Decisions that don’t come easy
By MelodyGross | Category: Pursuing God, The Journey of Motherhood
I remember it like yesterday. The moment when the gravity of being responsible for a tiny, little person hit me like a ton of bricks.
Our first son Elliottt was 3 days old, I was adjusting to being a new mamma. The euphoric haze was beginning to wear off. It was nearing bedtime, and out of no where I was consumed with sudden panic over where the safest place was to put him to sleep for the night. Certain that if he joined us in our bed something bad would happen, but also just as sure that putting him in his crib, one whole room away, was a terrible, terrible idea. What if I made the wrong choice? And there was my poor husband, trying to gently rationalize with his hormonal, sleep deprived, crazy wife (and we all know that is never a good idea). Certain that we were not capable of making such a big decision, I called our midwife. She gently talked me ‘down from the ledge’ and reassured me that wherever we decide to put our son to sleep, he would be ok. We eventually arrived at putting him in a little Moses Basket beside our bed. And of course, he was just fine.
It’s been more than six years since that moment. The moment I realized that we.are.the.parents. He depends on us. Completely. People can give us advice but ultimately, it comes down to us. We have to make the call. And in our six years of parenting, there have been many decisions that have been made. And yes, with time and experience it has gotten easier. But there are still those moments when the weight of this responsibility hits me again, just like when he was a tiny newborn nestled in my arms.
We’ve been struggling with Elliott for some time now. He’s always been a bit of a question mark with mild developmental delays, anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. While theses struggles have always been a challenge, they have been mostly manageable. Three months ago, everything changed. The little struggles became major issues. Every single day became a fight. Homeschooling became nearly impossible. Outings with my little ones became a huge fiasco…so we stopped going places. No more trips to library. No more trips to the park. We even stopped going to church. Our life became consumed with these hardships.
These recent months have been filled with every kind of appointment you could imagine: psychology, psychiatry, naturopathy, and occupational therapy. We have been fighting so hard to bring life back to a manageable place for our little guy and for our family. Initially, we dove into natural treatments with hopeful anticipation. Being a home birthing, natural medicine kinda gal, this was the obvious first step for us. We’ve been through a slew of natural supplements. Testing for food sensitivities. We’ve done dye free, we’ve done preservative free, we’ve done gluten free, and we have gotten absolutely no where.
We’ve come to a crossroad. The question: Do we continue pursuing natural treatments or is it time to look at more traditional methods? We’ve tried so much, but the reality is, we could explore natural options for a full year and still not exhaust all of the possibilities. Eventually one comes to their breaking point. And that is where I find myself.
So this past week, I made the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make as a mom. I took the prescription the psychirstist handed me. And I filled it. Something I never, ever dreamed I would do. And once again, I was back to that moment. My heart filled with anxiety and dread. What if this is the wrong choice?
There are so many emotions wrapped up in this decision. I’m struggling greatly with the weight of what this acceptance means. Have I now given conditions to my love? The voice of failure echos loudly. Certain that I let my son down. If I was a better mom, somehow I could have prevented this. If I could have fought a little harder. Hung on a just bit longer…
This such a hard place to be. Overwhelming. Lonely. Scary. Humbling. Defeating. But as I see it I have two choices, I can give in to the guilt and the fear and let it consume me, or I can run to Jesus. I’d like to say that I always choose the later. Of course, I don’t. But oh, how I want to. I want Jesus to be my strength. I want Jesus to redeem this ugliness. I want Jesus to use me in my brokenness.
And that is why I share this today. We all have our individual struggles. Mine may look different than yours. But we are all struggling just the same. Sometimes these struggles become so consuming that we begin to believe we are all alone in them. And even though there are many days that my flesh fails and I give into that lie, deep in my heart the truth resounds. I am not alone and you are not alone. And I am choosing to rest in that hope today.
“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous hand.” Isaiah 41:10.
What happened when you gave him the medication? You didn’t tell that part. My 4 1/2 year old son sounds much like yours was, and for me, yes, it’s getting worse and I am 7 months pregnant with our third child. So far, he has Sensory Integration Disorder, possible ADD, and maybe even Asperger’s syndrome? But they won’t formally diagnose him with ADD till he is 5 or 6. They won’t even check him or test him for Aspherger’s until he is closer to 8. No one has offered us meds yet. But Matthew hasn’t been to see a psychiatrist yet… But I am seriously thinking about it.
[Reply]
I always swore I would not put my children on drugs, but sometimes, especially when they become older and there are other children around, we do the unthinkable in order for everyone to survive. Remember, the best reason to have him on drugs is to give him enough control–a window–to be able to learn some new skills. It isn’t a life sentence. That said, everywhere I turn I see that boys especially are on the spectrum. I have 11 adopted children, 8 who are boys. My newest boys are from a sibling group of 7. All the boys have behavior problems and even though I am an experienced mother who has a bachelors and some graduate credits in social work and spent my entire career in parent education, I am not familiar with autism. I assumed it could not be my child’s disease. However, I have sought out information and am finding that behaviors who look more like my boys are indeed being diagnosed as autism. Or would if I took them. When I heard the crazy stats about them, 1 in 88 which is probably understated, I said, well thats my answer. I am actually posting a blog about this topic this week. I will say that I believe it is caused by vaccines. Also, that the government is in complete denial. And finally, after going crazy for a year, I put the kids on a whole food diet, and last summer I saw amazing behavior changes in my youngest who was 7 at the time. He has slipped some during the school year, but when it got really bad he was finally able to see the connection and take some responsibility for himself and began to police himself at school. I think I am going to help him there by keeping him…all of them, home next year. Good luck and thanks for sharing. God Bless.
[Reply]
Wow! Thank you for sharing this! We are at this exact same crossroads and it is so comforting to read this and know that someone else is going through it too. Thank you for being vulnerable and open!
[Reply]
i love that you continue to run to Jesus even when your life looks different than you thought.
[Reply]
Please know that you are not alone – there are many of us out there that have had to face this decision and it is not made lightly. Our son is 17 now and we went through the early years very much like you have.
He attended a French Immersion program and was taught primarily in French and we spoke only English at home. By Grade 2 (7 years) he was having a terrible time focussing and we decided to put him on medication to help him focus and control his compulsive behavior. He continued to take the medication until the end of Grade 4 (9 years). We decided that summer to take him off the medication as he didn’t like having to leave class to take the medication and felt he was being treated differently by his peers because of his medication. We were also starting to see withdrawal symptoms in the evening with anger and restlessness. Dr’s suggested more meds to help him sleep and at that point we felt he was old enough to manage many of his symptoms on his own – maturity does help. He did OK for a few years but it was always a struggle for him. By Grade 7 (12) the teachers had a meeting with us and discussed his progress and felt at that time that he would be much better off in a school learning in his first language – English. He changed schools and for a while he did well. He made new friends who didn’t know about his past and didn’t judge him.
By Grade 9 (14) he had developed anxiety and depression and was struggling with school and social relationships. He was suicidal. We started seeing a psychiatrist for the anxiety/depression and it wasn’t until the end of Grade 9 that we put him back on the medication for his ADD (time-released) that he finally started getting back on track. I will not say this road has been easy or that we made the best decisions for our son but we made the decisions that felt right at the time.
He is much better today – he has friends and a girlfriend. He is able to focus much better at school. His teachers love him as he is so enthusiastic. He loves classes that allow him to move around and touch stuff and has decided that he wants to get into cabinetmaking when he’s done school.
Looking back would I change any of this – maybe but hindsight is 20/20.
All the best with your struggle but know that you have made the best decision for your son and your family at this time and because you are the only one that can make that decision.
[Reply]
“But as I see it I have two choices, I can give in to the guilt and the fear and let it consume me, or I can run to Jesus.”
This is sooooo good. And so relevant to any life struggle. You are so right that we all struggle. Jesus said we would. And your words are meaningful to me as I’m facing a struggle with extended family today. And I need to run to Jesus, yet again. Thank you for your honesty!
[Reply]
[...] and fighting to embrace my current season. And I know that a large part of that is the fact that my present season is just.plain.hard. I feel lost and unprepared. My confidence is greatly shaken. But having babies? That’s [...]
[...] When we made the decision to medicate Elliott, I was truly hopeful that things would begin to get better. And that we be able to move out of this desperate place, into a place of healing and normalcy. But the truth is, we’ve been through two medications so far, and have seen no positive effects. And in many ways things have gotten worse. When we began walking down this road, I knew this was a possibility. But that doesn’t make it any less discouraging. [...]