Cleaning and Control

By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood

Today is June 10, 2008, one month to the day after Sawyer was born. Today it snowed. Yes you did read that correctly, in the early morning we had snow here–today! For those of you who have been reading my blog since this last winter will remember that we had a record breaking amount of snow (click here to see a photo of my husband working on shoveling out our driveway taken this past winter).

The snow this morning was a good reminder that life can be very unexpected. It is so easy to get into our routines and schedules and have our plans and goals and feel very "in charge" when in fact we really have very little control.

I read another blog called "Bring the Rain, the story of Audrey Caroline" (at the suggestion of no less than at least ten separate people). I love reading this blog because not only is Angie’s story similar to my own, but she also has a love for God and is opening herself up as she travels her own journey. Yesterday I read this post in which Angie begins by talking about cleaning. She says, "For some reason, when I am in the midst of a crisis, I feel the need to clean. I want my house to be spotless, everything in its place. I have heard that this can be part of the grieving process, and it makes sense. There is a need for something to be controlled and in order." I can really relate to this. I already am a "cleaner". I don’t feel that I can fully relax until my environment is in order. However, since Sawyer has died, there have been times when I can tell that my desire to clean reaches past the need to irradiate the surface dirt and instead to disinfect deep down. I want to clean up everything–my house (scrub, scrub) my life, (scrub, scrub) my plans that have been so drastically changed for me (scrub, scrub). As I think about the unexpectedness of life, I find that I am faced with two options:
1) I can say "I have lost my control" or
2) I can say "I relinquish my control".
On the surface these two statements may sound similar in action, but I believe they are drastically different in meaning.

Losing control is simply admitting that we our powerless, while still leaving us feeling hopeless and lost. Relinquishing our control admits that although we are powerless, there is someone more powerful that has control. It is likely that whole pride thing, but I would much rather relinquish my control freely than have it "taken" away suddenly. So today I am choosing to relinquish my control. I give it to my Heavenly Father, who has it anyway and trust that he knows what is best for me, just as any good parent does. The only bummer is that this is one of those "lather, rinse, repeat" type of things in life. I find that I have to relinquish my control regularly as I find myself starting to pull at the fringes in an attempt to grab a hold of my life more often than I would like to admit.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

So, what are YOU learning today?

How you can pray:
-That I will relinquish control in all the right areas.

What I am thankful for:
-a clean house:) and the fact that I can trust my Heavenly Father to take care of my life.

Heather Ledeboer

I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!

Posted Tuesday, June 10, 2008

11 Responses to “Cleaning and Control”

dana, on June 10th, 2008 at 9:44 pm Said:

oh boy…how much can you possibly learn from just ONE person? apparently it’s an endless amount.
i find it hard to believe it’s already been a month…it really doesn’t seem possible. it has probably been the most painful month you’ve ever had, and the most ENLIGHTENING one for me, thanks to a very special friend.
i hope each month that passes brings you more of the happiness that you truly deserve.
and for the record…i must admit that my house has NEVER been as clean as it is right now. coincidence? i think not. we could all make one heck of a Merry Maids team right now!
xoxo

[Reply]
Amy, on June 10th, 2008 at 11:06 pm Said:

I’ve done the same cleaning thing . . . I am SO thankful that I am able to relinquish control. My worries are not my own. =) I find it hard to believe that it has been a month – I am thankful that He has brought you/your family through.

[Reply]
Layla, on June 11th, 2008 at 5:12 am Said:

I have wished away so many days, weeks and months. I live life in a continual ‘countdown’ of days. I try to stop myself and I still do it!! I’ve been doing it for nearly ten years now! There are 36 more days until my partner gets home. When he gets home there will be 23 more days until he goes away again, he will be gone for another 46 more days. After that I’m not sure, but I do know it will be more of the same – and as soon as I find out I will start counting again! It’s ok to count. I do chastise myself for this sometimes because I feel like I am ‘wishing away’ my life, but it’s only those quiet moments when I’m alone at night. When there is silence and I’m left with my thoughts. I feel like it’s ok to count then. Thinking of you while you are counting one month. We all count – it’s ok.

[Reply]
QuietMom, on June 11th, 2008 at 5:26 am Said:

Just stopping by to say I’m blessed by your blog and praying for you and your family-
Annette

[Reply]
Angie Smith, on June 11th, 2008 at 7:29 am Said:

Hi Heather…just stopping by to say I am praying for you. I am grateful that our paths have crossed (even as we sit states away from each other!) I was planning on sending you a CD, and I guess you know the last few weeks have been a little out of control….I think I still have your address, but if you get this note, could you re-send it to me? Many, many blessings to you today…I am praying for joy in unexpected moments:) Angie

[Reply]
erin, on June 11th, 2008 at 9:54 am Said:

i am in PA and we just ended our week long of 90 degree weather. maybe we can swap weather patterns?!?!
u and ur family are still in my thoughts

[Reply]
christy h, on June 11th, 2008 at 11:39 am Said:

wow, that picture is AMAZING! I would have just lied down in the middle of the driveway.
_____________________
LOL thankfully, just moments after this photo was taken this showed up to help (totally random, a gift from God) http://mom4life.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/31/thesnow1_2.jpg
He plowed us out and left in a matter of 10 minutes, we have no idea who he was:).

[Reply]
jennifer, on June 11th, 2008 at 2:30 pm Said:

I do the cleaning thing, too. I noticed it when I was in my twenties. I know I am super depressed when I cannot even clean.
I continue to pray and think of you and your family. Snow? Wow! I think I want to move there! It’s so hot that my energy is zapped and we cannot stand the humidity when stepping out the door.
What I have learned today is not a new lesson, just one that I seem to keep coming back to. I can only change myself and my attitude and that alone is a major task.
Jennifer

[Reply]
Bailey's Leaf, on June 12th, 2008 at 8:12 pm Said:

I’m an upset cleaner. I’ll scrub and scrub, while praying and praying.
Fling some of that snow up in the air for me.

[Reply]
MKG, on June 12th, 2008 at 8:15 pm Said:

Wow, what a timely reminder. (And yes, I can relate to the cleaning/control thing.) Today I found out my mom has a cystic mass on her pancreas. We don’t know if it’s cancerous, but I’ve been riding the emotional rollercoaster all day nonetheless. I needed to be reminded that God is in control and I can rest in that. Thank you.

[Reply]
Mom4Life Blog » Diary of a bed resting mom & a fun giveaway, on May 6th, 2011 at 11:12 pm Said:

[...] that life is fleeting, that today is precious and that I am not in control. As I choose to relinquish my control yet again I am find that I am better able to take in the preciousness of my surroundings and marvel [...]