Mixed emotions by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Wednesday, May 21, 2008
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page. If you wish to get new blog posts sent to you via email, simply enter your email address in the box in the upper left hand corner).
Ok so at the risk of being controversial, I am going to just tell you what is on my mind.
Did I get your attention with that first line:)?
As several of you know, Mom 4 Life supports the Open Arms Pregnancy Care Center. I get occasional emails from this center with prayer requests for women they are ministering to. The women’s names are of course kept private but the email offers details of how to pray for them. On the day that I found out that Sawyer died I had gotten an email asking for prayer for a woman who had come into the center. She shared with the volunteer she was speaking with that she was feeling pressured by her mom to get an abortion. Today I got an email follow up asking for prayer for her. After following up with this woman, Open Arms found out that she did indeed get the abortion.
My heart was twisted into a knot of mixed emotions upon reading this. The first was anger–anger that my baby was taken from me, whisked into heaven against my choice while this baby was being sent to heaven by choice. I wanted to cry out "if you don’t want your baby, give it to me!" The next feeling was sadness, this woman was at a place where she saw no other way out. She must not have gotten the support she needed and must feel so alone. I feel so sad for her to be in this lonely place. I have received so much support in my time of need, I wish I could give some of my loving support to her. Lastly I felt empathy, I now share a similar pain with this woman. Sure the circumstances surrounding the death of our babies differs, but the emptiness from losing a child, never knowing what kind of a person they might have grown to become, connects us. I cannot know the painful road that led her to this decision but I have a have an idea as to what kind of road she might be on now.
How you can pray for me:
-Hmmmm, today I am just not sure. Really I would just love prayer that God would continue to redeem this situation and make it into something beautiful as only he can do.
What I am thankful for:
-Today I drove to visit my friend Heather (who was with me for Sawyer’s birth). The drive was SO BEAUTIFUL, really it was so pretty. I enjoyed it very much. I listened to a sermon sent to me on CD by one of the readers of this blog on the way. The pastor giving the sermon had lost a son four years prior. I shed several tears as I listened. Really I enjoy crying now days. I think it is when I am crying I feel most connected to where my heart is at.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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Two questions by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Tuesday, May 20, 2008
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page. If you wish to get new blog posts sent to you via email, simply enter your email address in the box in the upper left hand corner).
It is raining today. It rained a lot the week that we found out that Sawyer died. It feels appropriate somehow.
As I work at returning to my "new normal" life I am finding that one of the things that is hardest for me is knowing how to answer the "how are you doing?" question. When someone asks me this I think "hmmm do they really want to know or did they just say that without thinking and without really expecting an honest answer?" The last thing I want to do is pretend that my life is well organized, neat and uncomplicated. But, I also don’t want to depress anyone either with the "truth". So quickly I try to assess how to answer based on who is asking, what they already know, how much time we have and how close to tears I feel at the moment.
From what I have read from some of your emails (from those of you who have gone down this road of loosing a child) another similarly difficult question will be (I say will be only because I haven’t been asked it yet) "How many kids do you have?" I NEVER knew this question could feel so loaded and could leave a mom feeling so torn as to how to answer. Most of you have told me that you simply answer according to the situation which usually means telling how many children you have that are still living and then later as you get to know people better you share with them about your child/children that are no longer living.
On a lighter note ,I made a terrible mistake the other day. Truly after giving birth two times before you would think that I would know better but no, I was stupidly optimistic. Deciding that I needed to organize my closet, I sorted out the pregnancy clothes that were now way too big, the stuff I could still wear and put away most of the winter clothing. Eying my favorite pair of jeans (pre-pregnancy jeans) I decided just to do a quick try-on. LOL I suppose you know what is coming. . . so things went pretty well as I pulled them up over my feet, my ankles did ok, my calves didn’t cause too many problems, even my knees cooperated but my thighs, well, that is where the fun stopped, and stopped quickly. I had to shake my head and laugh at my foolishness. It is amazing to me that in the past I could pull these pants up ALL THE WAY! My lovely jeans have been returned to their hanger for another day. . . probably far in the future:)!
How you can pray today:
-That I can grieve without grieving my children or my husband. What I mean is that it is hard when I am feeling down to also show my children the loving patience that I want to offer them.
-I have been deeply hurt by the way that someone I love has responded to Sawyer’s death and the way that they are choosing to "support us". It weighs heavily on my mind and heart and am constantly giving it back to God because there is little I can do about it.
I am thankful for:
-Good sleep. I still have had very restful nights of sleep, this is a blessing.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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The pep talk by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Monday, May 19, 2008
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page. If you wish to get new blog posts sent to you via email, simply enter your email address in the box in the upper left hand corner).
As the days pass it sinks in more and more that this situation is not going away. Deep down I already know that, but each morning I wake up and find myself coming to a quick realization all over again that life is forever changed, just as it was yesterday. It is as if my heart and my head are not in agreement about the reality of the day just for a moment. Then, as my feet touch the floor, my mind takes over and says "This is your new today, walk in it" and my heart calls out "Take hope, you will not be walking it alone" my mind calls out "No I don’t want to walk it" and God softly reminds me "Then I will carry you again today".
One of the things that has really struck me as strange are some of the thoughts that cross my mind from time to time. I have found myself offering my head silly "pep talks" about the things that make our situation without Sawyer living in our home "easier or better" in a warped effort to convince myself that I actually have it "good". Things like:
-I don’t have to get up all though the night to feed him.
-We don’t have to worry about the decision of if we should immunize or not (something we were still debating and thinking about).
-We don’t have to move Hunter’s car seat to the back of the van to make room for Sawyer’s car seat in the second row (we had been doing some trial runs of this and man it is hard to pass anything back to that back row while driving!)
-I don’t have to have "baby toys" all over the house again.
Hmmmmm. . . I will let you guess how long this pep talk works in cheering me up. I either find myself feeling like a total jerk for even entertaining such thoughts or I get side tracked in thinking about "not having to get up in the night to feed him" and find myself day dreaming about what it would feel like to hold him in my arms and have his little eyes gazing up at mine.
I know my lifetime is short compared to eternity. Psalm 103:15-16 says, " 15 As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more." I know that I will enjoy eternity with Sawyer, but today it feels so far away.
How you can pray:
-Our in-laws left today to return home to MN. Life is returning to "normal". Today "normal" sucked for lack of a better word. The kids seemed determined to want me to be mad at them and I didn’t disappoint. Perhaps we could have a better round two tomorrow.
Things I am thankful for:
-My body seems ok with the fact that I will not be breastfeeding (Praise God). I am sure there is still milk in there but there is no pain!
-Your continued prayers, thank you SO much, it really humbles me to hear how many are lifting us up in prayer.
-My friend Heather dropped of a HUGE trash bag full of "Little People" toys this afternoon. The kids had a wonderful time playing with them right up to bed time. I decided to just leave it all in our entry way just in case we get a robber breaking in tonight–won’t they be surprised!
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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Grief 101 by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Saturday, May 17, 2008
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).
Last Thursday we had Sawyer’s memorial. It was a beautiful service, small, intimate and lovely. We were very blessed to have one of our churches community pastors (and his wife) be willing to virtually organize the entire thing for us. It feels so overwhelming to have so much "to do" in such a sort amount of time. So many decisions need to be made in such a sort amount of time. In one week we decided:
-do you induce or don’t you, if so when?
-who will be there for the birth?
-what do you want to do to remember your child after they are born and before they are taken away?
-will you do an autopsy?
-will they be buried, cremated? Do you have a place for your family to be buried? What kind of casket or urn will they be put in?
-will you have a funeral, a memorial service? When, what do you do at one? (I surly had never attended one before for a child).
So needless to say we were amazingly grateful that Richie and Katie were lovingly willing to help us with the details of the service. We sang several songs (many of which are the ones that I have playing here) and Richie read several scriptures and we prayed together. Our desire was to celebrate the life of Sawyer that was so brief but yet has impacted us all so deeply and thank God for lovingly carrying us though. Do we understand why this has happened? No. Will we ever? Perhaps. Do we like it? No way. Does beauty come from pain? Can God redeem any situation and create beauty from ashes?
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:1-3"
Learning how to grieve is not something we are typically taught growing up. It might sound strange but I am learning to see it as a beautiful thing. Learning to grieve seems to have a lot to do with honesty and transparency. I have to be willing to be honest about how I feel, both to myself and to those around me. I have to be willing to accept and embrace an amazing variety of emotions at any point in the day. When I am laughing I have to have the wisdom to recognize and give thanks for that moment of happiness. When I am crying I have to be willing to surrender to the depth of sadness I am feeling. I find that most of my days are filled with the moments in between the laughter and the tears. Lately it is simply a feeling of deep and profound loss and sadness, a feeling that part of me is missing and the realization that the missing piece is so far away. As I put on my makeup in the morning I try to gauge if the amount of tears I will cry will justify skipping the mascara all together or not. I have been changed at the core of who I am though Sawyer’s death. The fact that I am a Christian and have a loving God to cling to does not take away the hurt or lessen the pain, it simply gives me a place to take that pain to and someone to call out to for help.
I started reading a book today called "Holding On To Hope-A pathway through suffering to the heart of God". It was sent to me by one of you that reads this blog (thank you so much Amanda B). As I began this book written by a Christan woman who experienced the loss of her very young daughter, I simply cried and cried. Her words seemed so poignant and equal to my own feelings. The author says:
"I’ve been blessed with many people who have been willing to share my sorrow, to just be sad with me. Others, however, seem to want to rush me though my sadness. they want to fix me. But I lost someone I loved dearly, and I’m sad.
Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness. Sadness is awkward. It is unsettling. It ebbs and flows and takes its own shape. It beckons to be shared. It comes out in tears, and we don’t quite know what to do with those. So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don’t want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people, "Don’t worry about crying in front of me, and don’t be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you the you’ve touched me in a place that is meaningful to me–and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief. In fact, those who shed their tears with me show me we are not alone. It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me. it is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.
Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love. Sometimes it seems like the people around us think that because we know the one we love is in heaven, we shouldn’t be sad. But they don’t understand how far away heaven feels, and how long the future seems as we see before us the years we have to spend on this earth before we see the one we love again. Fortunately, we are not alone in our sadness. In Isaiah 53:3 the Bible describes God’s Son as "a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief". And so it is on our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God’s character and reach a new understanding of him that we could not have known without loss. He is acquainted with grief. He understands. He’s not trying to rush us though our sadness. He’s sad with us."
I echo everything Nancy (the author) says. The people that have cried with us, been willing to walk this journey by our sides not knowing what it would look like, how we would react, how it would affect them or where it will take us, have given us perhaps the most deeply meaningful and loving gift we could ask for.
Last Tuesday I went to my MOPS group meeting. This was three days after I had given birth to Sawyer. I needed to get out of the house and I needed the support of my friends to get through the day. My friend Katie met me in outside the church and walked with me to check in my kids where I was also met by my friend Maggie. They both walked with me to MOPS. Simple things like not having to walk alone mean so much. One of the MOPS leaders came to me and asked how I wanted things to go, if I wanted them to talk about what had happened or if I wanted it to just "be normal", if I wanted them to pray or not say anything. Simple things like asking what would be most helpful to me rather than assuming, meant a lot. I opted for the prayer (why not get prayer when you can right?). Toward the end of the MOPS meeting, my friend Katie asked, "How are you doing? If you want to leave early I will go with you." Simple words like that make me feel so not alone. As I left, Katie and Maggie were with me and looking back I see that God was there with me that day using those ladies to be the physical representation of His constant presence and love.
I don’t want to walk this road but now that I have begun the journey, I simply don’t want to walk it alone.
How you can pray for us:
-That we will continue to learn how to live effectively in this "new reality" we have faced as a family. That my husband and I will continue to know how to help one another and our children through this.
Things we are thankful for:
-Amanda B. for sending me the book I am reading and Laura O. for having so many helpful books sent to us on grief including some on how to help your kids though it–so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you so much Kim P. for the book, beautiful figurine, book list and card and another small handful of you that have sent CD’s, books, book lists, a stuffed animal, scripture and cards of love and encouragement to us. These things are each so helpful as we begin this process.
-Today someone that I have only known though a few interactions (but she is so sweet I like to call her my friend) came by our home and dropped off a beautiful pot full of flowers for me and two toys for our children (one for each of them). The kids had such a great time with their new toys and we spent a good hour outside watching Hunter play with his water rocket toy and laughing at his new discoveries. I really enjoyed and was thankful for her gift of laughter today for our family–thank you Joann.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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The problem with a good day by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Thursday, May 15, 2008
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).
As I started today (5/14) I checked my emails and read though the new comments that you had left. Each time I do this I feel such a feeling of amazing love and support. It really doesn’t matter that most of us haven’t met in person. It doesn’t matter that we may differ on the topics of discipline, cloth vs. disposable diapers or if we should buy organic food, there is a connection, a bond created in times of pain. Thank you for reaching out to me with your comments to let me know you are there, that you care and that you are praying.
After I checked my emails, I decided that it was important that I make a conscious effort to face today with good expectations. "Today will be a good day" I wrote one of my friends in an email. So what happened? I had a good day. Hunter and Ashlyn did well today and didn’t act out. My engorgement was not painful. I got to visit with a friend. . . all good right? Humph so here is the next problem: after reflecting on the day with a friend on the phone I realize that I feel guilty for having a "good day". So this feels pretty pathetic. If I have a bad day that feels bad and if I have a good day that feels bad too?!! Hmmmmm. So here is the root of why this good day feels bad:
It feels like:
-It is too soon to have a "good day". Having a good day means I am not totally sad. Not being totally sad means I am not grieving a loss. This means I am not feeling a loss. This means I am not missing my son. This means I am a heartless mother.
Do you see the logic here? There really isn’t any logic so don’t look too hard.
I am then reminded of things like:
-Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
-There are countless people praying for our family.
-Despite my loss, blessings do surround me.
Soooo what do I want? To be in a constant sate of sorrow and tears? No. I just have to learn what this "new life" of mine is like and allow myself the freedom and permission to embrace the full range of feelings that may come my way. This is what I am telling myself because I know it logially makes sense. Dispite the logic it still feels strange.
So tomorrow (5/15) we are having a very small memorial service at our church with family and just a few friends. We have planned a time of prayer, singing some songs and reading Scripture that has been helpful to us during this time. I am pretty sure that tears will come tomorrow and I should have enough to keep me from feeling guilty for the day;).
Here is how you can pray:
-continued drying up of my milk (THANKFULLY I have not been in pain, thank you for your prayers)!
-That the memorial service would be a special time for our family and friends and a time to honor God.
-I am still waiting back on one part of my blood tests taken last week. The results should be back in he morning. It would be nice to find an "answer" to why Sawyer died.
Here is what we are thankful for:
-Hunter has been doing better and not acting out as much.
-Sunshine days are in our local weather forcast, we are ready for some sunny days.
-We have my husband’s parents here to help us out.
(This photo above was taken on 5/10 after Saywer was born at home)
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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