Grief 101 by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page).
Last Thursday we had Sawyer’s memorial. It was a beautiful service, small, intimate and lovely. We were very blessed to have one of our churches community pastors (and his wife) be willing to virtually organize the entire thing for us. It feels so overwhelming to have so much "to do" in such a sort amount of time. So many decisions need to be made in such a sort amount of time. In one week we decided:
-do you induce or don’t you, if so when?
-who will be there for the birth?
-what do you want to do to remember your child after they are born and before they are taken away?
-will you do an autopsy?
-will they be buried, cremated? Do you have a place for your family to be buried? What kind of casket or urn will they be put in?
-will you have a funeral, a memorial service? When, what do you do at one? (I surly had never attended one before for a child).
So needless to say we were amazingly grateful that Richie and Katie were lovingly willing to help us with the details of the service. We sang several songs (many of which are the ones that I have playing here) and Richie read several scriptures and we prayed together. Our desire was to celebrate the life of Sawyer that was so brief but yet has impacted us all so deeply and thank God for lovingly carrying us though. Do we understand why this has happened? No. Will we ever? Perhaps. Do we like it? No way. Does beauty come from pain? Can God redeem any situation and create beauty from ashes?
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:1-3"
Learning how to grieve is not something we are typically taught growing up. It might sound strange but I am learning to see it as a beautiful thing. Learning to grieve seems to have a lot to do with honesty and transparency. I have to be willing to be honest about how I feel, both to myself and to those around me. I have to be willing to accept and embrace an amazing variety of emotions at any point in the day. When I am laughing I have to have the wisdom to recognize and give thanks for that moment of happiness. When I am crying I have to be willing to surrender to the depth of sadness I am feeling. I find that most of my days are filled with the moments in between the laughter and the tears. Lately it is simply a feeling of deep and profound loss and sadness, a feeling that part of me is missing and the realization that the missing piece is so far away. As I put on my makeup in the morning I try to gauge if the amount of tears I will cry will justify skipping the mascara all together or not. I have been changed at the core of who I am though Sawyer’s death. The fact that I am a Christian and have a loving God to cling to does not take away the hurt or lessen the pain, it simply gives me a place to take that pain to and someone to call out to for help.
I started reading a book today called "Holding On To Hope-A pathway through suffering to the heart of God". It was sent to me by one of you that reads this blog (thank you so much Amanda B). As I began this book written by a Christan woman who experienced the loss of her very young daughter, I simply cried and cried. Her words seemed so poignant and equal to my own feelings. The author says:
"I’ve been blessed with many people who have been willing to share my sorrow, to just be sad with me. Others, however, seem to want to rush me though my sadness. they want to fix me. But I lost someone I loved dearly, and I’m sad.
Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness. Sadness is awkward. It is unsettling. It ebbs and flows and takes its own shape. It beckons to be shared. It comes out in tears, and we don’t quite know what to do with those. So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don’t want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people, "Don’t worry about crying in front of me, and don’t be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you the you’ve touched me in a place that is meaningful to me–and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief. In fact, those who shed their tears with me show me we are not alone. It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me. it is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.
Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love. Sometimes it seems like the people around us think that because we know the one we love is in heaven, we shouldn’t be sad. But they don’t understand how far away heaven feels, and how long the future seems as we see before us the years we have to spend on this earth before we see the one we love again. Fortunately, we are not alone in our sadness. In Isaiah 53:3 the Bible describes God’s Son as "a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief". And so it is on our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God’s character and reach a new understanding of him that we could not have known without loss. He is acquainted with grief. He understands. He’s not trying to rush us though our sadness. He’s sad with us."
I echo everything Nancy (the author) says. The people that have cried with us, been willing to walk this journey by our sides not knowing what it would look like, how we would react, how it would affect them or where it will take us, have given us perhaps the most deeply meaningful and loving gift we could ask for.
Last Tuesday I went to my MOPS group meeting. This was three days after I had given birth to Sawyer. I needed to get out of the house and I needed the support of my friends to get through the day. My friend Katie met me in outside the church and walked with me to check in my kids where I was also met by my friend Maggie. They both walked with me to MOPS. Simple things like not having to walk alone mean so much. One of the MOPS leaders came to me and asked how I wanted things to go, if I wanted them to talk about what had happened or if I wanted it to just "be normal", if I wanted them to pray or not say anything. Simple things like asking what would be most helpful to me rather than assuming, meant a lot. I opted for the prayer (why not get prayer when you can right?). Toward the end of the MOPS meeting, my friend Katie asked, "How are you doing? If you want to leave early I will go with you." Simple words like that make me feel so not alone. As I left, Katie and Maggie were with me and looking back I see that God was there with me that day using those ladies to be the physical representation of His constant presence and love.
I don’t want to walk this road but now that I have begun the journey, I simply don’t want to walk it alone.
How you can pray for us:
-That we will continue to learn how to live effectively in this "new reality" we have faced as a family. That my husband and I will continue to know how to help one another and our children through this.
Things we are thankful for:
-Amanda B. for sending me the book I am reading and Laura O. for having so many helpful books sent to us on grief including some on how to help your kids though it–so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you so much Kim P. for the book, beautiful figurine, book list and card and another small handful of you that have sent CD’s, books, book lists, a stuffed animal, scripture and cards of love and encouragement to us. These things are each so helpful as we begin this process.
-Today someone that I have only known though a few interactions (but she is so sweet I like to call her my friend) came by our home and dropped off a beautiful pot full of flowers for me and two toys for our children (one for each of them). The kids had such a great time with their new toys and we spent a good hour outside watching Hunter play with his water rocket toy and laughing at his new discoveries. I really enjoyed and was thankful for her gift of laughter today for our family–thank you Joann.
Heather Ledeboer
I am a Christian, wife, mom and the owner of http://www.mom4life.com. I have a passion for helping moms and encouraging them in their journey through motherhood. I invite you to journey along with me!
Follow Me:
Just about to head of to bed, but my last prayer before sleep will be that you wake up in the morning and you go and read your own Biography again http://mom4life.typepad.com/about.html
Never forget that person. She is strong.
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That was a really great post on grief, it touched me and really put words to many thoughts I’ve had in the past. Though I have not lost a child, I have gone through the grief process when I lost my dad very unexpectedly 6 years ago (he was only 46). We are praying for you as you walk through this season.
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Heather,
you continue to be in my prayers. I find you on my mind constantly and use those thoughts as reminders to keep lifting you up to the Lord. I have even awakened in the night a few times and prayed for you. You are just such an inspiration to me and I feel like you are just such a beautiful example to all of us as to what it means to grieve as a Christian. I feel through your posts and through the few times we have spoken on the pnone that you are my friend and I will continue to lift you up in prayer.
Love,
Andrea Terry
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What wonderful, practical ways those people have blessed and helped you. A fantastic example of Jesus with skin on.
Blessings to your family.
Gillian
Ontario, Canada
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Although many of us who read your blog have never had the opportunity to meet you in person I suspect that many of us have shed tears with you.
I would love to be able to meet you guys in person and just have a nice big hug and girls day together! A few of you have sent me a photo of you and your family and that is always fun to be able to put a face with your name! Thank you so much for your support.
I love the picture of Hunter with his rocket! I’m glad you are able to find some respites and joy on this difficult journey.
____________________
-Heather L.
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Heather–I’m praying for you and your family and thinking of you every day. I don’t really know you very well, but I wish I could do something for you. I know you must have a lot of people praying for you…could those of us who know you through the Internet pass the call for prayers along?
Your story and faith are so heartbreakingly beautiful and honest and loving.
_______________________
Your support and desire to help is so meaningful to me, thank you! Honestly your prayers are the best thing you could give me. I would take hugs too (very gladly) but those are so hard to do long distance. If I could figure out a way to get hugs via the blog I would be so pleased with myself;). Thank you so very much for your constant support and checking in.
-Heather L.
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Thinking of you today. Holding you & your family in my heart. I wish you peace tonight.
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Heather-
I am a friend of Sarah Jeans and through her, I feel like I know you. I am not so good with words, but I have been thinking of you daily, probably hourly throughout all of this. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Sawyer. I am so sad that this happened. So sad. I am not usually one to pray but have found myself talking to God and asking him to be with you and your family. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and now, my prayers.
-Buffy M
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Dear Buffy,
Truly your words mean more to me than you could know. My relationship with God is what is getting me though this in one piece. I quite honestly don’t know how I could face this any other way. Reading your words and that you are starting to talk to God though this is something that helps me see the beauty that can come from pain. Please continue to do this, keep talking to God, openly and honestly—about anything and ask him to show himself to you and I have faith that he will. Thank you so much, so very much for walking this road with me, I am honored.
-Heather L.
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Heather, I have learned so much from you about the grieving process and how to be a better friend to those in grief. Thank you for your guidance as I help my friend through her difficult time. I will continue to pray for you and your family and for Sawyer.
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It is so wonderful to read about all the support and love you have surrounding you. You will never have to walk this journey alone. For that, I am truly grateful.
And allow me to speak for Buffy, who I consider to be a very close friend. That was one of the most heartfelt, genuine things I have ever heard (or seen) her say. You have touched so many people, Heather.
Hugs and love,
Dana
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I haven’t checked in on your blog for a while. Today I read everything that you’ve posted since you began labor. There were times I couldn’t continue to read. I just had to look away and cry for a while. I hurt so much for you. I am so thankful that you are leaning on God and each other in this sorrowful time. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling, but I am thankful you are doing it with Him.
I really don’t know what to say, except that my heart is broken right now for you and your family. Last week I just kept praying for a miracle; that he would be born and open his eyes and breathe. It hurts just to see Sawyer, and want that so bad.
I’m praying for you.
I don’t know you, but I love you.
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I cry everytime I come here. I remember how deeply losing someone you love so much hurts. I remmeber how sweet the Katie’s and Maggie’s were. I try to forget the loneliness I so often felt bc no one around me had been taught how to grieve either. I remember how long it takes to feel “whole” again, and I weep. I weep for you. For your children. For me. For my child. We are all missing. O the joy Heaven will bring. O the pain of waiting.
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A few days ago I got up early and had remembered out of the blue that it had been awhile since I got your monthly newsletter. I had enjoyed hearing how you were doing in there. I thought of that, knowing you were close to having your baby and got a sinking feeling. I went right to your blog which confirmed my feeling. =( I spent all that morning reading through your posts and crying. I cried all day every time I thought of your family.. all of you. I have another friend that went through this same thing right after I had my baby. It’s a constant worry during each of my pregnancies.. so much so that I wonder how I got through another 9 months, still sane. Your experience has made me ever so grateful (even moreso) for what I have and not to ever take it for granted. I’ll never understand why these things happen to some people, unfair is the understatment. I’m glad you have firm beliefs that are going to pull you through this, because if I were you,I don’t see how I would ever get out of bed again.. I just can’t imagine. And eventhough you are remaining strong, I hope you know you don’t always have to be regardless of your faith. I know I would only expect you to be human, to be a mom, and of course to always hurt. =(
I will continue to pray for you, and hurt for you. I didn’t know what to type eventhough I’ve been thinking about it for days. But I wanted to type SOMEthing, I felt bad for just not saying anything.
Hugs across the miles from my family to yours.
-Kristina
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Dear Heather,
You don’t know me, but I feel like we are connected a bit. First, let me say, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I had a miscarriage, so I know that empty feeling…that feeling that the world is going on about their business, but you are having to adjust to all of the emotions of the moment, not to mention still having to be a mom, friend, wife, etc. ((((((((Heather))))))))) here are some hugs.
I had 4 home births and feel comforted for you that you got to experience Sawyer’s birth there. There’s nothing like not having to wear that gown, not being strapped to everything, but most especially…being able to get into your own bed. I know, small comforts at such a time…but comforts just the same especially at such a time.
Sawyer…that’s such a great name. My youngest son is named Sawyer. He has 2 brothers older than him that I didn’t name Sawyer because I didn’t like the meaning of the name…Sawer of wood. All my other kids had great meanings for their names…but Sawer of wood?? Then, when I was about 6 months pregnant with him my husband and I were sitting and talking and the TV happened to be on in the background. I noticed that it was on ESPN (not a normal channel in our home) and was about to turn it, when I was drawn to it instead. Both my husband and I were…so strange. We watched as a wood cutting/sawing contest was happening. It was amazing to watch these big, strong men and then it was like the Holy Spirit came into the room and told me that the name Sawyer wasn’t about a sawer of wood…it was about the raw strength, perseverance, hard work, determination, and guts of the person who was a sawer of wood. That was such a revelation for me. I pray that as you can look back on this time, you’ll see that your Sawyer gave you raw strength, perseverance, determination and guts to do the hard work. I see it already in you. May God richly bless you and your family on your life journey.
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Heather,
I have been away for a few days and have come home to this beautiful post that I know continues this journey that you are walking with such grace and with such powerful witness to others. I cry every time I read your blogs and pray for you each day. They are simple and normal, these things I pray for you, as I am not profound at heart. I pray each day that food nourishes and strengthens your bodies, that sleep rests and energizes your minds, and that God continues to send the perfect messengers of comfort and solace to quiet your spirits. I am glad that Sawyer’s memorial was such a special and intimate event. I know that sadness and tears are the reality for times to come, so I pray that your grieving brings you not only closure but closer to God and your family.
Shannon
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