Q & A #1 by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Saturday, May 31, 2008
I am working on answering some of your questions from this post. I started answering one last night about how we found out that Sawyer had died and I have it mostly finished but for some reason I am not quite ready to post it yet. So I will hang on to it for a bit longer until I am ready. Below is the question from Sara that I am answering today:
Q: I’ve got a question I think you’d be a good one to answer. My brother has a friend (a couple) that I’ve known all my life. I’m 15 years younger than my brother so I don’t exactly share his friends but I like this couple. I don’t see them often but tonight I was at my brothers with my kids and they were their playing with my kids. The man was so wonderful with the kids, like better than usual. I know their story as well as I know my own but I had a clueless moment tonight. They had a daughter who was still born 6 years ago. I asked if they had any children and they said yes a daughter, and I said how old is she and they said she’d be six soon, then to her father I said, she must REALLY love you, I bet she loves to play with you, neither of them said anything and it wasn’t until then that I remembered what had happened to them and her. I couldn’t think of anything to say so I said nothing, which I know was wrong. What would you prefer someone to say to you, that said something insensitive (not meaning too) about Sawyer, (Like forgetting you lost him or referring to him as alive). What would you like someone to say in that situation? Once again you’ve been in my prayers. I’d never personally heard the name Sawyer before, last night at my son’s Kindergarten Graduation a little boy named Sawyer graduated too, I thought of you and said a prayer. We love you Heather. ~Sara
A: Sara, this is a good question. I have thought over this and for me personally, I respond well to honesty and humility so if someone mistakenly said something that was insensitive and they recognized it saying something like, "Oh Heather, forgive me, I don’t know how I could have said something like that, I am sorry. That must have sounded insensitive, that was not my desire, I am sorry." would feel really nice. I know that addressing the mistake is much harder than ignoring it but I would much rather that the person address it. By the way, I have heard several people mention "Sawyer’s" that they have been running into lately, it is great to know that others are remembering our little boy along with us. it brings tears to my eyes to even type those words. Thank you so very much for your prayers.
Question and answer time by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Thursday, May 29, 2008
Our cement pad is now laid and drying. 
I have really enjoyed reading your comments the last two days. "Me in South Africa" posted a comment Wednesday saying:
"Good morning Heather. Today we have the same process [having cement poured] happening in our garden. When we bought our house the concrete in front of our house was breaking up badly. My mom tripped in one of the cracks and almost got badly hurt in her fall. Yesterday we finally decided it was time to fix it – and as you rightly said, the foundations for this patch was never done properly – in some places only a cm think. We had the same preparation process happening here yesterday and today we are pouring the concrete. Thanks for the new lesson with regards to what is happening in my own backyard. If the cracks appear people can get hurt by our cracks… so better we build a good foundation into our lives and that of our families."
I thought this was a great insight about what can happen if we don’t take the time to lay a good foundation. Another comment that caught my attention was from Lori. She said:
"Heather, I also have been reading your post for a while but have never left you a comment before. I am so sorry for your loss but I am so thankful that you are turning to Christ for comfort. I have shared about you with a group of ladies that I have a bible study with and how much you have impacted my life. I also shared how I couldn’t imagine living the path that God has you walking down. My very knowledgeable friend told me that God doesn’t give the grace needed for the "what if’s". God gives His all sufficient grace for the moment that we need it. It hit me like a ton of bricks (she has a way of doing that though). He is always laying the foundation and preparing us for the next step-even though sometimes we cannot see where our foot may land. I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your walk with all of us."
This is so true. God gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. Jen posted a comment saying,
"I’m not sure yet what I’m learning today, but I’m going to make that the focus of my day – thank you! I just came across this quote and immediately thought of you : "When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. There will be solid ground to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Thank you for your example of faith to us all and may God continue to watch over you."
Isn’t that a great quote? It gave me goosebumps and teary eyes to read it.
As I posted yesterday, I am finding that the days are starting to bring with them more and more moments free of pain. A friend (Kristen) who also lost a child, told me just recently, "Time will help heal – that’s not to say it makes it “all better”. I learned to carry my loss and let it help shape me into a better person. I grew stronger. As you have so beautiful already acknowledged, you know there is no returning to normal. It’s creating your new normal and learning new survival tricks – much like that of an amputee." I like her analogy to an amputee. Although (thankfully) I cannot fully relate to what it would be like to have physically lost part of my body, the pain felt in losing a child leaves me feeling like I am not the full and complete person I once was. This is a strange feeling for me. As a Christian, I feel like Christ should fill ALL the empty places in my life. While it is true that there is a certain (very vital) emptiness that only God can fill, I have learned that there is also a place in my heart that can only be filled by Sawyer. I likely will not ever be FULLY complete until I enter Heaven’s gates.
Today I thought we could do something a little different. I would like to open up the floor for questions. Several of you have emailed me directly and asked me questions so I figure that there are questions some of you might have that I could answer for you. You can ask about anything, questions about my pregnancy, Sawyer, his death, something related to helping a friend going through something similar, Mom 4 Life, me personally, etc. Ask anything you like. I will answer anything I feel comfortable addressing (and likely you know from my posts I am pretty comfortable with being open and transparent) in future posts. I look forward to hearing what is on your mind.
How you can pray:
-Today I learned of a couple that lives in the area that just delivered their first baby (full term) and she was stillborn. The mom has sisters that are pregnant and due very soon. Please pray for God to surround them with comfort and the kind of support that they need for this very difficult time.
What I am thankful for:
-Oh! I just heard a clap of thunder, how lovely, This is the first thunderstorm of the year (I just took the photo below from our deck looking into our backyard). I love storms. They always remind me of how small I am in comparison to the vast creation around me.
-This may sound trivial and if so, so be it but I am looking forward to the season finale of LOST tonight;)–yippee!
Rock or Sand? by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Wednesday, May 28, 2008
First of all, thank you to those of you who posted comments to the question, "What are you learning today?" It is reassuring that we are all in process and learning isn’t it? We are all learning a lot of the same lessons it seems, just in different settings and on different time lines.
Because of the topic of yesterday’s post, I started today wondering what I would be learning. Half way through the day I started feeling a little anxious because I didn’t know what I was learning yet (can you see a little type A personality here–I am starting to freak out because I can’t answer my own question:). But late in the afternoon a lesson started taking shape, phew!
I mentioned before that landscaping our yard is in the early stages of progress. Today we had some work done to lay a cement pad in front of our garage. The work began early (I woke up to this strange grinding sound outside my bedroom window) and later after I was dressed, I accompanied Hunter and Ashlyn to the garage to watch the men working. We observed as they first dug out several inches of dirt from the area where the cement would be laid. After removing the dirt, they leveled out the surface. Then they marked out the borders with wood. Next a layer of gravel was poured in the chosen area and again, leveled out. Tomorrow the work should continue and from what i understand they will lay re bar and then pour the cement.
I was thinking about this process and the time and work involved in preparing the area for the cement to be laid. It sort of sucks that you have to do all that work beforehand and can’t just skip right to the pouring the cement stage. I pondered this project for a while thinking perhaps there could be a deeper lesson learned (see now I am starting to train my mind to LOOK for lessons in my day, this is good progress I think!). What I started realizing was that any project that is designed to have lasting value must first have proper preparation. The foundation is everything. Think of painting a house and all the scraping and sanding that has to be done before hand. Think of building a house and the foundation and framework needed first. Now think of life. If I need to learn a lesson of lasting value it would make sense, based on all the examples above, that I can’t simply jump directly to the end result lesson and call it a day. The lessons I can learn from this journey will be revealed in stages as the "project" progresses. More importantly, how I view this journey will be determined by what foundation has been laid up to this point in my life. There is a Sunday School song that goes something like this: "Don’t build your house on the sandy land, don’t build it too near the shore. Oh it might look kind of nice but you’ll have to build it twice, oh you’ll have to build your house once more. You’ve got to build your house upon a rock, make a good foundation on a solid spot. Well the storms may come and go but the peace of God you will know, ya the peace of God you will know." I found a nice little YouTube video of this song for those of you who are not familiar with the tune;). So what I am learning today is that foundation is everything. If I you don’t pay attention to the details that go into the foundation of your life, where you put your trust, place your faith, find your strength, then the final result will be weak. A weak result can mean disaster when put to the test. How we weather a storm isn’t so much about "our" strength (or lack of it) but rather how firm our foundation is and what it is built on. So when people say "Heather, you are so strong, I don’t think I could handle this in the same way you are." I can simply say, "I am not strong, my foundation is strong."
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew 7:25-27
How you can pray:
-We sent my placenta in for testing at the end of last week in an effort to try to find out why Sawyer died. I will be doing blood work with a specialist on the 16th of next month. Please pray that we can find out what happened, both for closure and also to know if there is anything specific we should be aware of for any future pregnancies.
What I am thankful for:
-Today (23 days after finding out Sawyer was no longer living) I had several moments of "living" without the pain of Sawyer’s absence from our lives. Until today it felt that there was pain just under he surface at all times. Today it wasn’t there ALL the time.
What are you learning today? by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Let me take you back to a moment in my childhood:
I was young, I don’t know my exact age, but somewhere between the years of learning to dress myself and riding a bike. I had a bad sore throat–the type were it is more appealing to spit into a bowl than to swallow. We were at the Dr. office and he was going to do a throat culture. Although I didn’t know exactly what that was, it didn’t sound like something I wanted to be around for. Since leaving the office wasn’t a viable option, I decided that if I could just fall asleep, that would be a good alternative. I then proceeded to do my very best to fall asleep–quickly–before the Dr. returned to the room. Unfortunately, I was unable to succeed in my quest and I was forced to face the throat culture in a fully conscience state. It turned out I had strep throat and was prescribed some penicillin, which unfortunately, I mistook for a chewable pill (a mistake I have never since duplicated).
Yes this story has a point. . . hang in there and I will get to it.
On May 20th I wrote a post talking about how difficult it is to know how to answer the question, "How are you doing?" Today I came up with what I think is a good alternative question to the more common "How are you doing?" and that is "What are you learning today?" I think this question is better, much better. It forces us to think of our day not ask something we react to or endure but instead something that takes an active involvement on our part. It also makes us see each day as an opportunity for growth. Do you like my idea? Go ahead try it out, ask me what I am learning today. . .
You: "Ok Heather, what are you learning today?"
Me: "Oh thank you for asking! Today I am learning about pain."
You: "Pain? Oh, that doesn’t sound too good."
Me: "Actually, I think it might be good, it is something I am still churning around in my head if you care to hear what I have formulated so far, you are welcome to sit a while and I will share it with you."
You: "Well I do have a few moments, tell me your thoughts."
Me: "I would love to."
Now here is where my childhood story fits into the big picture point. Even as children we view pain as something to avoid, run from or even try to sleep through! We don’t view it differently as we get older, we just find new ways to numb it. Several days ago my son Hunter hurt himself and I was explaining to him how God made our bodies in a very special way. Our nerves tell our brain when we are in danger of causing damage to ourself and that message in our brain makes us know where our body is in danger and want to pull away from the source of pain. I explained that the problem is not the pain, it is the cause of the pain. The pain is actually a very good thing, we want the pain, without it we would unknowingly destroy ourselves.
Jumping forward to today: I was in my car sitting at a traffic light. My eyes wandered to the driver of the car crossing through the intersection. It was a man in his 30’s. My mind was suddenly jerked into a new direction of thinking and I was picturing Sawyer as a 30 year old man, strong, tall, dark hair tousled from the wind. I was wondering if he was married, if he had children. Wondering if he worked with his hands or went into an office and sat at a desk. For a few moments the thoughts were bittersweet and then came the pain and then the tears.
Me: "Oh God, this hurts, it hurts so much!"
God: "I know my beloved, I know"
Me: "Can you take the pain away?"
God: "I can promise you that your pain is not without purpose"
So I sat there in the car with tears bluring my eyes, thinking about the fact that pain aways has a purpose. I thought about how instinctively we want to make the pain go away, fix it, heal it, numb it, ignore it, remove it. I can fully appreciate the desire to remove pain. Several times in the last few weeks I have thought to myself "Ok I get why people turn to drugs, alcohol, or any number of addictive behaviors when faced with the pain of death." That allure of escaping the pain is admittedly tempting. Unfortunately, most forms of escape bring with them a host of new problems that only complicate the situation even further. So if I am in a situation where removing the pain is not an option and numbing the pain is not wise, that leaves me one option: face the pain. Face the pain, look it in the face and say to God "Ok I am here, I don’t want to be here surrounded by this pain, I want to run from it, but I trust you and I know you have a purpose for this pain, you can redeem all situations. I am ready, lead me on the path to see your purpose. Teach me everything you can through this, don’t leave anything out. Help me to learn everthing I can. As long as I am going through this, let’s make the most of it."
But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "Your are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15
How you can pray:
-That my heart would be open to learn everything I can through this situation and God would redeem our pain for a purpose and point others to him.
What I am thankful for:
-Continued lessons learned.
Ok so let me ask you, "What are you learning today?" I invite you to post your comments below.
The tree and the secret wish by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Monday, May 26, 2008
Do you have any moments from your life that have given you personal assurance that there is a God? I do, several actually and perhaps in time I will get an opportunity to tell you about them. For today however one of them is significant to share.
When I was in college my mom and I traveled to Hong Kong. It was months before the "takeover" when Hong Kong would become part of China. We went to visit a missionary from our church and to help smuggle bibles into China. SEVERAL of my "can’t deny that there is a God moments" happened on that trip. One memory that I have had lingering in my mind since that visit to Hong Kong was when I was praying with someone and I had a vision. In this vision I saw a large tree in a field. It had long branches with many leaves. The wind was blowing through the leaves and as it did, the leaves were finding flight in the breeze and being carried away from the tree to destinations unknown. I had an impression that this tree was significant in some way to my life, but no insight as to how. Today I may have received at least part of the answer.
Today was my "due date", the day I could have been giving birth to our Sawyer, had he not died three weeks ago. We wanted to do something today to remember him. We decided to purchase and plant a tree in our back yard. We decided on a Weeping Willow and planted it near what will be the kid’s play area of the yard (our yard is still in the very early conception phase of taking shape). Trent dug the hole and we each wrote out something to bury with the roots of the tree on a piece of paper (well almost all of us, Ashlyn was napping and likely I wouldn’t have understood her message anyway:). I thought it was interesting that Hunter knew right away what he wanted me to write for him: "Dear Jesus, Help us to have a new baby soon." We buried our notes and secured the tree in it’s soil and watered the roots. We are told that this variety of Willow can grow about 5 feet a year so it shouldn’t take long before its branches are reaching toward the ground and the leaves are filtering in the wind.
This brings me back to the vision given to me 10 years ago about the tree. As I thought of this tree and what it represents to me, this journey, the strength of God, the son that we were given, Sawyer’s name that means "Sawer of wood", the lessons that we have learned, the many people that have spoken ways that this journey has touched them. . . I began to see how this tree will continue to grow and as it does so will the lessons we learn and pass on. The leaves from this tree will be carried by the wind to places we cannot see and have effects that we will never see. Whether this tree truly represents the vision I was given 10 years ago, I cannot say for sure but I do know that God is faithful and He has a plan and we can trust in that plan even if we do not know what it is because we trust the planner. The bible says that every one of our days was written down before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). Where we are at today is not an accident and I believe that God has us here for a reason, a good reason.
"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Ok on to part two of this post: the secret wish.
Shortly after finding out that Sawyer was no longer alive, the reality started sinking in about how much this would hurt emotionally to give birth and have to part with my son. The truth of the situation has settled in, so fully that today I found that the logical side of my personality was making it hard for me to even mentally daydream about what life might be like today had Sawyer not died. I could hardly envision myself still pregnant and going into labor to delivery a healthy baby boy. My mind simply kept reminding me "no that is not your reality, that is not your road to walk" "Uggghhhhh, I know!" I would think, "but can’t I just pretend for a little bit?" I found that the answer was a no, I couldn’t put myself in that place, my mind just wouldn’t go there.
Shortly after giving birth, I remember mentally running through my friends trying to think of someone, anyone, who had recently given birth that might have a little infant that I could hold. My arms simply wanted to be filled. It has been three weeks and my arms have not found a little baby to hold, until today.
Our family was driving to the mall late this afternoon and we stopped at a gas station to fill up. I decided to go inside and get a snack to eat (let me mention that I NEVER do this, there is simply nothing in a gas station that I typically crave to eat when I am hungry). Moments after going inside, I caught sight of a woman holding a baby behind the counter. Three young men were purchasing something and asking her how old the baby was. "Three weeks" was her answer. My pulse quickened, my mind raced and I found myself in a very funny position of wanting both to run out the door and equally, wanting to scoop that baby up in my arms and hold her close. I paced the isles a few times trying to decide just how ridiculous I might sound asking to hold her baby. I decided I didn’t care how it looked and walked over to her and asked. She agreed to let me and feeling I needed to offer some sort of explanation for my request, attempted to share with her my reason. Between my tears I believe she got the bulk of what I was saying and judging from the tears in her eyes, I know she understood. As I held that baby in my arms, three weeks old–just as old as Sawyer would have been had he been born alive on the 10th, my mind was finally able to wander just far enough from my reality and pretend, even if just for a moment, that the last three weeks of yesterdays never happened. Today of all days, God knew I needed that brief moment to let the tears fall for what could have been.
How you can pray:
-that God will take the leaves from our tree and blow them to all the right places.
Things I am thankful for:
-holding that baby today.
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page. If you wish to get new blog posts sent to you via email, simply enter your email address in the box in the upper left hand corner).
