the approaching storm
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Saturday, May 9, 2009
I have a vision in my mind. Perhaps it is a vague memory of a childhood experience or perhaps it is simply an assimilation of memories. In this vision, I am out on the water in a small boat, perhaps a canoe, and it is very quiet and calm. The sky is darkening and a slight breeze picks up, rustling the grasses around the small pond. Slowly I become aware of a moistening in the air and as I gaze over the water I can see at the edge of the pond a disturbance in the water–rain. The calm surface begins to transform as the rain approaches. I watch the rain advance on the water, coming toward me churning the water in an undeniable procession. It is apparent that soon I will be overtaken; there is simply no escaping the downpour. As the edge of the storm reaches my boat I begin to feel the raindrops, sporadic at first, then more consistent until soon I can barely distinguish one drop from another as the rain takes over the landscape of which I am apart.
This last week has been a little like that scene. As Sunday draws near I begin to feel the approaching, unavoidable storm. The 5th of May was the day we found out Sawyer had died and I have been amazed by how many days have passed between that day and when we delivered him—5 days later. At the time, I think we were in so much of a daze that the passage of time was not so apparent. I remember that we were told we could induce labor at anytime or wait for my body to go into labor on its own. We chose to wait to induce labor in order to allow for blood work to be done and for family to drive in from out of town. I remember not wanting to go out in public for fear that someone would see my belly and give me one of those knowing smiles—the kind you only get when you are pregnant. I remember having a dreaded expectation of labor and a mix of both wanting to be done with it and yet not wanting to be separated from my son, knowing the separation would be a long term arrangement. I remember many things but didn’t remember how far the 5th from the 10th actually was.
Most of this week I have found myself feeling thankful that a year has passed, thankful that I am here at this stage of the journey and not simply beginning it. While I can appreciate the passage of time, I can’t deny the pain. The other day Trent asked me what I would make Mother’s Day special. I found myself at a loss for what to say. What do you do to celebrate a life, to remember a child? Somehow nothing seems adequate. Knowing that we would be away from home for a week long family vacation over the 10th I decided on picking up a “birthday” cake from Coldstone (I love ice cream cakes and am pretty sure that Sawyer would have too:). Yesterday we stopped in route to our vacation spot to pick up the cake. As I walked in the creamery and approached the cooler filled with cakes, I felt the raindrops fall, I don’t want this to be me. I don’t want to be the mom that is buying a cake for a child that will never enjoy it. I don’t want to choose the flavor, alone. But rain doesn’t discriminate; it will cover anything in its path.
Post note: As I mentioned above, 0ur family is on vaction this week together on the coast of WA. After I wrote this, we pulled into the vacation area where we are staying this week and our car crossed over a bridge (the view from it is shown above). My eyes rested on a group of canoes sitting on the edge of the shore and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony. We took a trip together as a family today.
Re-focus: future
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Monday, May 4, 2009
It is May 4th, 1 day before the day I found out that Sawyer had died, one year ago. 1 day before my world changed. Before I was touched with the reality of the unpredictable effect of sin and Satan's far reaching grasp on this world. Before I was forced to reach out and desperately hang on to the promises in God's word of comfort and support that have been passed on and proven through generations. Before I started seeing the world through new eyes–eyes that could look deeper into the grief of others than I ever could before. Before I had to learn how to live with a deep scar on my heart.
As the one year anniversary of Sawyers birth approaches (on the 10th), I find myself amazed by the growth of other children who were born around his birthday. These children are crawling, learning to walk, babbling in the cutest way, trying out their first words. . . Somewhere along the way my mental picture of Sawyer has gotten lost. I no longer know how to imagine him: as an infant, as a baby, as a crawling–trying to pull himself up on the couch–little boy? Time has a way of freezing history in our minds. It is difficult for me to imagine our infant son as a one year old, I never saw him that way.
There are many mysteries in the Bible, things that are simply not explained. I can be ok with the fact that I serve a God that is not able to be fully understood, in fact that makes him more worthy of my awe. However, I can't help but wonder about heaven: Do people age like they do on Earth? Is Sawyer growing physically? When I see him, will he be young, old, will I know the difference? Will his Heavenly body reflect much of his Earthy body?
Today I have also been thinking about Jesus. Here is someone that I have never met in person but long to meet in Heaven as well. I have been thinking about his time on earth and particularly his profession as a carpenter. I am intensely drawn to the image of his hands. He worked with wood and tools day after day–they must have been strong and rough. I am intrigued by the thought of his personality–I would guess that he had an amazing attention to detail mixed with great creativity. I am in awe of his talent–he could take a chunk of wood and craft something of value with nothing more than his skill and desire. There is something about this mix of mental thoughts that is incredibly beautiful to me. This creative craftsman who spent countless hours in his workshop is the same man who continues to craft something beautiful in the lives of any who let him. This is the same carpenter who willingly withstood the most brutal form of death that could be attempted. The fact that he was hanging on a WOODEN cross as he died only seems to me, to further insult this carpenter. After he defeated death and appeared to his disciples, we are told that his hands still bore the scars of the cross (Luke 24:38-40).
Today, instead of focusing on what I don't have, I want to focus on what I have waiting for me. Just thinking about being welcomed to heaven by Jesus himself, imagining putting my face in his strong, nail-pierced hands and then burring myself in his warm, comforting arms is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes. Then, picturing him saying to me, "Heather, there is someone that I have been waiting to introduce you to. . . " and turning to Sawyer and looking at him for the first time, whole, healthy, bright eyed and strong. Well. . . quite honestly, I am unable to type the words without tears pouring doing my face.
I don't know what Sawyer looks like right now or how old he is but I don't need to figure that out now. Trusting in God is a package deal sort of thing. I either do it or I don't. I choose to trust and that means that I don't need to figure out the little details or solve all the mysteries. Chances are, I have around 70 years tops to enjoy the difficult portion of life–after that, I am home-free. For the rest of FOREVER I don't have to cry one more tear, I don't have to suffer one more heartache or feel one more day of pain. Looking at it that way, odds are totally in my favor, the future looks really good.
A snowy spring
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Sunday, April 26, 2009
I LOVE spring. This year “spring” weather has been a little strange and unpredictable. Just recently we had beautiful 70 degree weather–I was digging out the sunscreen and sun hats and sitting out on the patio wearing a tank top while the kids played outside in the backyard. Then a day or so later . . . snow! Not just any snow either, hard snow, lots of snow. . . then, it melted away and we had more nice weather. Then, snow! Just a few days ago we had our most recent little “snow storm” and each time it happens I think “well this is certainly the last of the snow!”
This is perhaps a little bit reflective of my thought pattern lately as I anticipate Sawyer’s anniversary while also anticipating the arrival of our new baby. It is very strange to have two events happening in our lives that are so vastly different in emotional content. Last night as I lay in bed feeling the turning and kicking going on within my belly I was practically giddy with excitement thinking about how amazing it will feel to hold this baby in our arms.
40 weeks is long enough to ask ANY woman to wait for a baby, but to think that I have been waiting to hold a living baby in my arms since October 2007 (when we first found out we were pregnant with Sawyer) and through (so far) 66 weeks of back-to-back pregnancies . . . well it is a long wait. At my last appointment my dr. said that there is a good chance that we will induce delivery at 37 weeks this time around. He said that there are some risks in inducing early but given my history (and the fact that we never were able to find out the reason Sawyer died) he felt it was the best option. I am thrilled with that game plan in all honestly, better early and alive I say. So if that holds true then that moved up my countdown nicely and as I am 29 weeks currently, I have about 8 weeks to go!
Last year Sawyer was born on May 10th, the day before Mother’s day. This year May 10th will be on Mother’s day. I really have no words right now to express how I feel about this day coming up. I think in a lot of ways I hit a point a few months ago when I sort of felt as though I had reached a place in my journey of loss in which I was ready to focus on living and not on grieving, on having hope rather than focusing on our loss. It slowly became easier to have days that were not ruled by pain and it was if I slowly moved from the cold winter into thawing warmth of spring. As time goes on I become more used to this adjustment and spring weather but then, unexpectedly the snow comes and comes hard. I still have times where I am curled up in a ball on the floor crying, questioning what season I am in–thinking that I had moved into spring and asking why it looks like winter??! Then, slowly, the sun will come out again and the snow is gone.
I can’t express enough how thankful I am for this baby that I am carrying. To have the joy of new life and the hope of enjoying it past delivery is beyond words. At the same time, when the snow comes, it doesn’t matter that I am pregnant, that I have an amazing husband, that we have 2 beautiful living children, that we are healthy, that we have a home, that we have more blessings than we can count. In that moment, the fact that the calender says “spring” does nothing to shield the bitter cold. But. . . snow can be beautiful and I have learned to see beauty in what some would only see as bitterness. And I have found that when you have just endured an extreme winter, the spring is appreciated far more intensely then ever before so here’s to spring. . .
An update: The post above was written last night. The photos below were taken this morning;). Ashlyn is wearing her BabyLegs to cover up her bare legs from her capri’s and a Zooni hat (they are so cute). Maybe THIS will be the last snow. . .
Doing the Potty Dance
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Mom 4 Life Product Feedback, The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Friday, April 17, 2009
This week was a pretty exciting one for us. Ashlyn (who turned 3 in January) is now an official “big girl” and is using the potty like a pro. We are so very proud of her. The exact “winning” method of potty training for her was a mix of things (and WAY easier than it was for our son who was not potty trained until 4 years old). We bought her some pretty princess panties and talked about how we didn’t want to get the princesses wet:). We put her panites on and some BabyLegs which kept her warm but made it easy for her to only have to take off one layer (her panties) to go potty. She watched a potty movie while sitting on her potty chair. . . The Potty Watch was also a big help. We set it to ’sing’ every 30 min. and it helped remind us that she needed to “try”. Ashlyn got very excited whenever it started to play its song and would say, “Yeah, it is time to go potty!” We soon discovered that the problem was that she would prefer to only sit down on the potty for a few moments and then she was ready to be done. So we started reading a book or singing a song before she could get up. She LOVES princess songs and so I often ended up being “Sleeping Beauty” and signing “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream. . .”. We rewarded her with one piece of candy for trying. At first all we had in the house was peanut M&M’s and I soon realized that our girl was very happy to “try” to go to get candy and perhaps she was going to have a little too much sugar in her system than ideal. So we bought some “nerd candy” which is MUCH smaller. It was It took a day or two to have the timing right. Finally she was sitting on her portable potty in the kitchen eating a snack when she had her first successful “pee”. After that she had another successful attempt when reading a book. I think once she got the idea of what the feeling of needing to go the bathroom was she was set. It makes sense too because in a diaper they never have to pay attention to that feeling and just go without thinking about it. She needed to figure out what that feeling meant. She is now rewarded with a successful pee with 2 “big candies AKA Peanut M&M’s” and 3 candies for a poop. In the last two days she hasn’t had any accidents. We do have her wear a diaper or pull up for naps and at night. We are so excited at the idea of having a break from diapers for at least a few months until our next baby is born:). At that point we will be totally excited to deal with newborn diapers again at long last!!
So our little princess, we applaud you, well done girl, well done!
As a side note, our diaper sprayer is super handy for cleaning poop out of the little potty into the big potty.
Ashlyn shown sitting on her potty reading a book and wearing her Potty Watch.
books and babies: 2 videos to share
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: The Journey of Motherhood | Posted Monday, March 23, 2009
I am working on editing a video to burn to a DVD for my grandmother's birthday. In the process, I came across two videos that I thought would be fun to share with you.
Hunter's story time:
The first video is from last month. Hunter is (I feel) a really good reader for 5 years old. However, he doesn't often choose to read books out loud to us. Recently, I discovered that he did feel comfortable reading to Ashlyn. So we started encouraging Hunter to be the one to read Ashlyn a story before her nap each day. The video shows him reading to her. This is the first time he had read or heard this story (it was a new library book). I thought it was funny to see how Ashlyn saw a "princess" on one of the pages and kept trying to point it out to Hunter while he read and then to see Hunters response to her:). Please excuse the fact that I had to set down the camera on the floor for part of the video–the doorbell rang and I had to answer it but didn't want to stop recording.
Baby announcement:
The second video is from October 29th, 2008. This is the day that we told the kids we were going to have another baby. I think it so so sweet to see their response:). And LOL, I see in the video that poor Ashlyn apparently didn't get her hair brushed that day;).
