The last supper by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Sunday, June 29, 2008
Hooray!! Tonight was the last meal of our 10 day cleanse, we made it!! Below are some photos of how things have looked in our house the last few nights (we cook something for our kids – here it is spaghetti, and we make ourselves a heaping salad).
As promised here is my report and thoughts on "The Perfect Cleanse":
-Overall it was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Although the amount of food we ate at each sitting was small (i.e. one serving of grapes) we were eating something every few hours. Because of that we really were not hungry (expect for a few times that I was running errands in town and forgot to bring my fruit along to eat).
-We didn’t have a ton of energy (likely because our caloric intake was so small) however we felt we had enough energy to do what we needed (we just didn’t feel like doing anything seriously strenuous).
-Trent had a headache for the first two days or so (I didn’t) and we read that this can be due to your body working on getting the extra toxins out of your system (guess that means I was toxin free-hee hee;)!
-Bathroom visits were reasonable:).
-Trent lost about 10 pounds and I lost about 5 (we are not totally sure because we didn’t get our scale until a few days into the cleanse).
-We both drank way more water than we normally do (which is good) and found that we didn’t really miss drinking juice, milk, etc.
-We feel that after the cleanse we are more likely to continue drinking more water (and choose it above other drinks). We also feel that we have gotten more into the habit of buying vegetables than we were in the past (we went to the store several times over the last 10 days to get more veggies and things). I think we will continue to incorporate more vegetables (we already ate lots of fruit) in the future. We want to try continuing the habit of eating smaller meals more frequently. I plan to now add some exercise into my routine and hopefully I can check in with a positive report in a few days that I have kept to my goal in this area. I don’t plan on giving up my nighttime chocolate chip cookie however (warm from the toaster oven), if I am going to loose weight it is is going to have to be done despite my evening cookie:)!
Today after church we bought some fireworks and also swung by Old Navy where I bought a pair of shorts and a t shirt that fit me to celebrate being done with the cleanse. These shorts are about 4-5 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy wardrobe but hey, I am making progress and it was only 7 weeks ago that I was giving birth so I will try not to expect miracles.
A few of you have told me that you are going to do the cleanse as well. If you do, I hope you will let me know how it goes for you–good luck!
Above: Hunter and Ashlyn’s dinner
Above: Trent and Heather’s dinner (minus the Salmon we also enjoyed)
How you can pray: I would like to continue to get as healthy (weight wise) as possible before we (Lord willing) get pregnant again.
What I am thankful for: A supportive and loving husband (I love you honey, thanks for doing the cleanse with me–too bad you had to lose twice as much weight as me;).
My cardboard testimony by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Friday, June 27, 2008
Last week Jenna sent me a link to a YouTube video. As I watched it, I couldn’t help but cry.
I LOVE that we are all walking around with a testimony unique to us. I LOVE that in the video they used cardboard to write their testimonies on. It reminds me of beggars on the side of the street holding on to their "story" with the reason they need help scribbled out on the side of a box. Sometimes that is exactly how I feel, worn out and ragged, clinging desperately to what defines me and hoping someone will be willing to reach out in kindness. Can you relate to that at all? Are we not all in need of help? We can’t control the fact that we live in a broken world and because of that, we are all walking wounded. What we can control is what we do with our brokenness.
Several of you have emailed me and said that you don’t think you could respond the way I have to the death of my son, if you were in a similar situation. I understand what you mean. In fact, having a child die late in pregnancy was (as I have mentioned before) one of my "great fears". Don’t we all have a little list of things that we would never want to experience? This was on my list and right up toward the very top. I say that not to make you feel bad for me, but rather to point out the fact that I didn’t think I could handle something like this either. The fact that I have deserves some explanation wouldn’t you say?
A few weeks before Sawyer died, we were visiting some good friends and discussing the topic of spiritual gifts. For those of you who may not be familiar with this topic, it is found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 12:1-14. One of the gifts listed is the gift of Faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." it then goes on to name people in the Bible that demonstrated great faith, people like Noah, Abraham, Moses, and others–normal people who were blessed with a faith to do extraordinary things for God. As I thought about these examples of faith driven people in the Bible I remembered the verse in James 1:5-7 that says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord” The book of Ecclesiastes has always fascinated me because it is all about wisdom and for as long as I can remember I have been impressed with King Solomon in the bible who, when God gave him the chance to ask for anything, asked for wisdom (you can find that story in 1 Kings 3:1-28)—Solomon was later the one that wrote the book of Ecclesiastes. Because of Solomon’s example, I have prayed for wisdom ever since I was young. However, I don’t recall that I had ever specifically prayed that God would give me a gift of faith, so on that day I did. I prayed that God would give me a gift of faith, extra faith, faith to trust him in all situations.
I didn’t think much about that prayer in the coming days. In fact, I practically forgot that I had even prayed it until about a week ago when I was sent an email on the topic of faith and I was reminded of the prayer I had prayed shortly before Sawyer died asking for greater faith. Suddenly it all made sense, of course, no wonder I have had peace through the storm, no wonder I have felt carried, no wonder I haven’t been angry at God. . . it was because God was faithful to his word and gave me what I asked for, greater faith. Not only that, but he was gracious enough to give it exactly when I needed it most.
I would love for you to watch the YouTube video, if your computer connection allows you to. Then I would love for you to think about your life. If you have a relationship with God, what is your cardboard testimony? If you don’t have a relationship with God, I would encourage you to consider asking God to show you what your cardboard testimony could be if you were to place your trust in him.
I gave some thought to what my cardboard testimony is and wanted to share it with you. I would love for you to share yours with me. You can post it in the comments or send me a photo. If you send me your photo, please let me know if I am free to also post it on my blog to share with others (if you would rather I not share it just let me know).
"We live by what we believe, not by what we can see." 2 Corinthians 5:7
How you can pray: That your own faith will be increased.
What I am thankful for: The redemptive part of testimony.
I love washable crayons!
By kristinabjornbak | Category: It Worked 4 Me | Posted Thursday, June 26, 2008
Crayola sells these really great washable crayons. If you have youngsters, but haven’t looked into these, I really recommend them. They wash easily off of floors, walls, windows, faces…
Here are a few things I’ve done with washable crayons. Remember, before you try any of these, test on a small area to make sure it will wash off and not stain. I haven’t had anything stain yet, but you’d better make sure.
1.) Made an indoor hopscotch course: I think it was raining that day. We have these really ugly terrazzo floors that dh loves for some strange reason, and I happened to know that these crayons washed off our floor without a trace.
2.) Allowed Owen (4 years) to draw on the back sliding door (plexiglass?): He just has this urge to color on great big spaces. Remember my post about our, uh, mural?
3.) Made a to-do list on the sliding back door (plexiglass?): That’s pretty self explanatory.
Also remember that I am talking about WASHABLE crayons. If they are washable, they will say so in big letters on the package. Seriously, don’t try any of these with regular crayons. You’ll be scrubbing ’til the cows come home.
The Great Exchange by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The following post was marinated in tears:
Sometimes, like tonight, I just struggle to fully wrap my brain around my circumstances. So many moments in my day feel all to normal. The reality of the missing presence in our family feels like it is slipping through my fingers. The more normal things get the more that I feel like it takes all of my energy and focus to really, truly “get it”. I have Sawyer’s photo open in Photoshop on my computer and I am just staring at him and thinking about how beautiful he is. . . I zoom in and then zoom in again, looking at all the little wrinkles and pores and the zoom button just can’t pull him close enough. I try to remember or think of what it would be like to hold him again and it just hurts so bad. It is so much easier not to “get it”.
Today the funeral home called and said that they are ready for us to come pick up the urn and it just puts a strange sort of finalization to it all ya know? One day a baby, the next a fist full of ashes. There isn’t going to be any more holding him, at least during this lifetime. . . and as much as I might try to fool myself sometimes with the silly pep talk about why life is easier without a baby around, I have to face the fact that although life is easier without a baby, it isn’t just any baby, it was our baby and who wants an easier life anyway?
*
Have you ever heard of The 5 Love Languages? My two primary love languages are "acts of service" and "gifts" (if you are curious what yours are, go here). As such, it makes sense that there are a few gifts that I have received that have continued to be very meaningful to me over time. One of them is a doll that my father gave me when I was a little girl. It was "Raspberry Torte", a shortcake character–she even smelled like Raspberries (or at least to the degree that a manufactured doll can smell like a God perfected fruit). I don’t recall that there was any special occasion for receiving the gift nor was my father in the habit of giving me gifts. Couple those two factors together and you can see why it is a doll that I still have tucked away and remember fondly.
I wrote a post at the beginning of the month titled "I want my manual!" A few days ago a package arrived for me in the mail from my brother in law. I opened the unassuming package and found my manual packed neatly inside. On the cover was a note:
"Heather, I was reading your blog thing the other day and you said you were looking for a grief manual. So I started looking and found one (at Wal Mart of all places). I marked some different places I thought might be helpful. I hope this helps. P.S. There is a lot of other useful information in this manual also. Feel free to page through it!"
I really can’t put into words the way that this gift touched me. I will remember it right along with my ragged Raspberry Torte doll.
I began reading through the marked passages and stopped at the second one in Isaiah 60:20. "Your sun shall no more go down; neither shall your moon withdraw itself: for the LORD shall be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended." When I got to the end of the verse I stopped and backed up, re-reading the last few words "the days of your mourning shall be ended". I know in my head that there will be a day that I will no longer have sadness or crying or weeping but in the same way that you tend to come away with a larger bill at the grocery store when you are hungry, you tend to read the Bible differently when you are needing comfort–the words have a way of impacting you far deeper than they ever seemed to need to before, past your head and instead seeping into your heart. I need this assurance, not only that my days of mourning shall end but that they will be replaced by something greater.
I read on hoping that I would be assured that something wonderful would replace the days of mourning. I didn’t have to read far, just two verses later I found Isaiah 61: 1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” Praise God. I will not simply be dumping off my grief and leaving empty handed, I get to exchange it. I will give my ashes (which has poignant meaning to me after today) and receive beauty. I will give my mourning and receive oil of joy. I will give my spirit of heaviness and receive a garment of praise. I LOVE that about God. He is all about exchanges that are unbelievably beneficial to us. None of this exchanging for equal value crap, God wants our crap, all of it and in exchange he offers us things that we could never obtain on our own: healing, liberty, comfort, beauty, joy and praise. (After my friend Crystal read this post she sent me a link to a song based on this verse. I added it to my playlist to the left if you want to listen to it. It is called "Beauty for Ashes", thank you Crystal. And still later in the day Amy told me of another song based on this passage. I added it to my playlist as well. It is called "Beauty from Pain", thank you Amy.)
I took a self portrait while writing this post. I want to share the face of a mother whose baby sits in a tiny urn. I want you to know that even if the most sorrowful moments of "getting it" I still hold on to the gift of hope.
"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame" Psalm 25:3
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:4-6
How you can pray:
-For comfort when needed and hope to sustain the days ahead.
What I am thankful for:
-Sawyer’s Photo: to remind me that the beauty of his body matches the beauty he has left in my heart.
I’m gonna lose it! by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Stupid maternity pants, get out of my life (or at least out of my closet). I would be happy to welcome you back into my life (with great fanfare) in some future month, but quite honestly our relationship has gone on far too long. It is not that you are not stylish in your own special way or that you don’t offer great comfort to a bulging belly and bottom but lets be honest I just don’t want to need you anymore, go away! And when you leave, please take my remaining 20 post-partum pounds with you so that I can slip back into the jeans that miss me so dearly.
Ya, gotta love that baby fat without the baby, it sucks. It sucks to have a closet full of perfectly lovely clothes that don’t fit. I am too stubborn to want to buy things to fit me now because I don’t want to be in my "now" size long enough to justify the gas to go to the store to buy them. But I am also getting really tired of my narrow selection of maternity pants. You might think that a mom that owns a website filled with all things baby and maternity I would be loaded with amazing maternity clothes. Truth be told, I got a few great essentials from my selection and then borrowed from friends and shopped the Old Navy clearance rack for the rest!
So what to do about this situation. . . hmmmm lets try a cleanse!
Today is the end of day 5 of our (my husband is so great to do this with me) 10 day "Perfect Cleanse". We are eating one serving of fruit every few hours and a full vegetable packed salad (with dressing) for dinner with lots of water and some additional whole food vitamins and supplements (the exact menu we are following is outlined in the book Perfect Weight–which you can get for free if you buy any of the Perfect Cleanse supplements). I am a total fruit lover and I really enjoy salads too so I figured this wouldn’t be too bad. After day 5 I can say that it isn’t bad at all. We are surprised to find that we are not going hungry because the meals (although small) are frequent. I am really missing my night time chocolate chip cookie though!!
For me this cleanse is motivation to jump-start my body into a good routine of eating well, exercising and drinking more water. I bought a scale yesterday (I haven’t owned one in years) and was amazed to learn that there are scales that will tell you if you are properly hydrated (I asked for the model that would do my laundry but apparently that one has been back ordered for quite some time). I figure if I am putting a good 10 days into a clean start for my system I should be able to keep things going in a good direction.
So I will check in when the cleanse is done (or maybe before) and let you know how things are moving along (wink, wink).
For some added entertainment, you might enjoy this 9 min, 20 sec video that I put together as part of an "audition tape" for a new reality/documentary show that is being produced that will come to the homes of working moms who own their own business and show what it is like for them. If you have seen our "Office Video" already the beginning will not be new, for you but for any of you that may not have seen the "4 Free Friday" giveaway videos that we used to do the end of this video is a nice sampling of some of the craziness that goes down here in Athol, ID at Mom 4 Life 
!
P.S. An updated praise report on my friend that I mentioned at the end of yesterday’s post–as of her appointment today, both babies now have heartbeats, praise God!!
P.S.S. I KNOW that I am not "overweight", please don’t feel like you need to reassure me. Todays post is simply my honest feelings in regards to my annoyance at STILL not fitting into anything except my lovely maternity pants.
