY I have not been in pain, thank you for your prayers)!
-That the memorial service would be a special time for our family and friends and a time to honor God.
-I am still waiting back on one part of my blood tests taken last week.  The results should be back in he morning.  It would be nice to find an "answer" to why Sawyer died.

Here is what we are thankful for:
-Hunter has been doing better and not acting out as much.
-Sunshine days are in our local weather forcast, we are ready for some sunny days.
-We have my husband's parents here to help us out.

(This photo above was taken on 5/10 after Saywer was born at home) 

Sawyer's birth (part 2) by Heather Ledeboer

(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story our our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).

A few days ago I started telling you a bit about Sawyer's birth and I said I wanted to sit down and write out what I remember from the birth while it was still fresh in my mind.  Below are my memories of that speical day:

Several months ago I found out about a new movie coming out called "The Business of Being Born".  I was really interested in seeing this movie.  A good friend of mine had given birth at home and I was really fascinated by this as I had never known anyone to give birth outside of a hospital before.  My husband and I rented this move and after watching it, I was inspired to take the opportunity to give birth naturally at home.  Our first two children were born in a hospital and to me, this seemed like one of those things that would be amazingly empowering and I was very excited to have a birth experience like this.

I called our local birthing center to inquire about this option.  When I did, I discovered that the month I was due (May) was filled up with the number of women they can comfortably commit to caring for given the number of midwifes they have on staff.  This meant that they would not be able to take me on as a new patient.  I was really disappointed to hear this and asked if they had any suggestions for me.  I was told they would call me back and when I did, they told me that they were able to squeeze me in and I could give birth though their center.  This was really exciting for me and from the first appointment I was sure this experience would be totally different than the births of my first two children.

I was well along in my pregnancy when I switched care providers and it was really interesting to see the varied responses I would get from friends, family and acquaintances when they found out I was planning on giving birth at home with a midwife.  I am typically an "all or nothing" kind of person so I guess I figured if I was not going to give birth in a hospital, I may as well do it in the comfort of my own home.  An added blessing was the fact that I discovered that the women working at the birthing center are Christians and share my love for God.  I had no idea at the time that these decisions and plans would later benefit me emotionally when we discovered that Sawyer would not be born alive.

On May 8th (three days after we found out that Sawyer no longer had a heartbeat), my good friend Heather (who had flown out the day after I got the news to be with me during this time) was at my house helping me to get everything gathered together for after Sawyer was born.  She was the friend that had given birth at home inspiring my decision to do the same.  We worked to make sure that we had everything in one place (things to make foot imprints, hand imprints, to cut a lock of hair).  I had a cute outfit to dress him in and a list of things we wanted to do so that nothing would be forgotten when the time came.

On this same day our dear friends Richie and Katie came over and prayed with us.  What an amazing blessing it is to have friends lift you up in prayer.  It is humbling and strengthening.  It is an assurance that God cares and here are people in the flesh willing to reach out and be the proof that God loves us and remind us that we are not alone.
    

On May 9th my husband and I drove into to town to see my midwife around 8:30 PM.  On the way in I was having light contractions about 5 minutes apart.  I had been having contractions all week so I wasn't sure if these were anything different or not but it was encouraging to see that they seemed consistent.  My midwife did an internal exam to see that I was dilated 2 cm and was 50% effaced.  We were ready to officially encourage labor along at that time.  We stopped at my friend Lori's house to pick up a special baby blanket that Lori and my friend Sarah had bought us for wrapping Sawyer in after he was born (with the thought that we could keep this blanket to remember him by).  My contractions stayed consistent during our visit and the drive home and had moved to 4 minutes apart.  On the drive home, I called my good friend Heather.  She met us at our home and we began our evening.  I was sipping Raspberry Leaf Tea and eating chocolate chip cookies (you don't get those in a hospital:) and we were timing the contractions.  Going into my labor I felt that God had assured me that he would carry me though this, that I would not be alone.   

It was a strange mix of emotions, going into labor.  It should be a time of excitement and anticipation and for me it was.  However, it was also a time of mourning and a feeling that this began a new countdown--a countdown to saying good bye to our dear son.  Overall I felt a peace that could have only come from God and I had a trust that he would not let me fall and that I was not doing this alone.

Our kids were asleep in their beds, my in-laws were downstairs sleeping and my husband Trent and friend Heather and I continued to track my contractions.  As we made progress, Heather would email updates to my friend Sarah who would then send out email updates to several friends.  Our system was like a well oiled machine:)! 

Her email at 11:50 PM stated:
"Contractions are about 2-3 minutes apart, Heather is in the shower.  Her spirits are good.  she is being light hearted and even laughing a bit.  Everything is ready.  She has had a few quiet moments so I think she is in a good place."

As it got later I think that Trent knew he probably shouldn't go to bed but the poor guy was likely quite tired.  As I bounced up and down on a birthing ball sipping tea and waiting for the next contraction Heather and I were entertained by him playing Super Mario Cart Wii against some people in Japan.

The time seemed to move quickly and by May 10, 2:03 AM Heather wrote this to Sarah in her email:
"Contractions have gotten stronger, just called the midwife, she'll be here in about 30 minutes.  Heather is getting a little quieter, she's in her room praying, I think all is going well."

My friends had sent me songs to compile on a CD for me to listen to during my labor and delivery.  The songs they had chosen were perfect.  Many of them were songs that had already been on my heart that week and they put to words the feelings I was having inside.  As Heather had written in her email, I was in my bedroom, lit by candlelight, on my knees listening to a CD of music praying and crying out to God for strength.

At 3:32 AM Heather wrote:
“The midwife just checked Heather and she is dilated to a 3.  Heather is going to lay down for a little while.  The midwife is going back to the birth center to deliver another baby.  Heather and I had a wonderful prayer time.  She is really present and leaning on God.  I'm gonna rest a while too.  Hopefully I'll have an update soon with some progress."

At first I really didn't want to try to rest or sleep.  I felt as though these were my last moments with my baby and that this labor was in some way my last act of love for him.  I knew that in the coming days I would not have the same opportunity to be exhausted from sleepless nights with my baby as other moms would so it didn't feel right to sleep.  My midwife convinced me though to consider that this labor may be very long and I would need my strength.  I decided to try resting but was pretty sure that there was no way I could actually fall asleep with my contractions.  Two hours later I woke up to stronger contractions and thought "you are kidding me, I actually slept:)?"  I was pretty interested to see how close my contractions were at that point because they certainly were stronger.  My midwife had asked us to call her when the contractions were 3-4 min apart and at least 40 seconds long and too painful for me to talk during them.  I determined that my contractions qualified for the requirement of being too painful to talk through but they were not yet close enough or long enough.  At 6:30 AM I decided to take a bath and for about 30 min I "relaxed" in the bath between strong contractions.

After my bath, my contractions started getting closer together.  I remember laboring over the birthing ball, with little Sawyers blanket draped over it and just crying.  This was not the labor I had in mind only a few days ago.  So much had changed in such a short amount of time.  How I wished that things could be different, I wanted so much to welcome him into the world with a smile on my face crying happy tears of joy.  I wanted to show him off to family and friends and fall asleep with him safely by my side.  I wanted to have fun trying out new Mom 4 Life baby products with him.  I wanted to break open the box in our garage holding a new infant car seat and take him for his first car ride.  I wanted to feel him kicking inside me once again.  This however was not my future.  I had a new reality waiting for me on he other side of these contractions and I need to be ready to face it.


At 7:30AM we called my midwife to come back to the house.  Heather was helping me through my contractions with sweet, gentle, encouraging words.  By the time the midwife arrived it was about 8:00AM and when she checked I was 7 cm dilated.  Things were moving along quite well.  My friend Lori (who gave us Sawyer's blanket draped over the birth ball in the photo above) had a friend that was a photographer that had also experienced the death of her baby.  She lovingly offers to take photos for families such as ours.  We wanted ideally to give her an hour notice before I gave birth to give her time to get to our house and set up so that we could start taking photos as soon as possible after Sawyer was born.  Another lady was coming along with her to offer her services to make some beautiful impressions of Sawyer's hands and feet and one with our entire families hand prints.  Around 8:30AM we called to let them know that I was pretty close and they should start heading our way.  My midwife started filling up my bath with warm water and not long after that I could tell that my contractions were changing and I was starting to feel like I needed to push.  I moved from my bedroom to the bathroom and did my best to get my pants off between contractions (I chuckle as I think back on this noting how different it is in a hospital where I would have been half naked hours before this point and would have been laying on my back in bed for many contractions before this one).  My midwife told me to go ahead and try pushing and see how it felt, if it felt good, keep doing it, if not hold off a bit longer.  Another contraction came on and I sat down on the toilet to try to brace and push though it "No! not, on the toilet!" I am told--opps:)!  Between that contraction and the next I just barely got into the tub and squatted down and was able to push again.  I remember saying "I can feel something coming."  What a silly thing to say right?  What else would be coming except my sweet baby:)?  Just moments after that (and right before 9:00AM) Sawyers little head came out and I remember sitting there in my bath holding his head in my hands.  My midwife was positioned right behind me and on the next contraction his body came out (I kept thinking "Wow that was fast" and later thinking that I was really glad I didn't stick around on that toilet any longer than I did!).  It was an amazing surreal moment to birth Sawyer in my home, into my hands.  Trent was behind me and was overcome with emotion.  I felt a feeling of calm over me and a desire simply to treasure each and every moment that I could of this fleeting day.  Things had moved along so quickly that the photographer had not yet arrived.  His skin was very fragile, so in order to help preserve little Sawyer as long as possible, we kept him in the water until she arrived.  Trent and i just sat there and stared at our little son as the minutes past.  He little body was so still and I found myself trying to will him to move, just to wake up and surprise us all.  His little body was all perfectly formed.  He had dark brown hair and a perfect little nose and lips.  We had thought that perhaps at birth we would see something about his appearance that would help us know why he had died but we couldn't see anything about his appearance that would point to a chromosomal problem.  The cord had been over his shoulder but was plenty long so that didn't appear to be part of the problem either.

Once the photographer arrived, we took him out of the water and weighed him (he was 4 pounds, 7 oz).   Because his skin was so fragile we opted not to dress him and simply wrapped him up in his special blanket.  The photographer began taking photos of Sawyer in our bedroom while I took a few moments to dress myself and attempt to fix my hair in a way that would look presentable for photos.  I remember thinking, what mom wants to have to get ready to take her first and last photos with her child just moments after giving birth?  I had to just keep reminding myself that this situation, although not my ideal plan was now our new reality and I needed to embrace it for what it was and take it all in.

After Sawyer was all wrapped up in his blanket and we were ready to take photos we invited our kids into the room.  We asked them if they wanted to see their brother.  Hunter was very ready and eager to see his face.  His first words were "I miss him already".  He then asked other questions about why his eyes were closed and if Sawyer could come back from Heaven to play with him.  Ashlyn was very hesitant, she was content to be near Sawyer but when we tried to take a photo of Sawyer's feet nestled in our families hands she did not want to put her hands near him.  I really wanted the photo but didn't want to push her to do it if she didn't want to.  We took lots of photos and when we get them back I will gladly share some of them with you. 

After the photos were done, we did the impressions in clay of our families hands.  In the photo below the lady in the red hat was doing the impressions and she was positioning Trent's hands into the clay while I watched.  I am told we should get these back in several weeks.  Both the photographer and the lady that did the impressions offer their services to us free of charge as a gift to families like ours.  It is such a unique and precious gift to give, we will always treasure them!

After we had done everything we had wanted to do, we just took time to hold Sawyer for a while longer in bed.  It is so hard to know when to say good bye, when to let go for the last time.  How can you ever be "ready" to hand your child to someone else knowing you will never again see them, this side of Heaven?  When it was time, we held on to the soft blue blanket he was being held in and wrapped him in another receiving blanket from my friend Heather.  As I wrapped him up I began to cry again thinking that this was the first and last time I would ever swaddle Sawyer.  Just a short time before we had been holding him and his little nose started to bleed and as I gently wiped it with a tissue I thought to myself, this is the only time I will ever get to wipe his nose.  It tears at your heart to have these thoughts filled with so much finality all wrapped up into one experience.

We gave Sawyer to our midwife and she brought him to the man from the funeral home.  Later our son asked why that man took Sawyer away and I was at a bit of a loss for what to tell him, wanting to give him honest answers but not wanting to give him answers that would just confuse or frustrate him.  I told him that because Sawyer was dead his body wasn't alive anymore but that his spirit was in heaven with Jesus and that in Heaven Sawyer would have a new body.  This man took Sawyer's body to a place where they will gently clean him and wrap him and keep it safe.  Ugggh!  "Why hadn't I thought ahead to that possible question so I could have a better answer?!" 
Next he said, "Mom, I really wanted to have a brother to play with, I miss him."
"I do too honey, I do too", at least for that one I had an honest answer ready and waiting.

As I think back over Sawyer's birth I am filled with gratitude.  For me it was very different from what I had first planned.  However, it was a beautiful day and I am so thankful that I could give birth in the environment that was special and comfortable to me.  I am so glad that we could have our short time with Sawyer in our home.  I am thankful that I had a water birth so that as we waited for the photographer we could have that wonderful time just staring at little Sawyer in the water rather than being worried that too much time was passing before the photos were taken and he might not "look as good" anymore.  I am thankful for the feeling of accomplishment that comes from giving birth in this way and feel blessed to have had such a quick delivery right into my own hands.  I had no tearing and my physical recovery (engorged breasts aside) has been very good.  My home was filled with people who love me and I was able to rest and sleep in my own bed.  It was a day I will always treasure in my heart.

How you can pray for us today:
-Continued prayer that my milk would dry up as soon as physically possible (even sooner would be better:).  Tuesday night I noticed that although "they" were as full as they could possibly be I had no pain in them unless they were touched, this to me is a miracle in itself and worth mentioning as a praise.
-Hunter seems to be acting out more than normal.  We feel that it is either his feelings about Sawer dying or the fact that mom and dad haven't been as interactive with him lately because of all that has been going on (he has been spending more time with his grandparents that are here visiting with us).  Perhaps it is a both of both!

We are thankful for:
-I (Heather) have not had a SINGLE night of fitful sleep since I found out that Sawyer died, I have had NO dreams, just reastful sleep--that can only be because of prayer.  I typically have dreams almost every night and it usually takes me a long time before I am able to fall asleep.
-The amazing amount of prayer being said on our behalf, thank you SO much!
-The gift of meals that have been given to us so that we don't have to even so much as give a thought to what to make.
-Beautiful friends that are so willing to help out in any way that is needed.
-The oppertunity to learn more about trusting in God to take care of and guide us when the way seems unclear.
-The gift of a son named Sawyer Calvin Ledeboer that has touched the lives of so many people in such a short amount of time.

Looking for Joy in the morning by Heather Ledeboer

I didn't like today.  It seems wrong for a couple younger than 30 to be in a funeral home staring at little boxes and containers to place their child in trying to decide if one of them is "right" for them.  It seems wrong for the lady at the Burger King drive-in to be able to look at us out her little window and not know that she is staring at two people who wanted to have a car seat with an infant in the backseat but that instead he is back at the funeral home.  It seems wrong for my body to insist that it must make milk, why can't it realize that there is not a baby here to feed?  It seems wrong that a telemarketer would call to try to sell us something when just three days ago I told him we had just lost a child and we were not able to think about time share options right now.

Today I was reminded of something that I wrote a few years ago when someone in our church died unexpectedly and rather tragically.  I wrote something simply taking bits and pieces of Scripture and combining them into a story of hope and the journey often taken when we are overwhelmed with grief or sadness.  Reading it over I found myself in many of the words.  There is great comfort knowing that "Weeping my go on all night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5b and that "The Lord is close to the broken hearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.  The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one " Psalm 34

Below is the collection of passages that I "wrote" (although "compiled from Scripture" might be a better way of putting it)

"I will put my hope in God!"
Psalm 42:5

The earth is the Lord’s and everything in it.   The world and all its people belong to him.  For he laid the earth’s foundation on the seas and built it on the ocean depths (Psalm 24:1-2).  The Lord is my Shepard, I have everything I need.  He renews my strength.  Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.  Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23).

My eyes look to the Lord for help . . . Turn to me and have mercy on me, for I am alone and in deep distress.  My problems go from bad to worse.  Oh, save me from them all!  Feel my pain (Psalm25).  I am constantly aware of your unfailing love (Psalm 26:3a).  You have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul (Psalm 31).  Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.  My sight is blurred because of my tears.  My body and soul are withering away.  I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness.  Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within . . . even my friends are afraid to come near.  But I am trusting you O Lord, saying, “You are my God!”  My future is in your hands. (Psalm 31).  Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close (Psalm 27:10).  Lord don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.  My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.  For troubles surround me–to many to count!  They pile up so high I can’t see my way out.  They are more numerous than the hairs of my head.  I have lost all my courage.  Please, Lord, rescue me!  Come quickly, Lord, and help me (Psalm 40). 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He had given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God (Psalm 40).  Why am I so discouraged?  Why so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will praise him again–my Savior and my God! (Psalm 42).  Praise the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger.  I trust in him with all my heart (Psalm 28:6-7a).  Weeping my go on all night, but joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5b).  I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears.  Those who look to him will be radiant with joy . . . I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.  The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help.  The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.  He rescues them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the broken hearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.  The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one (Psalm 34).  Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive a reward that lasts forever.  They will survive through hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough.  The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand (Psalm 37).

Songs of special meaning by Heather Ledeboer

I love the power of songs.  Here are a few that have had some speical meaning to me in this journey, I hope you enjoy them.

The Surging Sea by Heather Ledeboer

We went to church today (I started writing this post on 5/11).  As I walked in the door someone on staff gave me a sort of knowing look and reached out to stroke my arm gently as I passed and I thought "ok I am going to be a weeping mess before I even get to a seat to sit down".  In reality I did quite well as I am sure I was sitting for at least a full 2 minutes before I was again ready to burst into tears.  Afterward several of our friends told us that they were so surprised and glad to see us there so soon, I felt like "Where else would I rather be?"

In trying to come up with a way to describe why we decided to go rather than stay home, I thought of this: Have you ever tried to go swimming in a cold lake or ocean?  If so, are you the type of person to slowly walk out a few feet, stand there until all that is under the water is numb, take a few more steps, repeat the process and continue until you are standing chest deep, arms raised high out of the water wondering why you even started this process because you still don't want to get your head wet?  Or do you run and dive in deciding to just get the shock over with so you can start enjoying the water?  I think in the past I was much more of a take it slow and get used to it before going further type of person.  In this experience, I have decided to take more of a run and jump in sort of attitude.  I am willing to run and dive into the pain out of faith that God will bring me to the surface again.  I know it is going to be painful but I am not alone, there are others in the water, many of them have faced pain of their own.  I can see that they have not drowned.  I trust God to keep me safe.

Psalm 89:8-9  "O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you. You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them."

I am amazed at how so many of you have reached out in love to our family with prayers, emails, comforting words and most of you have never met us in person.  I am so blessed that my "work emails" have almost stopped altogether.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful, knowledgeable staff that can take care of just about anything that might need to be done allowing our family time to process this change in our lives.  I have a folder in my in-box named "Sawyer" and I create "rules" so that emails pertaining to him are filed in that folder automatically.  There are somewhere around 600 emails in that folder so far.  600 emails filled with love, encouragement and support!

As I read through the emails, I flag some of them if they have something I want to go back and remember to read again later.  So many of you have eamailed your stories of loss that echo the pain I feel and I just wish we could reach out and embrace each other in person and they just bring healing tears to my eyes.  Some days I am able to read them all, other days I don't.  I have about 130 emails that I haven't read just yet but I know they are waiting and ready whenever I am.  Reading them is a nice form of gentle therapy.  I can take it in small or large doses.  I can linger as long as I want and I can walk away encouraged and loved.  Thank you for being a part of the process that will bring healing.  Some of you that have blogs have posted about our journey and asked your readers to pray for us.  I have seen some of these blog posts (such as this one from a few days ago or this one that I found today that brought sweet tears to my eyes).  It is so deeply touching to be blessed to find other people that are willing to take this journey with us.  A dear friend told me today that she has felt as though she has been literally carrying this burden with me this week.  She has been so emotionally affected by it and has just been praying for us all the time.  What a sweet balm to my soul, how could I possibly have better friends and support than that?  I feel so humbled by it all. 

In the process I am learning too--learning through my pain how to be a better support to others in times of their pain.  For instance:

-I didn't realize how wonderful it would feel to read and hear others use Sawyer's name.  Every time I hear it or read it, I find that it reinforces his place in our lives and reminds me that even though he is not here in my arms now, he is part of our family and had an important role to play in our lives. 
-I didn't know how nice it would be to have friends willingly take action to check in with phone calls, visits and emails.  I know the tendency is likely to keep a distance out of fear of what to say or not say or because you don't want to be a bother or interrupt, but for me it is a comfort to know that others are here to help and that they are willing to be a part of the healing process, whatever that looks like.
-As time more time passes and the fresh reality of what has happened in our family moves into the background of other's lives, I can see that it will also be nice to have people still willing to ask about how our process of healing is going.  Remembering to ask about it next year at this time will likley be very meaningful as well.
-Almost any atempt to reach out is appriciated.  However, comments such as "What can I do to help?"  "I want to be here for you any way that you will find helpful."  "I don't know what to say but I want you to know I am so sorry and I love you" also seem to be much more comforting than words of advice or typical poetic statements of sympanty because they seem heartfelt and reflect a true desire to be a part of the healing process rather than just put a band aid on the wound.  I came across this page a few days ago and fully agree with the suggestions for what to say or not to say to someone who has lost a baby or child.

You may have noticed that I have not followed up yet on details of Sawyer's birth.  I find it easiest to type and blog at night and I know that post will take a while.  I am thinking I will need a night that starts early for that particular post.  Thank you again to those of you who have decided to walk this road with us, I am so blessed to have you on this journey.

How you can pray:
-I can tell that milk is on the way.  Tomorrow (5/12) when I wake up (I am writing this at 1:00 AM PST) I may very well be assured that this is indeed the case.  I am going to continue taking my Parsley and Sage herbal supplements and likely try The Shower Hug for pressure and pray that it isn't as bad as I remember it to be even when I was nursing a baby.  I figure as an emergency back up I may see if Ashlyn has any interest at all in nursing again for a while.

-We go to the funeral home tomorrow (5/12) to finalize things.  I am not totally sure what that will entail but I can be pretty sure I would rather stay home in bed than go.  Pray that goes as well as it can.

Sawyer's birth by Heather Ledeboer

I sit here at my computer with a desire to accurately convey what today was like.  I am at a loss for words as none seem to be exactly what I need.  I start to type and then erase it all as it just isn't enough.  My feelings don't have words to describe them.  Tears fill my eyes and emptiness fills my body.  Yet somehow in the distance almost like a melody that you can't get out of your head, an assurance remains that comforts my soul.  The events of today will forever be etched in my mind and it will leave a lasting mark on me for the rest of my life.  What I can say for now is that God was faithful and gave me what I believe to be a beautiful labor and delivery.  I believe that He carried me through the pain, cried along side me and gave me a day that I will remember to be beautiful.

I don't want to forget the details so I will soon try again to capture my memories in a way that will help me hold on to the events of today.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

How you can pray:
There are several things but for now the two things that come to my mind most quickly are:

-Wisdom for how to answer questions from Hunter about why Sawyer isn't with us anymore ("Why did that man come and take him away?"  "When can I see him in Heaven?  How long do I have to wait?") along with just helping comfort him in his loss ("I just miss him so much already."  "I really wanted to teach him games to play with me when he was older.")

-That my body will not become engorged with milk in the next few days (not sure if this is asking for a miracle or not).  I am taking herbal supplements to try to help avoid this.

The waiting game by Heather Ledeboer

An update 8:00 PM: We are now headed in to get things started.  Depending on how "ripe" my cervix is will likely depend on how long it takes.  As I was cleaning today, I went through my birth info given to me a few weeks ago by my midwife.  Pulling out the papers filled with info on how to breastfeed, how to take care of your infant, etc was another one of those reminders that I am not the same mom today that I was last week.  I am walking a road that so many of you have walked before me.  The path ahead (giving birth) has been looming over me.  Today I felt as if God was allowing me to realize that my “fear” of giving birth to Sawyer is not necessary.  I felt as if He was wanting me to realize that He loves me, He will not abandon me during this time of need for Him but that He will carry me through it.  I just need to trust in my Heavenly Father, he created me, He knows my needs even before I ask. 

Still waiting. . . no test results from my blood work yesterday yet.  My midwife will check again in an hour or so and then call into the lab if nothing is posted on her computer.  Isn't waiting a test of patience?  It is hard not to get stir crazy so my husband and I are organizing our bedroom LOL.  My in laws arrived last night and the kids love having them around.  We are enjoying their presence and extra help as well.  A friend sent me this verse today and I like it a lot.  I am going to write it out and post it somewhere I can see it often:

"When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings" (Psalm 84:6).

Taking a little break. . .

I am going to take a little break from the Friday giveaways due to our family situation right now that I have been blogging about.  I have months of giveaways lined up for the future though so rest assured they WILL return:).  Thanks so much for your support and understanding!

Our winner from last week for the Tiny Tales is Danielle.

For the rest of you, this item will be on sale  on our website for 10% for one week only!

The beginning of a journey by Heather Ledeboer

This is such an interesting journey.  It is is one thing to go on a trip where you have a map, a plan, a destination and you know when you have arrived, it is another to take a journey a "travel from one place to another".  A journey to me something you take without the knowledge of where you may end up, you can only look behind you to see where you have come from.

I can remember thinking to myself on more than one occasion that losing a child late in pregnancy would be one thing that I would never want to experience.  Now that I find myself in the situation I realize that we cannot choose our circumstances, only the way we respond to them and how we let them impact us.

I would not wish this on anyone but yet if it had to be the someone and God feels I can withstand this storm I want to be found faithful in the end.  I want to embrace this fully and take from it what I can.  I want to give to others what I can.  This life is temporary anyway right?  I want to be able to see things for the long term.  People tell me that they are amazed by my strength.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.  It is that knowledge that there is something greater than myself at work.  It is the feeling that I was created for a purpose and I don't choose that purpose and in the same way I cannot choose the path that will enable me to fulfill that purpose.

The process of grieving is new to me.  I have been blessed to have had very little to grieve in my life.  Yesterday a friend told me, "grieve how you want to grieve,".  I like those words because they are freeing.  I know that it is "normal" to be angry, to deny the situation, to want to bargain your way out of it, etc.  Some people have reminded me "remember it is OK to be angry".  I am glad this is true because who knows, tomorrow I just might feel that way but for this moment, I don't.  Today I have mostly felt empty, not hopeless just that I have a empty spot inside me.  I was sent this verse today from a friend, 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."  How I feel can change so quickly.  I love the fact that God is unchanging in his love for us.    

Today a friend emailed and asked how it felt to still "be pregnant".  This is a good question.  For me, it is weird to still be pregnant.  I don’t feel “pregnant” in the same way I did when Sawyer was alive, I can just tell that his spirit is gone and without feeling any movements other than contractions here and there, it is more like just carrying around extra weight.  I don’t mind it but at the same time I feel a bit of hesitation at being in public places where I am around people who don't know my situation.  My mind keeps hoping no one will ask me when I am due or what I am having, etc.  There is a bit of comfort to still be in a "pregnant state" in that it is familiar to me and there is a feeling that I still have my son near me but yet it also sounds nice to be done with the pregnancy thing.  It certainly has lost the magical feeling.  Not many enjoy the end of their pregnancy, trying to find something that still fits--this is even less fun when you are in this situation.  I feel like I am in a bit of an in-between stage.  I know that very soon I will have a short amount of time to see Sawyer and hold him and after that we will be physically be separated for the rest of my lifetime.  That feels so permanent.  However, I know that that next step is there and I feel like I have to walk through that before I can truly grieve this loss.

So now I await to find out the results of my lab work to see how much longer I will be in this "pregnant state".  It would feel nice to have answers or a reason to point to in order to help us understand what caused this.  I am sure almost anyone in this situation feels the same way. 

How you can pray: That if there is something that could be found by my blood work today, it will be.  That we will know the best time to give birth to Sawyer.  That the birth would go smoothly, be grace-fulled and safe.  That any good that can possibly come from this will.