By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood
Today is June 10, 2008, one month to the day after Sawyer was born. Today it snowed. Yes you did read that correctly, in the early morning we had snow here–today! For those of you who have been reading my blog since this last winter will remember that we had a record breaking amount of snow (click here to see a photo of my husband working on shoveling out our driveway taken this past winter).
The snow this morning was a good reminder that life can be very unexpected. It is so easy to get into our routines and schedules and have our plans and goals and feel very "in charge" when in fact we really have very little control.
I read another blog called "Bring the Rain, the story of Audrey Caroline" (at the suggestion of no less than at least ten separate people). I love reading this blog because not only is Angie’s story similar to my own, but she also has a love for God and is opening herself up as she travels her own journey. Yesterday I read this post in which Angie begins by talking about cleaning. She says, "For some reason, when I am in the midst of a crisis, I feel the need to clean. I want my house to be spotless, everything in its place. I have heard that this can be part of the grieving process, and it makes sense. There is a need for something to be controlled and in order." I can really relate to this. I already am a "cleaner". I don’t feel that I can fully relax until my environment is in order. However, since Sawyer has died, there have been times when I can tell that my desire to clean reaches past the need to irradiate the surface dirt and instead to disinfect deep down. I want to clean up everything–my house (scrub, scrub) my life, (scrub, scrub) my plans that have been so drastically changed for me (scrub, scrub). As I think about the unexpectedness of life, I find that I am faced with two options:
1) I can say "I have lost my control" or
2) I can say "I relinquish my control".
On the surface these two statements may sound similar in action, but I believe they are drastically different in meaning.
Losing control is simply admitting that we our powerless, while still leaving us feeling hopeless and lost. Relinquishing our control admits that although we are powerless, there is someone more powerful that has control. It is likely that whole pride thing, but I would much rather relinquish my control freely than have it "taken" away suddenly. So today I am choosing to relinquish my control. I give it to my Heavenly Father, who has it anyway and trust that he knows what is best for me, just as any good parent does. The only bummer is that this is one of those "lather, rinse, repeat" type of things in life. I find that I have to relinquish my control regularly as I find myself starting to pull at the fringes in an attempt to grab a hold of my life more often than I would like to admit.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
So, what are YOU learning today?
How you can pray:
-That I will relinquish control in all the right areas.
What I am thankful for:
-a clean house:) and the fact that I can trust my Heavenly Father to take care of my life.