Unchanging by Heather Ledeboer

When I look back on my life before Sawyer's death I see a different person.  As I gaze at photos or watch family videos, I want to call out a warning to myself, "Watch out, a storm is coming!  Life seems easy now, brace yourself!"  I was so innocently unaware of the future waiting for me on March 5th, 2008.  Life can change so quickly. 

Just days before Sawyer died, we found out that there were some complications with the zoning for our business.  That same week, we learned the sad news that a friend had recently separated from her husband.  As frustrating as the zoning business was, it paled in comparison to the pain my friend was facing.  I remember sitting together as a family around our dinner table and praying for my friend.  I also recall saying, "Lord, thank you that despite the things going on with our business, our family is healthy and safe.  Because of you, we can face anything that this world has to throw at us with you and we thank you that we can do it together."  I remember feeling that any trial could be faced, as long as my family was by my side.

Days later, our son Sawyer died and we lost part of our family.  Because I had been reading the book of Job, one of my first thoughts after Sawyer died was of Job and his response to the horrific news that his 10 children (and all of his livestock) had died.  He said, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:20b.  Before Sawyer died, I had been brought to tears as I read this verse and thought of the beauty in Job's simple, yet profound, statement of faith.  I clung to that verse in the ultrasound room when I found out that Sawyer had died.  As my midwife went to call my husband on the phone and ask him to come in, I was alone in the room.  I buried my face in the covers of the bed and thought of Job, tears flowing.  I was gaining a new understanding and renewed awe at the reaction of praise Job gave in his time of extreme grief.  I remember breathing the words, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" ever so softly into the pillow, now damp with tears.  As I did, a strange and unexpected comfort filled my heart.  A realization that the quality of my life was not measured by the relationship I have with my family, but rather with the Father that gave that family to me, enveloped my soul.  My previous perception that I was OK as long as my family was, wouldn't work anymore.  I had to hold onto something more steadfast to be my enduring strength. 

I may be a different person, but I cling to the same unchanging God.  When Job cried out in sorrow, his tears fell at the feet of the same God that mine do.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

A few years ago I was appreciating the unchanging nature of God and wrote the following:

Reflect On Me  (Psalm 119:89-90 & Hebrews 13:8)

Consider the ocean.  Consider its power, reflective of my own.  But, consider its consistency, ebbing and flowing day after day the tide moving in and out, reflective of my unchanging love for you--place your trust in me.

Consider the sun and moon, their light guiding and leading your daily walk, reflective of my desire to guide your steps.  But further still, consider their rise and fall, always on time, never late, reflective of my predictability--you can trust in me.

Consider the stars, their awesome beauty overwhelming you, beauty reflective of my own.  Consider still, their charted course carried out over generations, never leaving my plan, always remaining steady and sure, reflective of my promise to you to be the same yesterday, today and forever--you can trust in me.

Consider yet the seasons, their unique and special beauty, but also their predictable occurrence, reflecting my dependability, I will not let you down--you can place your trust in me.

Child, you will go through many changes in your life, but I will stay the same.  I have placed reminders of my unchanging, consistent, reliable love throughout my creation--reflections of me.  So, until we meet face to face, look upon my reflections and know that my love for you will never change.  And because I said it, you can trust it.

How you can pray:
-A very good friend of mine is visiting the Dr. today.  She is pregnant with twins, but they have not yet been able to find heartbeats for the babies.  They are going to check one more time to try to find their heartbeats.

What I am thankful for:
-My friend (mentioned at the beginning of this post) is now back together with her husband:).

Comments

[jodz]

I have been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented. I don't want to be one of those people who say something stupid and uncaring. Anyway.... here goes. I want to thank you for being as honest as you have been. I know this can't be easy but I believe you have impacted the lives of many people. Someone in one of my teams (I don't know them personally) has just lost a child during childbirth. They already new this was a possibility but had been praying for a miracle. I have sent a card with a link to this site, so they may find comfort in the fact they are not alone. I hope, they too manage to be comforted in the palm of God's hand just as you have been.
I pray for you daily.

Jodz

[dana]

Your outlook on life is so amazing. I read this everyday, in hopes that I will take from it the strength that you have.

I suppose it just takes time to get to the place you're at. I'm still a work in progress, but it will sure feel great once I reach that point.

Thank you for sharing your heart, once again.

xoxo

[M]

As usual, another great post.
Thank you for sharing.

I hope everything turns out for your friend who is pregnant with twins.

And I'm glad your other friend is back together with her husband.

I still pray for you and think about you everyday.

[Kira]

I suppose I can no longer read your blog without commenting, because that just doesn't feel right. Thank you for sharing this with us, in your beautiful way that always gives the glory to God. You reminded me that God's word does not return void. It is hidden in our hearts and will pour out at just the moment it is needed.

[Karin Kalb]

Heather,
What a beautiful poem! It so touched my heart. I hope you don't mind but I shared it with a few friends.
Still praying for you!

[Amy]

I have wished for a crystal ball on occasion =) I am thankful to be witness to you faith through this valley. My prayers are with you =)

[Cristina]

Stilling thinking of you daily! Your faith amazes me. Many that walked this road, seriously challenge & loose their faith, me included. You are a strong woman, that is for sure.

[erin]

ur attitude towards everything continues to amaze me. thank u!

[Sarah]

Oh Heather, you continue to amaze me. I hadn't read the blog in a few days, and had to catch up today........ thank you!