yellowed edges
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Sawyer's Story | Posted Friday, May 10, 2013
It’s that day again. Time to reopen the scrapbook of loss and honor the memory our son who was blessed with a life outside of pain. It has been 5 years. I never forget our dear Sawyer, yet as time passes, the edges of my memories fade, yellowed by the sunlight that has shown through. Its a good kind of aging, the kind that softens the grief and absorbs many of the tears.
It is no longer as easy for the wind to catch me off guard and unexpectedly fling open my book of loss sending memories floating helplessly about the room. I am now more able to choose when the book is opened and memories are pulled out.
Most days I keep the book safely tucked away. I don’t often pull it out to show others but if and when I do, it is because I feel like I can trust that their fingers will gingerly touch where mine cannot always reach. Sawyer’s story may give them something that I cannot, or their story may help comfort a part of my heart that held pain I had forgotten.
Thank you to those of you who sat with me as my scrapbook of loss was constructed. I have been encouraged, comforted, challenged and inspired by the journey. Thank you for remembering with us. When your need for comfort arises, it is my prayer that you will find the same loving support enfolding you.
“He will cover you with his feathers He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91:4
This video blows my book wide open with memories scattered about the room. I invite you to watch and remember 5 years ago with me. For those of you who are unfamiliar with our story of loss, I invite you to read more here.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of Mom 4 Life. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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dusty
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story | Posted Thursday, May 10, 2012
Yesterday Jackie beautifully reminded me that I am but dust. When I think about it, I can’t help but agree with her words. However, when I think about dust in my home, on my hands, in my nose, all I want to do is get rid of it, clean it up, blow it away.
Yet that is not what God does, he seems to like it.
God can create things out of dust. Adam for instance was crafted out dust (Genesis 2:7). The pinacle of all creation came from what I try to keep out of my home.
God can heal using dust. A blind man was gifted sight when Jesus applied a mud mask to his eyes (John 9:6).
God can convict hearts in the dust. After drawing in the ground, Pharisees dropped their stones and left the woman caught in adultery standing with no one left to convict her (John 8:6).
I recently heard the song “Beautiful Things” by Gungor for the first time (if you are on my blog now you can click over on the playlist in the lower right to song #1 to hear it). The lyrics go like this:
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at allYou make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of usAll around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in YouYou make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of usYou make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me newMy life is dusty. Today I am reflecting and remembering. Four years ago today our fourth child Sawyer was born still into our lives and just as silently it often feels that he was swept away like dust. Yet in true fashion God redeems, he restores, he rebuilds.
For those who love God, a groundbreaking promise is made: “All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose.”
This verse has been my mantra all year. I continue to remind myself of his promise when I am discouraged, when I am sad, when I am angry or frustrated. I lift my dirty hands to the sky and ask the Lord to do what he has already said he will do: create something beautiful from the dust.
Do you love God? Are you called according to his purpose? On this day as I reflect on the promise of God, I invite you to enter into it. I welcome you to stand in the dusty chaos with the full assurance of a promise that a garden is being planted that will yield good things, beautiful things. I encourage you to call out to Jesus and ask him to be YOUR God.
He will make you new.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of Mom 4 Life. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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A good rejection
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Sawyer's Story | Posted Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Some of you have asked what the status of my book is. I am sorry that I have not updated you. To be honest, it feels funny even calling it a “book” at this point. A manuscript, a collection of thoughts, fragments of lessons learned–those would all seem appropriate. However, until it is in printed form, calling it a book feels a like the child dressed up in a police costume trying to hand out parking tickets–fraudulent 
.
That said, I don’t likely have to clarify that “my book” is not yet sitting on your local Barnes and Noble bookshelves 
.
A few weeks ago I received my first rejection letter. These days they are emails, not letters. Part of me is sad about that (the non-letter rejection). I have seen too many movies (or perhaps just seen Anne of Green Gables too many times) where the writer goes to the post office (on foot walking on a dirt road) and is handed “the letter” which is anxiously torn open and scanned looking for the all important bottom-line-message. I feel a little robbed of that experience to be honest but I am working to move past it. Anyway, back to the main point: the rejection.
Deep down, I logically knew it was inevitable that my first submission would not end with a bouquet of roses sent to me by a publishing company begging to publish my work. Optimistic by nature however, I did have hope. After all, if I didn’t believe that it was worth publishing, it would be a waste of my time to even pursue it.
In the end I think I received the best of both:
-I had a rejection which I think is totally healthy–getting an acceptance non-letter email on the first submission is sure to have been very bad for my ego.
-I was given encouraging feedback. The agent who reviewed my manuscript said, “I’m impressed by your professional presentation. Your heart for those who have experienced stillbirth is beautiful and I see a lot of potential in this book concept to reach a large market of parents. Unfortunately, I am being extremely selective in the clients I take on right now as I explore new directions as an agent and Finding Joy in the Mourning does not fit my current needs. Since I do see significant potential in your work, I will send this along to my colleague.“ Although her colleague also didn’t see my work as the right fit for his representation, I was incredibly grateful for her encouraging words.
So I took a few weeks to gather my thoughts, have a baby and find a quiet evening and last Tuesday I prayerfully submitted my work once again. This next submission is directly to a publishing company (rather than a literary agent) and it may be up to 6 months before I hear anything back. I don’t feel rushed and most places prefer to be the only one considering your work so I plan to wait and see what God has next (I just wont be waiting at the post office .
Thanks again to those of you who have offered your personal encouragement to not give up!
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of Mom 4 Life. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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Intently focused
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Tuesday, May 10, 2011
How is it possible that after writing more than 65,000 words about the death of our infant son Sawyer that my vocabulary has seemingly dried up?
On this 3rd anniversary of his birth, I find myself at a loss for words. I grapple not only for words to describe my feelings, but for the feelings with which to attach my words. My heart has learned how to live with the loss. My mind has discovered ways of processing the pain and I feel secure in my weakness. I have found my strength in Christ. I recognize the inherent frailty of my earthly existence, which is magnified by the chalenge to invest my fleeting time in a deserving manner.
It is a daunting task: to live with intention–one that often haunts me. Not because I fear my days are limited, but because I fear that my potential may not be reached. I fear looking back and seeing missed opportunities and unreached potential.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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The process of publication
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Tuesday, July 6, 2010
It has been a while since I mentioned my desire to peruse publication for Sawyer’s story. I wanted to offer you an update on the process.
Before officially stepping in a forward direction, I had to wage a battle of the mind with Satan. To be completely transparent, I struggled for a several months with self-doubt and discouragement. I wasn’t sure that my story was really unique enough to share or convinced that anyone would buy it. It took some time for me to really decipher the source of these thoughts and identify that they were not from God. After a lot of prayer I felt encouraged that although my situation in losing Sawyer is not unique (in the United States every 1 in 115 pregnancies end in a stillbirth), my story is uniquely mine and God has given me words of hope and encouragement to share. More importantly, “my story” is really not about me at all, but about God and what he has taught me and how he has carried me through the valley of death. Looking at it from that perspective helped me to remember that God gives each of us gifts. We are simply asked to use those gifts for His glory. I love to write. Why shouldn’t I write about God’s faithfulness and see what He chooses to do with the words?
(cue Rocky music here)
So. . . renewed with a new burst of encouragement, my first order of business was to start diving in and learning what I could about the publication process. I know I love to write, but I knew nothing about how to get my writing in front of the right people for consideration. I prayed for direction and then asked my friend Google for some help.
I found a really helpful blog full of information, tips and advice for authors and aspiring authors. Next, I bought Michael Hayatt’s ebook to learn how to write a book proposal. Then, I set to work putting together my book proposal. After editing and re-editing my proposal, I researched Christian literary agents and found one that I was really excited about, Then, hand-in-hand with my husband and after a word of prayer together, I submitted my proposal on the evening of May 25th. Then I waited and prayed. Last week I received an email reply stating:
Dear Heather,
Thank you for your submission to DCJA. Finding Joy in the Mourning sounds intriguing and we would like to hear more about it. Please email me a full proposal and a full manuscript.
Yippee! Praise God! So now I move on to stage two of the process, finishing my full manuscript. I have set a goal to submit my information within a month. My manuscript is currently a little over 62,000 words and I am trying to give them the fine-toothed comb. Now is when I wish I would have paid more attention in English class. Grammar is not my strength. I am also praying for wisdom as I decide what to edit out and what content to keep and what might need tweaking and rewording. It is also difficult at times to dig back into those memories so heavily.
The good news is that you can get involved in the process! Here is how:
The last part of the book is going to include a chapter full of questions and answers. The questions will be presented to mothers who have experienced the loss of a baby. They will be given the opportunity to offer their candid responses. My desire is to provide a resource of helpful feedback and information for family and friends who are desiring to support a grieving loved one in the way that will minster to them most effectively. I have created a one question survey that I would love for you to fill out. The question on the survey is “What question(s) would you like to ask a grieving parent?“ I am looking for things that you would like to have answered by grieving moms in general. Things like “What words of comfort are most helpful for you?” or “If there is one thing you wish your friends knew, what would it be?“ You will have enough room to ask a few questions if you have more than one. Please give this question some thought and click here to share your thoughts.
In the meantime I will get back to the 62,000 words that need editing. If any of you love English grammar and editing let me know;).
I will update you as the process continues and would welcome your prayers. Truly, I desire for God to be glorified in this journey. I want to be a tool in His hands and want to be willing to be used in the way that He sees best. I am praying for wisdom, direction and contentment as I step forward and He slowly makes His path known.
((hugs))
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
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