Mom4Life Blog

The last supper by Heather Ledeboer

Hooray!!  Tonight was the last meal of our 10 day cleanse, we made it!!  Below are some photos of how things have looked in our house the last few nights (we cook something for our kids - here it is spaghetti, and we make ourselves a heaping salad).

As promised here is my report and thoughts on "The Perfect Cleanse":

-Overall it was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.  Although the amount of food we ate at each sitting was small (i.e. one serving of grapes) we were eating something every few hours.  Because of that we really were not hungry (expect for a few times that I was running errands in town and forgot to bring my fruit along to eat). 

-We didn't have a ton of energy (likely because our caloric intake was so small) however we felt we had enough energy to do what we needed (we just didn't feel like doing anything seriously strenuous).

-Trent had a headache for the first two days or so (I didn't) and we read that this can be due to your body working on getting the extra toxins out of your system (guess that means I was toxin free-hee hee;)!

-Bathroom visits were reasonable:).

-Trent lost about 10 pounds and I lost about 5 (we are not totally sure because we didn't get our scale until a few days into the cleanse).

-We both drank way more water than we normally do (which is good) and found that we didn't really miss drinking juice, milk, etc.

-We feel that after the cleanse we are more likely to continue drinking more water (and choose it above other drinks).  We also feel that we have gotten more into the habit of buying vegetables than we were in the past (we went to the store several times over the last 10 days to get more veggies and things).  I think we will continue to incorporate more vegetables (we already ate lots of fruit) in the future.  We want to try continuing the habit of eating smaller meals more frequently.  I plan to now add some exercise into my routine and hopefully I can check in with a positive report in a few days that I have kept to my goal in this area.  I don't plan on giving up my nighttime chocolate chip cookie however (warm from the toaster oven), if I am going to loose weight it is is going to have to be done despite my evening cookie:)!

Today after church we bought some fireworks and also swung by Old Navy where I bought a pair of shorts and a t shirt that fit me to celebrate being done with the cleanse.  These shorts are about 4-5 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy wardrobe but hey, I am making progress and it was only 7 weeks ago that I was giving birth so I will try not to expect miracles.

A few of you have told me that you are going to do the cleanse as well.  If you do, I hope you will let me know how it goes for you--good luck!

Above: Hunter and Ashlyn's dinner

Above: Trent and Heather's dinner (minus the Salmon we also enjoyed)

How you can pray: I would like to continue to get as healthy (weight wise) as possible before we (Lord willing) get pregnant again.

What I am thankful for: A supportive and loving husband (I love you honey, thanks for doing the cleanse with me--too bad you had to lose twice as much weight as me;).

My cardboard testimony by Heather Ledeboer

Last week Jenna sent me a link to a YouTube video.  As I watched it, I couldn't help but cry. 

I LOVE that we are all walking around with a testimony unique to us.  I LOVE that in the video they used cardboard to write their testimonies on.  It reminds me of beggars on the side of the street holding on to their "story" with the reason they need help scribbled out on the side of a box.  Sometimes that is exactly how I feel, worn out and ragged, clinging desperately to what defines me and hoping someone will be willing to reach out in kindness.  Can you relate to that at all?  Are we not all in need of help?  We can't control the fact that we live in a broken world and because of that, we are all walking wounded.  What we can control is what we do with our brokenness.

Several of you have emailed me and said that you don't think you could respond the way I have to the death of my son, if you were in a similar situation.  I understand what you mean.  In fact, having a child die late in pregnancy was (as I have mentioned before) one of my "great fears".  Don't we all have a little list of things that we would never want to experience?  This was on my list and right up toward the very top.  I say that not to make you feel bad for me, but rather to point out the fact that I didn't think I could handle something like this either.  The fact that I have deserves some explanation wouldn't you say?

A few weeks before Sawyer died, we were visiting some good friends and discussing the topic of spiritual gifts.  For those of you who may not be familiar with this topic, it is found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 12:1-14.  One of the gifts listed is the gift of Faith.  Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  it then goes on to name people in the Bible that demonstrated great faith, people like Noah, Abraham, Moses, and others--normal people who were blessed with a faith to do extraordinary things for God.  As I thought about these examples of faith driven people in the Bible I remembered the verse in James 1:5-7 that says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord” The book of Ecclesiastes has always fascinated me because it is all about wisdom and for as long as I can remember I have been impressed with King Solomon in the bible who, when God gave him the chance to ask for anything, asked for wisdom (you can find that story in 1 Kings 3:1-28)—Solomon was later the one that wrote the book of Ecclesiastes.  Because of Solomon's example, I have prayed for wisdom ever since I was young.  However, I don't recall that I had ever specifically prayed that God would give me a gift of faith, so on that day I did.  I prayed that God would give me a gift of faith, extra faith, faith to trust him in all situations. 

I didn't think much about that prayer in the coming days.  In fact, I practically forgot that I had even prayed it until about a week ago when I was sent an email on the topic of faith and I was reminded of the prayer I had prayed shortly before Sawyer died asking for greater faith.  Suddenly it all made sense, of course, no wonder I have had peace through the storm, no wonder I have felt carried, no wonder I haven't been angry at God. . . it was because God was faithful to his word and gave me what I asked for, greater faith.  Not only that, but he was gracious enough to give it exactly when I needed it most.

I would love for you to watch the YouTube video, if your computer connection allows you to.  Then I would love for you to think about your life.  If you have a relationship with God, what is your cardboard testimony?  If you don't have a relationship with God, I would encourage you to consider asking God to show you what your cardboard testimony could be if you were to place your trust in him.

I gave some thought to what my cardboard testimony is and wanted to share it with you.  I would love for you to share yours with me.  You can post it in the comments or send me a photo.  If you send me your photo, please let me know if I am free to also post it on my blog to share with others (if you would rather I not share it just let me know).

"We live by what we believe, not by what we can see." 2 Corinthians 5:7

How you can pray: That your own faith will be increased.

What I am thankful for: The redemptive part of testimony.

I love washable crayons! by Kristina B.

Crayola sells these really great washable crayons.  If you have youngsters, but haven't looked into these, I really recommend them.  They wash easily off of floors, walls, windows, faces...

Here are a few things I've done with washable crayons. Remember, before you try any of these, test on a small area to make sure it will wash off and not stain.  I haven't had anything stain yet, but you'd better make sure.

1.) Made an indoor hopscotch course: I think it was raining that day.  We have these really ugly terrazzo floors that dh loves for some strange reason, and I happened to know that these crayons washed off our floor without a trace.

2.) Allowed Owen (4 years) to draw on the back sliding door (plexiglass?):  He just has this urge to color on great big spaces.  Remember my post about our, uh, mural?

3.) Made a to-do list on the sliding back door (plexiglass?): That's pretty self explanatory.

Also remember that I am talking about WASHABLE crayons.  If they are washable, they will say so in big letters on the package.  Seriously, don't try any of these with regular crayons.  You'll be scrubbing 'til the cows come home.

The Great Exchange by Heather Ledeboer

The following post was marinated in tears:

Sometimes, like tonight, I just struggle to fully wrap my brain around my circumstances.  So many moments in my day feel all to normal.  The reality of the missing presence in our family feels like it is slipping through my fingers.  The more normal things get the more that I feel like it takes all of my energy and focus to really, truly “get it”.  I have Sawyer's photo open in Photoshop on my computer and I am just staring at him and thinking about how beautiful he is. . . I zoom in and then zoom in again, looking at all the little wrinkles and pores and the zoom button just can’t pull him close enough.  I try to remember or think of what it would be like to hold him again and it just hurts so bad.  It is so much easier not to “get it”. 

Today the funeral home called and said that they are ready for us to come pick up the urn and it just puts a strange sort of finalization to it all ya know?  One day a baby, the next a fist full of ashes.  There isn’t going to be any more holding him, at least during this lifetime. . . and as much as I might try to fool myself sometimes with the silly pep talk about why life is easier without a baby around, I have to face the fact that although life is easier without a baby, it isn’t just any baby, it was our baby and who wants an easier life anyway?

*

Have you ever heard of The 5 Love Languages?  My two primary love languages are "acts of service" and "gifts" (if you are curious what yours are, go here).  As such, it makes sense that there are a few gifts that I have received that have continued to be very meaningful to me over time.  One of them is a doll that my father gave me when I was a little girl.  It was "Raspberry Torte", a shortcake character--she even smelled like Raspberries (or at least to the degree that a manufactured doll can smell like a God perfected fruit).  I don't recall that there was any special occasion for receiving the gift nor was my father in the habit of giving me gifts.  Couple those two factors together and you can see why it is a doll that I still have tucked away and remember fondly. 

I wrote a post at the beginning of the month titled "I want my manual!"  A few days ago a package arrived for me in the mail from my brother in law.  I opened the unassuming package and found my manual packed neatly inside.  On the cover was a note:
"Heather, I was reading your blog thing the other day and you said you were looking for a grief manual.  So I started looking and found one (at Wal Mart of all places).  I marked some different places I thought might be helpful.  I hope this helps.  P.S. There is a lot of other useful information in this manual also.  Feel free to page through it!"

I really can't put into words the way that this gift touched me.  I will remember it right along with my ragged Raspberry Torte doll.

I began reading through the marked passages and stopped at the second one in Isaiah 60:20.  "Your sun shall no more go down; neither shall your moon withdraw itself: for the LORD shall be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended."  When I got to the end of the verse I stopped and backed up, re-reading the last few words "the days of your mourning shall be ended".  I know in my head that there will be a day that I will no longer have sadness or crying or weeping but in the same way that you tend to come away with a larger bill at the grocery store when you are hungry, you tend to read the Bible differently when you are needing comfort--the words have a way of impacting you far deeper than they ever seemed to need to before, past your head and instead seeping into your heart.  I need this assurance, not only that my days of mourning shall end but that they will be replaced by something greater. 

I read on hoping that I would be assured that something wonderful would replace the days of mourning.  I didn't have to read far, just two verses later I found Isaiah 61: 1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”  Praise God.  I will not simply be dumping off my grief and leaving empty handed, I get to exchange it.  I will give my ashes (which has poignant meaning to me after today) and receive beauty.  I will give my mourning and receive oil of joy.  I will give my spirit of heaviness and receive a garment of praise.  I LOVE that about God.  He is all about exchanges that are unbelievably beneficial to us.  None of this exchanging for equal value crap, God wants our crap, all of it and in exchange he offers us things that we could never obtain on our own: healing, liberty, comfort, beauty, joy and praise.  (After my friend Crystal read this post she sent me a link to a song based on this verse.  I added it to my playlist to the left if you want to listen to it.  It is called "Beauty for Ashes", thank you Crystal.  And still later in the day Amy told me of another song based on this passage.  I added it to my playlist as well.  It is called "Beauty from Pain", thank you Amy.)

I took a self portrait while writing this post.  I want to share the face of a mother whose baby sits in a tiny urn.  I want you to know that even if the most sorrowful moments of "getting it" I still hold on to the gift of hope.

"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame" Psalm 25:3

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:4-6

How you can pray:
-For comfort when needed and hope to sustain the days ahead.

What I am thankful for:
-Sawyer's Photo: to remind me that the beauty of his body matches the beauty he has left in my heart.

I'm gonna lose it! by Heather Ledeboer

Stupid maternity pants, get out of my life (or at least out of my closet).  I would be happy to welcome you back into my life (with great fanfare) in some future month, but quite honestly our relationship has gone on far too long.  It is not that you are not stylish in your own special way or that you don't offer great comfort to a bulging belly and bottom but lets be honest I just don't want to need you anymore, go away!  And when you leave, please take my remaining 20 post-partum pounds with you so that I can slip back into the jeans that miss me so dearly.

Ya, gotta love that baby fat without the baby, it sucks.  It sucks to have a closet full of perfectly lovely clothes that don't fit.  I am too stubborn to want to buy things to fit me now because I don't want to be in my "now" size long enough to justify the gas to go to the store to buy them.  But I am also getting really tired of my narrow selection of maternity pants.  You might think that a mom that owns a website filled with all things baby and maternity I would be loaded with amazing maternity clothes.  Truth be told, I got a few great essentials from my selection and then borrowed from friends and shopped the Old Navy clearance rack for the rest!

So what to do about this situation. . . hmmmm lets try a cleanse! 

Today is the end of day 5 of our (my husband is so great to do this with me) 10 day "Perfect Cleanse".  We are eating one serving of fruit every few hours and a full vegetable packed salad (with dressing) for dinner with lots of water and some additional whole food vitamins and supplements (the exact menu we are following is outlined in the book Perfect Weight--which you can get for free if you buy any of the Perfect Cleanse supplements).  I am a total fruit lover and I really enjoy salads too so I figured this wouldn't be too bad.  After day 5 I can say that it isn't bad at all.  We are surprised to find that we are not going hungry because the meals (although small) are frequent.  I am really missing my night time chocolate chip cookie though!!

For me this cleanse is motivation to jump-start my body into a good routine of eating well, exercising and drinking more water.  I bought a scale yesterday (I haven't owned one in years) and was amazed to learn that there are scales that will tell you if you are properly hydrated (I asked for the model that would do my laundry but apparently that one has been back ordered for quite some time).  I figure if I am putting a good 10 days into a clean start for my system I should be able to keep things going in a good direction.

So I will check in when the cleanse is done (or maybe before) and let you know how things are moving along (wink, wink).

For some added entertainment, you might enjoy this 9 min, 20 sec video that I put together as part of an "audition tape" for a new reality/documentary show that is being produced that will come to the homes of working moms who own their own business and show what it is like for them.  If you have seen our "Office Video" already the beginning will not be new, for you but for any of you that may not have seen the "4 Free Friday" giveaway videos that we used to do the end of this video is a nice sampling of some of the craziness that goes down here in Athol, ID at Mom 4 Life:)!

P.S. An updated praise report on my friend that I mentioned at the end of yesterday's post--as of her appointment today, both babies now have heartbeats, praise God!!

P.S.S.  I KNOW that I am not "overweight", please don't feel like you need to reassure me.  Todays post is simply my honest feelings in regards to my annoyance at STILL not fitting into anything except my lovely maternity pants.

Unchanging by Heather Ledeboer

When I look back on my life before Sawyer's death I see a different person.  As I gaze at photos or watch family videos, I want to call out a warning to myself, "Watch out, a storm is coming!  Life seems easy now, brace yourself!"  I was so innocently unaware of the future waiting for me on March 5th, 2008.  Life can change so quickly. 

Just days before Sawyer died, we found out that there were some complications with the zoning for our business.  That same week, we learned the sad news that a friend had recently separated from her husband.  As frustrating as the zoning business was, it paled in comparison to the pain my friend was facing.  I remember sitting together as a family around our dinner table and praying for my friend.  I also recall saying, "Lord, thank you that despite the things going on with our business, our family is healthy and safe.  Because of you, we can face anything that this world has to throw at us with you and we thank you that we can do it together."  I remember feeling that any trial could be faced, as long as my family was by my side.

Days later, our son Sawyer died and we lost part of our family.  Because I had been reading the book of Job, one of my first thoughts after Sawyer died was of Job and his response to the horrific news that his 10 children (and all of his livestock) had died.  He said, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:20b.  Before Sawyer died, I had been brought to tears as I read this verse and thought of the beauty in Job's simple, yet profound, statement of faith.  I clung to that verse in the ultrasound room when I found out that Sawyer had died.  As my midwife went to call my husband on the phone and ask him to come in, I was alone in the room.  I buried my face in the covers of the bed and thought of Job, tears flowing.  I was gaining a new understanding and renewed awe at the reaction of praise Job gave in his time of extreme grief.  I remember breathing the words, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" ever so softly into the pillow, now damp with tears.  As I did, a strange and unexpected comfort filled my heart.  A realization that the quality of my life was not measured by the relationship I have with my family, but rather with the Father that gave that family to me, enveloped my soul.  My previous perception that I was OK as long as my family was, wouldn't work anymore.  I had to hold onto something more steadfast to be my enduring strength. 

I may be a different person, but I cling to the same unchanging God.  When Job cried out in sorrow, his tears fell at the feet of the same God that mine do.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

A few years ago I was appreciating the unchanging nature of God and wrote the following:

Reflect On Me  (Psalm 119:89-90 & Hebrews 13:8)

Consider the ocean.  Consider its power, reflective of my own.  But, consider its consistency, ebbing and flowing day after day the tide moving in and out, reflective of my unchanging love for you--place your trust in me.

Consider the sun and moon, their light guiding and leading your daily walk, reflective of my desire to guide your steps.  But further still, consider their rise and fall, always on time, never late, reflective of my predictability--you can trust in me.

Consider the stars, their awesome beauty overwhelming you, beauty reflective of my own.  Consider still, their charted course carried out over generations, never leaving my plan, always remaining steady and sure, reflective of my promise to you to be the same yesterday, today and forever--you can trust in me.

Consider yet the seasons, their unique and special beauty, but also their predictable occurrence, reflecting my dependability, I will not let you down--you can place your trust in me.

Child, you will go through many changes in your life, but I will stay the same.  I have placed reminders of my unchanging, consistent, reliable love throughout my creation--reflections of me.  So, until we meet face to face, look upon my reflections and know that my love for you will never change.  And because I said it, you can trust it.

How you can pray:
-A very good friend of mine is visiting the Dr. today.  She is pregnant with twins, but they have not yet been able to find heartbeats for the babies.  They are going to check one more time to try to find their heartbeats.

What I am thankful for:
-My friend (mentioned at the beginning of this post) is now back together with her husband:).

Silence by Heather Ledeboer

Have your children ever been playing and suddenly you realize that you haven't heard anything from them in a while and you become concerned?  What might they be secretly trying to get into?  Are they hurt?  Why don't I hear anything?

Yesterday I discovered that silence isn't always bad.  When I opened my son's bedroom door this is what I found:

Hunter and Ashlyn were simply sitting on the bed together listening to music on Hunter's radio--too cute!

A Pair of Shoes by Heather Ledeboer

I have been asked how I am doing.  This is how I can answer just lately:
"I am doing pretty good I think.  I am feeling a lot more whole/solid/grounded if that makes sense.  It seems like I am not as fragile and I am enjoying getting back into Mom 4 Life stuff again.  I am a changed person but in most ways for the better I think and so in this new way I can feel that I am in a sense stepping out of a dark room and walking toward the light and there is hope sustaining the way.”

I have some thoughts swimming around in my mind that I would like to get down soon but at the end of the week/weekend I often like to take a little break from writing.  Again and as always THANK YOU to those of you who check in to see how things are going and your prayers.  We are totally humbled by it.

The poem below was sent to me by a friend named Krista about a week after Sawyer was born.  Since then it has been sent to me a few more times and I have seen it on a few blogs.  I thought it was really good and wanted to share it. I am learning to walk in my shoes so they don't hurt quite as much.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each
day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad
that I do not think I can take
another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they
are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are
might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes
you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can
never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the
only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women ache daily as they try
and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in
them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that
days will go by before they think about
how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a
stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength
to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a
woman who has lost a child.

*Author Unknown*

Welcome to Holland by Heather Ledeboer

A friend named Heather sent me the following poem.  It hangs on the wall in the speech therapist's office where her niece visits.  Although it is written with a different focus than my current situation, I thought it was still applicable and beautiful.  Thank you Heather for sharing it with me.

"Welcome to Holland"
By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987.  All rights reserved.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Lessons from Ruth

At the suggestion of Angie's post a few days back I recently read the book of Ruth in the bible.  I love how Angie can come away with something poignant and applicable and I can read the same book and come away with something totally different--A good reminder of what Hebrews 4:12 says: "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul and spirit, joints and marrow, as it judges the thoughts and purposes of the heart."

As I concluded the book of Ruth I leaned back against the pillows of my bed, rested my head, closed my eyes and thought about Ruth.  She was married and her husband died.  No children to carry on her family name.  No husband to provide or care for her.  As I read her story, I do not read that she curled up and cursed God for his unfair act against her.  I don't read about her shaking her fist and asking why she wasn't left with any children.  It is quite possible that Ruth felt or acted in such a way, but if she did, it is not what is highlighted of her story.  The bible focuses on her faithfulness to her mother-in-law, Naomi and in turn, God's faithfulness to Ruth.  Naomi and Ruth return to Naomi's hometown and by God's sovereign plan Ruth meets Boaz (a relative by marriage).  At the end of the story we read that Ruth and Boaz get married and have a child named Obed.  We then read the family line and see that out of Obed's family comes David (King David) out of whose family Jesus is later born.

What struck me about this story was that it started with pain and death and ended with life and hope.  Ruth's husband died and because of that loss, her life's course was altered in a profound way.  Yet it was because of her loss that she later remarried and it was through that relationship that she had her son Obed and because of that son that Ruth was in the linage of Jesus.  Oh dear Ruth, do you have any idea the blessing that came out of your pain? 

Some of you have asked if we plan to try for another child.  The answer is yes.  Our hearts long for a baby in this family.  Every night at dinner Hunter prays, "God please send us another baby soon" and our family says "AMEN".  Should we be blessed with another baby, we recognize that this specific child in all practicality would likely not have ever been conceived had Sawyer lived.  And in the same way that we simply cannot know the full effect of Sawyer's short life, we cannot fully know what effect the life of our next baby might have.  Ruth could never have guessed how blessed she was through her pain, can we?

How you can pray:
-That in God's perfect timing we might be blessed with another child.

What I am thankful for:
-Hope

How did I know? by Heather Ledeboer

I have had several good questions posted so far.  Today I am going to answer the questions about how I knew or found out that Sawyer had died (if you are new to our story, you can click here and scroll to the bottom to begin at the beginning).

Looking back on it now, I have more clarity about the fact that something was wrong (that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing).  As I compare my pregnancy with Hunter, Ashlyn and Sawyer I realize that Sawyer was much less active in general, I am not sure about early on but especially in my third trimester.  I remember in my first two pregnancies being able to let Trent (my husband) feel the kicks and movements and how they would just be moving for long periods of time and we could enjoy feeling their movement through my belly.  With Sawyer I wanted my family, (especially Hunter) to be able to feel him move so when I would feel a kick or movement I would get ready to have Hunter feel it on my belly and then Sawyer would stop and be done, he just didn't have the same amount of activeness.  BUT I wasn't too concerned about that just thinking each child is different, perhaps Sawyer was just really laid back! 

I had very itchy legs (and later arms) during my pregnancy and mentioned this to my midwife during my third trimester along with a link to the http://www.itchymoms.com/ website asking if I should be worried.  The condition mentioned on this website called ICP, if left untreated, can lead to infant death around 37 weeks.  I also mentioned to my midwife that I had the same symptoms of itchiness (minus the itchy arms which didn't happen until later with Sawyer) with my first two pregnancies.  She suggested that I take the herb Milk Thistle which helps improve liver function as itching is typically related to something with your liver.  I did this and after a week or so didn't notice any real change but because I had itchiness with Hunter and Ashlyn I wasn't too concerned about it and didn’t mention it after that.

Around week 33 I started having some protein in my urine.  This can often be connected with not having enough protein in your diet and since I don't typically eat protein until lunch or later in the day (my appointments were typically around 12:30) we figured that was likely why and I was told to start eating some protein with breakfast and as a snack before lunch.

At week 35 my prenatal visit was at my home since I was planning a home delivery.  My uterus hadn't really grown according to their measurement but my bed is soft and different from the surface they normally measured me on so they thought perhaps that accounted for it.  They had me lay on the floor to see if that helped with the measurement and it did help some so they were not concerned.
 
That weekend I visited my friend Sarah for some pregnancy photos.  At the end of the weekend my ankles were REALLY swollen.  I had never had this before for any pregnancies and was a little concerned BUT it was really hot that weekend and I had been on an airplane so perhaps it was due to dehydration since I know I didn't drink a lot that weekend.  I remember thinking that if the swelling didn't go down within a day after being home I would start worrying.  It did start returning to normal quickly and was fine (pretty much back to normal) within 2-3 days of being home so I just mentioned it at my 26 week appointment but didn't bring it up before that time.

At my 36 week appointment my uterus again measured small and had only gained 4 oz in the previous two weeks (so looking back at this point Sawyer had really not grown at all in the last two weeks).  I was told they would do an ultrasound the next week if I didn't have an improvement.  I had been starting to have a small concern in the back of my mind and by this appointment was feeling uneasy about things but when they listened to his heart it was nice and strong and this made me think I was likely being silly and had nothing I needed to worry about.  I should have spoken up at this point about my instinct that something was just not right, I should have asked that we do an ultrasound right then or ask more questions about the fact that he had not grown and I had not gained weight.
 
My 36 week appointment was on a Thursday.  The following Saturday was our birthing class at the birthing center.  Trent and I went together and my "bad feeling" was still in the back of my mind.  After the class I spoke with one of the doulas there and asked some more questions about my protein being high in my urine and the lack of growth and my swollen ankles the previous weekend.  I was encouraged to be sure I was drinking lots of water and eating lots of protein and assured that the measurements and levels were not in a range that were of concern to her.  That afternoon we went to a local theme park and walked around a lot of the day.  By that evening I mentioned to Trent that I was not sure that I had felt Sawyer move recently.  I was having Braxton-hicks contractions pretty regularly and that was confusing me from knowing how long it had been since I had actually felt Sawyer move.  I tried to assure myself that since I had been walking all day, I likely just hadn't noticed him moving.  Plus being farther along in my pregnancy, I know the amount of movement often is less.  Or I thought that perhaps he was facing my back and his movements were not as noticeable since they were not toward my belly. I am a pretty optimistic person in general and in this situation it was likely not to my advantage because I think I felt I probably didn’t really need to be worried, everything would be fine, my first two pregnancies were fine, this one would be too.

On Sunday I walked with two of my Mom 4 Life assistants in Bloomsday which is a local, annual race.  Thousands do this race, it is run by hard-core runners down to slow walking, stroller-pushing parents.  It is a fun race with lots of community support, music playing and just a real festive feel.  We had been planning to do it weeks before hand.  I was just barely 37 weeks at this point and figured I would just be extra sure to drink lots of fluid and not push myself to hard (we would walk the whole thing--it was 7.5 miles) and if I didn't feel like I could finish I would just take the pace car to the finish:)!  Worst case scenario was that I would start going into labor but since I was 37 weeks even that wasn't a huge concern.  As we drove to the race I remember mentioning to the girls that I was a little concerned that I hadn't felt Sawyer move.  I was hoping that my concern was unnecessary but it was starting to really bother me.  I couldn't even think FOR SURE of when I last felt him move.  I kept having those darn braxton-hicks contractions and that was throwing everything off because I was feeling "something" it just wasn't him.  Throughout the day I kept hoping for a reassuring kick or something.  By that evening after the race, I got on-line and started doing some research about kick counting to brush up on what is "normal".  I read that you should feel around 10 movements in an hour and had a sinking feeling knowing that was not what was going on with me.  It was suggested on-line that I drink some juice, lay on my side and count my movements for an hour.  So I drank some juice, laid down and watched a move with Trent.  I didn't feel anything the whole time.
 
Early the next morning (Monday) I called my midwife and told her about my concern and my this time my "bad feeling" was more of an unconfirmed dread.  It was like somehow knowing something deep down that you don't want to know.  Over the weekend I was slowing coming to realize something awful and knowing when it was time to be "officially" panicked about it and call to have things checked out was hard.  It was like a mix of denial and dread that kept me from calling sooner.
 
The birthing center was having a fund-raiser thing at a local kids bounce house on Monday morning and I had planned to take the kids there anyway.  Because my midwife would be there we decided to have her bring her Doppler with and we could just check things out there.  We arrived at the bounce house and my midwife and I went into the bathroom with the Doppler.  At first she just checked me standing up.  Not finding a heartbeat right away, she had me lay down.  Several times she thought she had maybe found something but it was just my heart beat racing and worried.  My mind went back to my last appointment and how quickly and easily they found the heart rate and by this point I was pretty sure I knew she wouldn't find anything.  Outside the bathroom all the kids were bouncing blissfully and just a few feet away in the bathroom my world was quickly changing.  After several minutes of trying she decided we should go to the birthing center which was very close by to check things out with the ultrasound.  Someone there volunteered to watch my kids and as we drove the few blocks to the birthing center I felt like I was living my last blissful moments before the reality of what I thought was going to be, would begin.  Once at the birthing center, laying on the bed, I thought back 10 weeks prior to when Trent had sat in this same spot for a 3D ultrasound.  It is amazing how vastly different my feelings were the second time around.
 
My midwife searched around for what was probably only a brief time.  For me it felt so long.  I kept longing just to hear that little heart that was so strongly there only 5 days prior.  "Here is his little heart" she finally said, "it is still, I am so sorry".  Until that moment there had been a small shred of hope remaining but seeing that image on the screen, so calm, so void of movement caused the gave reality of the situation to sweep over me like a flood.  It was then that the tears came.  The longing came.  The sorrow came.  The pain came.  "I miss him already" was my first thought (which later was Hunter's first words when he saw Sawyer after he was born).  I felt so hollow and empty.  BUT I was not alone.  As if God himself was whispering in my mind I felt as though he was saying, "You are not alone.  I am here.  I am with you.  I will carry you through this.  You are not alone.  I know it hurts.  I lost my Son too.  You are not alone."  I asked my midwife to pray for me and she did.  She prayed words of comfort and support, of faith and trust.  She then called Trent and asked him to come in.  He later told me that during his drive he figured there was a 10% chance I had gone into labor early and a 90% chance that something was terribly wrong.  After he arrived and was filled in on the situation, we cried together.  We had questions and our midwife answered what she could and thus began our journey. 

Looking back, if I had to guess, I think Sawyer died on Friday or Saturday (around 2-3 days prior) based on the fact that I can't recall definite movement from as far back as those days and since we knew he was still alive during my Thursday appointment but it is hard to know for sure.  If I had it to do over I would have been more comfortable with expressing the nagging feeling in the back of my mind and I would have called in as soon as I started having concerns about not feeling movement.  I also would have been proactive with doing kick counting.  I even had a kickTrack for this purpose that was in my bathroom for my entire pregnancy but most of the time I forgot it was there and didn’t use it:(.  I would have pushed to have the blood tests done that can deturmine if I had ICP.  I would have asked to have an ultrasound during the last appointment I had when we discovered I had only gained 4 oz in two weeks and/or a Fetal Non-Stress Test (but in reality I didn't even learn about fetal non-stress tests until just recently as I had never had a reason to get one with my first two pregnancies so I didn't even really know to ask for one). 

It is easy to be convinced that everything is likely ok, but we are the only ones that truly can advocate for ourselves.  Do I blame myself?  I would be lying if I said that I haven't had thoughts like that because I would do some things differently and feel there possibly could have been a different outcome if I had.  As a mother you have a strong desire to protect your children.  How do you wrap your head around the fact that your child died INSIDE of you--a place that should be a haven of safety?  But ultimately I have to realize that Sawyer's life was not held in my hands. Psalm 139:16 says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  God has ultimate control.  He knows exactly how many days each of us will live life on this Earth.  He could have changed the outcome of my pregnancy but he didn't.  I don't understand the reason behind Sawyer's death, but I do choose to trust him.  I also acknowledge the fact that sin sucks and has affected everything and until Christ returns, things here on Earth will continue to be infused with pain.  I have to remind myself to focus on this and not what I could or couldn’t have done, I don’t want guilt to own me.

As mentioned previously, we desire to find out officially what happened, why Sawyer died.  We sent in my placenta in for testing (upon delivery it was found to be smaller than expected and looked aged).  I got some information back from the placenta testing and there was some indication that perhaps my body produced some blood clots (or maybe is continually producing them).  These clots would have/could have affected the placenta and blocked Sawyer’s ability to be nourished from my body (both Ashlyn and Hunter were born small 5lbs. 10 oz and 6 lbs so that could explain that as well).  We did blood work before I delivered and will follow up with more when I see a specialist on the 16th of June.  With this follow up blood work we should be able to confirm if I am indeed making these blood clots.  We are hopeful that we might find some answers but acknowledge that the answerers may never come.  I know I have to live with either outcome.  For me it would feel nice to have the “reason” be something that I couldn’t have known about or prevented to help with guilt.

____________________________

Everything above this line was written before today.  Today was the day that we met with a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist in Spokane at the Sacred Heart Medical Center.  Overall the meeting was a little disappointing to me because some of the papers from my medical history were not all received when they were faxed over so the Dr. didn’t have my full file to reference.  One of the pages he didn’t receive from the faxes was the one that had my liver results (which was spiked quite high in one area) so we didn’t get to discuss that to any real extent although I did make sure to mention my leg and arm itchiness and my looking into ICP and he was familiar with it (although I do not know to what full extent).  One thing he wants to look into more via additional blood work is to try to find out if I possibly have an auto immune disease.  The reason for this is because in all three of my pregnancies I have had “false positive” tests for Syphilis and apparently this can be an indicator that there may be underlying auto immune problems (which can apparently cause problems for pregnancies).  After I came home I talked with someone who has Lupus and told me that she was not diagnosed with it until she was in her 30's or 40’s (I can't remember which) and after 9 miscarriages!  So we are going to check that out more closely.  I of course had to Google "Lupus" and read up on it to see if it seemed likely that I might have it and I do have some of the "symptoms" that they mention so it will be interesting to see what the blood work reveals.  As much as I want to know why Sawyer died I certainly don't relish the idea of having the "reason" be that I have an underlying disease (although of course if I have it I would want to know about it but I think you know what I mean).

So at this point we still don’t know anything concrete.  I will have more blood tests and we will move forward from there.

How you can pray:
-That we could find out why Sawyer died.
-That if we don't find out I can be at peace about that.
-That the "why" wouldn't involve me having a health problem that isn't curable.

What I am thankful for:
-That I live in a country that I can freely choose to visit a Dr. that can specialize in this area.
-That God enables people to study about our bodies in such a way that we can identify problems and diseases and work to find solutions and cures to help improve our quality of life.

T-Shirts and Target by Heather Ledeboer

Sometimes I see those shirts that say something like, “My grandpa went to Maui and all I got was this lousy Tshirt”.  Then I look at the tree we planted for Sawyer, the necklace around my neck that is inscribed with his name and the ring on my finger that my husband gave me with Sawyer’s birthstone and I think, “I had a beautiful son who lived in my womb for almost 37 weeks and all I have to show for it is a tree, a necklace and ring, this sucks!” 

I am thankful for the reminders, I find myself needing to keep them close to me, poof that he was here.  But I can’t help but long that I could somehow visit a magical booth and present all my beautiful reminders and trade them instead for my beautiful baby. 

I was in Target today (Friday) and I could have sworn that every person in there was either carrying a baby in their arms or in their womb.  Those that weren’t seemed to be standing next to the isle of baby gear or in front of the diapers. 

In these situations my mind often wanders to the realm of what ifs.  “What if Sawyer was alive right now. . . what would I be doing with him?  Would he be sleeping?  Would I be feeding him?  Would the kids be interacting with him?”

As I type those words, the thoughts come into my mind as if from God to say "But WHAT IF Sawyer's brief life had a bigger purpose than you ever could have dreamed?"  Then it comes back to that whole perspective thing. My perspective is so limited, so narrow, so self centered.  God gets the treat of the wide angle lens, the eternal scope and the self sacrificing attitude.  So I won't get to spend my life on Earth with Sawyer (which at best might mean I have the next 70 or so years without him).  I will get the next 70 million years with him, and that is just the start of it.  If only I could wrap my mind around eternity!

So much of how I am feeling depends on the perspective I am focusing on and if I am looking at this situation with logic or emotion.  Logically I say to myself "We wanted another child, what we got was not what we anticipated.  We expected a healthy baby, we got something different.  It sucks, we don't want this but it is our reality, this is the new road we are walking."  In this logical mode is where I spend most of my time.  However, the waves of emotion roll up and down and when they swell, I push the logic aside and cry that my arms are empty.

"Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them." Psalm 10:17

How you can pray:
-For comfort during the emotional roller coaster.

What I am thankful for:
-Support during the ride.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I am choosing to slowly get back into the swing of things from my "old life" before Sawyer died.  Part of this process will involve bringing back some of the guest writers for this blog.  So you will start to see some posts from me and some posts from other authors as well.  The author's name will either be in the title of the post or at the bottom of the post so you know who is talking to you:). 

As an update, the last few days have been quite lovely overall and our family has enjoyed friends over to our home both last night and tonight and the kids and I have enjoyed play dates the last few days as well:).  As such, I have not had much of a chance to blog.  I have a new topic marinating in my mind that I hope to write on soon but tonight it is late so I have to decide between spending some time in God's Word or blogging and I am needing to choose the former. 

As a general rule I have been taking the weekends off and not posting on the blog on Saturday or Sunday (and sometimes Friday) just so you know why there typically won't be new content posted on those days.

Below (the line) is a post written by Kristina B.  This mom will often post fun ideas or things to try.  I am sure you will enjoy her posts as much as I often do.  Have a great Friday!!  On her topic of great things and websites to try, I would like to add Safe Mama to the list.  I just discovered this website and it has a wealth of fantastic information.  Two great posts from this site/blog that I have recently found useful is their list of baby wipes and which brands have ingredients that are questionable as well as what they call "safer" sunscreens for children.
-Heather L.

________________________________________________________

Sometimes, I come across a product that I just love and must share it with you.  So, here's a few of my relatively recent favorite things and I hope you may find them of use in your motherhood journey.

Blue House Soaps is a WAHM business that sells, well, soaps, among other things like essential oils, lotion, and linen sprays.  I came upon this little gem during this round of the Great Cloth Diaper Hunt (you remember Heather posting about the GCDH weeks ago?)  While searching their site for that pesky little diaper icon, I found a shampoo/shaving bar made from beer.  That's right, beer.  I thought it was so funny, I told hubby, who instead of laughing as expected, said he has heard of such things and thought we should buy it, along with a few other things.  We ended up absolutely loving the soaps we got.  They work well, smell great, and leave a pleasant scent in your bathroom post-shower.  Although it may take about a week before your package ships, it is oh-so-worth the wait.

Everyday Minerals is a relatively small company that sells mineral make-up, which my mother-in-law got me hooked on.  I love everything I have from them, and their prices are great, but I just want to mention their Sunlight Concealer.  It's fabulous for hiding those dark circles under tired mommy eyes.  (This is the kind of make-up I happen to use, but mom4life also has make-up that I haven't had the pleasure of trying, but if Heather carries it, you know it's good.)

I love having a baby sling, which makes so many things easier, like crowded places that a stroller can not easily get through.  If you don't have one, I highly recommend one, even just for taking baby for a walk.

Herbal tea.  That's pretty self-explanatory.

I hope you try (and love) some of my favorite things, and here's hoping they make your life a little easier, or at least relaxing.

-Kristina B.

Cleaning and Control

Today is June 10, 2008, one month to the day after Sawyer was born.  Today it snowed.  Yes you did read that correctly, in the early morning we had snow here--today!  For those of you who have been reading my blog since this last winter will remember that we had a record breaking amount of snow (click here to see a photo of my husband working on shoveling out our driveway taken this past winter).

The snow this morning was a good reminder that life can be very unexpected.  It is so easy to get into our routines and schedules and have our plans and goals and feel very "in charge" when in fact we really have very little control. 

I read another blog called "Bring the Rain, the story of Audrey Caroline" (at the suggestion of no less than at least ten separate people).  I love reading this blog because not only is Angie's story similar to my own, but she also has a love for God and is opening herself up as she travels her own journey.  Yesterday I read this post in which Angie begins by talking about cleaning.  She says, "For some reason, when I am in the midst of a crisis, I feel the need to clean.  I want my house to be spotless, everything in its place.  I have heard that this can be part of the grieving process, and it makes sense.  There is a need for something to be controlled and in order."  I can really relate to this.  I already am a "cleaner".  I don't feel that I can fully relax until my environment is in order.  However, since Sawyer has died, there have been times when I can tell that my desire to clean reaches past the need to irradiate the surface dirt and instead to disinfect deep down.  I want to clean up everything--my house (scrub, scrub) my life, (scrub, scrub) my plans that have been so drastically changed for me (scrub, scrub).  As I think about the unexpectedness of life, I find that I am faced with two options:
1) I can say "I have lost my control" or
2) I can say "I relinquish my control". 
On the surface these two statements may sound similar in action, but I believe they are drastically different in meaning.

Losing control is simply admitting that we our powerless, while still leaving us feeling hopeless and lost.  Relinquishing our control admits that although we are powerless, there is someone more powerful that has control.  It is likely that whole pride thing, but I would much rather relinquish my control freely than have it "taken" away suddenly.  So today I am choosing to relinquish my control.  I give it to my Heavenly Father, who has it anyway and trust that he knows what is best for me, just as any good parent does.  The only bummer is that this is one of those "lather, rinse, repeat" type of things in life.  I find that I have to relinquish my control regularly as I find myself starting to pull at the fringes in an attempt to grab a hold of my life more often than I would like to admit. 

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

So, what are YOU learning today?

How you can pray:
-That I will relinquish control in all the right areas.

What I am thankful for:
-a clean house:) and the fact that I can trust my Heavenly Father to take care of my life.

Heather Ledeboer

A Very Important Question by Heather Ledeboer

There is something about losing something dear to you that causes you to reevaluate everything else in your life.  Things quickly get prioritized simply because you can't function to a degree that you could days before your life forever changed.  I can see how people in deep grief lose their desire to eat, the will to get out of bed in the morning, energy to leave the house. . . not necessarily because I experienced these same things myself but because my life shifted in the same uncontrollable way when Sawyer died.  This experience has allowed our family to take a deep look at what truly matters, what we hold most dear and these are the things that are worth clinging to when our strength no longer allows us to grab on to everything.

About a week ago I got an email from Nicole who asked me a very important question.

Q: "I would like to hear more about how you've come to your faith and how you have come to trust in God so completely.  You see- I have a good life- I have a loving husband and 3 wonderful children - I work part-time and love what I do.  I have loving and supportive family and friends all around me. And yet- I feel that something is missing- I know that God is missing from my life.  There is no pivotal moment, that stands out to me, but I've lost my faith in God, heck- I've lost my belief in God.  I don't know where it went, but it's been gone for a long time.  I'm not sure that I can find it again.  But part of me is empty and lonely without it.  Your complete trust in God to carry you through this, one of the most difficult times of your life- is so beautiful (not the right word, but I'm at a loss)- the word grace is coming mind- I imagine you bathed in God's grace, as He carries you---- this question may not make sense, but I'm going to ask- how are you able to let Him?"

A: Dear Nicole, Thank you so much for writing.  I feel honored and blessed to answer your question “how are you able to let Him [carry you]?”  It is a very important question.  I had to think about it for a while to try to find the words to answer you best.  Tonight the answer came to me as I remembered a verse from the bible—“ Now without faith it is impossible to please God, for whoever comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently search for him.” Hebrews 11:6  My answer to you is FAITH. 

Having said that let me back up a bit.  Believing in God is a choice and we are all given the freedom to choose to believe or not believe.  Our belief (or lack of it) doesn’t change who God is, just our understanding of him. 

I choose to believe the words in the bible that say that God created this world.  Most people seem to know deep down that we are here for a reason and that there has to be some sort of intelligence behind creation.  Several months ago my husband and I watched a Discovery show about life inside the womb.  It talked about the complex formation of life.  There are so many things that can go wrong while a baby is being formed but yet the design is there, the blueprint that needs to be followed in order for a healthy baby to be born.  As a mother witnessing the remarkable miracle of birth and also learning how fragile life is, I cannot deny that intelligent design is behind that blueprint.  Romans 1:20 says “For since the creation of the world God's invisible attributes-his eternal power and divine nature-have been understood and observed by what he made, so that people are without excuse.”

When I look at creation, I believe that it takes more faith to believe that there is not a God than to give him credit for it.  Lots of people say they believe in God, but they don’t choose to trust in him.  For me this gets very sticky because If you believe there is a God, than logically you would believe that God is who he said he is.  If he is not who he said he is, he can’t be God.  God makes LOTS of claims and promises in the bible--LOTS.  I don’t believe that we can take some of them, the ones we like and leave the rest or twist and change it to suit us.  God is GOD, he created the world, he makes the rules.  In the bible God talks about his power over creation when he says:

“4 Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding,
5 Who set its measurements? Since you know. Or who stretched the line on it?
6 “On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid its cornerstone,
7 When the morning stars sang together And all the sons of God shouted for joy?
8 “Or who enclosed the sea with doors When, bursting forth, it went out from the womb;
9 When I made a cloud its garment And thick darkness its swaddling band,
10 And I placed boundaries on it And set a bolt and doors,
11 And I said, ‘Thus far you shall come, but no farther; And here shall your proud waves stop’?”
Job 38:4-11

So if I claim to believe in God I have to choose, do I believe there IS a God or do I choose to embrace him as MY God and trust in him.  I don’t think this means I have to UNDERSTAND all of his ways and in all honesty I don’t think I SHOULD understand all of his ways, after all he is GOD, he knows all, he sees the big picture when I cannot, he is not bound by time and has an eternal perspective which I often lack.  The verses below are found in the bible as well and verses 8 and 9 speak specifically of how Gods perspective is so much different than ours.

6 Seek the LORD while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake his way And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the LORD, And He will have compassion on him, And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon.
8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:6-9

It actually brings me comfort to know that the God I am trusting in is not bound by the same rules I am, he not only knows my past but he can see the future.  If I am going to place my trust in something other than myself, it needs to be something BIG, something worthy, something TRUSTWORTHY.  If I am willing to believe in God, that means that I have to trust in him and this is where my belief is turned into faith. 

When my husband and I decided to get married, we discussed love quite a bit.  We talked about how it is not simply a feeling, it has to also be a decision because the feeling of love comes and goes.  Each day we choose to love each other despite how we feel about each other.  Our changing feelings about God don’t determine if he is real, who he is stays the same. 

When I was young I was taught about God and as a young girl I chose to believe in him.  There have been many occasions that I can look back on and see Gods hand on my life and ways that he showed me how real he is.  Over the years the level of my devotion to God has varied.  On many occasions I have been distracted from God and focused on myself and my life and have forgotten to include God.  Thankfully, God is patient with me and whenever I return to God he is waiting with open arms for me to come back. 

My faith has been strengthened to a degree that I have never known though this experience with Sawyer’s death because for the first time it has been put to the test in a deeply personal way.  Like love, I CHOOSE to continue believing even when I don’t understand my circumstances because I know that God does understand and that he loves me and has a plan for my life.  I trust that he has not taken me this far only to let me fall.  I look at my situation and the peace I have in the midst of this storm and I have confidence that God is carrying me, there is simply no other explanation I can offer.  As my husband stated today, in a situation like this you can either choose to hate God and turn from him or choose to hate sin and cling to God.  I am too helpless on my own to turn from God. 

You stated, “part of me is empty and lonely without [my faith and belief in God]”.  This makes a lot of sense to me, another word perhaps could be hopelessness.  We all need hope and we ALL experience that same feeling of emptiness without God.  I have already lost my son, I can’t lose hope as well.  God holds my hope, hope for the future, hope for life after loss, hope for heaven.

I want to thank you again for writing me.  It brings me great joy to share my thoughts with you about God and especially knowing that Sawyer’s life prompted this opportunity.  I love having the opportunity to share with you out of hope that it will encourage you to dig deeper into your questions about God.  I also encourage you to consider reaching out to God in prayer and asking him to show himself to you.  He is real, he will answer your prayer, you just have to be ready to see the answer.

How you can pray:
-Pray for Nicole who asked the above question, that God would make himself real to her.

What I am thankful for:
-The opportunities that Sawyer's life has opened up.

Suffering vs. Suffering by Heather Ledeboer

After hearing that our son Sawyer died shortly before he was born, people that don't know me have asked, "do you have other children?"  When I tell them I do, they respond, "well that's good". 

It is good, very good!  However, it doesn't change our situation, we still have lost a child.  I can't honestly say if it would be "harder or easier" if Sawyer had been our first child.  I have spoken with other moms who have also lost babies and found that each situation carries its own unique "positives and negatives".  From what I hear, mothers who lose their first baby have the extra sadness of an empty house without any kids.  They also don't "fully" realize the full extent of what they have lost unless they have another child.  It is only then that that they see all the things they missed with their child that died and begin to grieve those little milestones that they never will see. All grief has moments of up and down.  When those waves crash down on me, I sometimes wish that I could simply go curl up in bed and close my eyes and push it away with sleep.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to time my crashing waves to arrive after 7:00PM so that my kids are also soundly tucked in their beds.  Being a mother means that my two living children ask for my attention when my mind wants to focus on that of my deceased child.  However, it also means I can hold our children close and treasure them in a whole new way that I never could before we had known what it was to lose something so dear.

Quite simply you cannot compare one person's loss to another or as Nick Vujicic says, "we cannot and we should not compare suffering".  This weekend I watched a You Tube video about a man named Nick Vic's who was born without arms and without legs.  His story is inspirational to say the least.  I would invite you to watch this 8 min video to see what I mean.  I love the message he shares.  I couldn't help but think that because he was born like this, he could have had a very good chance of being aborted now days. . . look at the example he is to us.

I'm Rare, Hooray! by Heather Ledeboer

I was visiting a friend's blog and saw a little personality badge that showed her personality type and got curious.  I clicked over and took the test to find out what my personality was.  I will admit that I am a bit fascinated by personality tests.  I have taken some in the past and still have the results from them in our file cabinet.  So when I got the results from my test and the first sentence said, "INFJs (my dominant personality), make up an estimated 1% of all people and are the most rare type." I have to admit I was sort of excited.  Only 1%!!!  I love that I am so rare LOL:)!!  Out of curiosity I went to my file cabinet and pulled out the personality test I took in high school and guess what--I was the same type then too so it has to be legit;).  Click here to read more detail about my personality type (I feel it is pretty accurate of myself) and click around on the site to take your own test!  Leave a comment and let me know what your personality type is!!

My Reflection by Heather Ledeboer

Today I was remembering something I wrote several years ago about how are lives are a reflection of who we are and what we believe.  The story below was posted on my blog last year so for some of you it may be familiar.  I will invite you to read it and I will add to it my new thoughts on this topic at the end:

I had a strange thing happen to me the other day.  I was in my bathroom, getting ready to go to town.  I took one last look in the mirror before walking out.  As I walked into the hallway, I noticed my slippers had been left in my husband’s bathroom from the evening before.  As I went in to pick them up, I glanced in the mirror.  Funny thing was, as I looked into his mirror my reflection seemed to look better than it had in my mirror.  Thinking that strange I went back into my bathroom to see—and yes I definitely looked worse in my mirror!  It made me start to think about different department stores that I have been in from time to time.  I have had the same experience there—certain mirrors seemed to reflect a better looking me than others.  Perhaps it is the lighting or the actual mirror itself because I refuse to believe that it is just in my head.  But in actuality, regardless of the reason, my reflection stays largely similar—it’s always me! 

I get a different perspective when I look at my son, Hunter.  In him I see slight variations of my husband--his mouth, his hairline, his charming personality.  I can even start to see a glimpse or two of me.  I take a lot of pride in my son.  Even though he is not able to do that much, he causes an awful lot of love to pour out of my heart.  I love that he is a reflection of Trent and I.

Which brings me back to the mirror.  What I see when I look in the mirror is probably quite different from what God sees when he looks at me.  And although Hunter is a reflection of his father and I, we are all reflections of our father—our Heavenly father.  What I need to ask myself is, how accurate of a reflection am I?  Do people look at me and say “Oh, God looked a little better in her yesterday?” or do they say; “Now that is what Jesus must look like.”

This is the challenge we all face as parents; to mirror God to our children so that they will look more like him every day.  We were after all created in His image—shouldn't’t we reflect that?

Reading my thoughts written several years ago brings me face to face with the application that they have for our current situation.  Not only do I have the challenge of what my reflection shows our children, but also what it shows to everyone else.  The Bible says "the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart (Luke 6:45)".  Who I am on the inside will come out and make itself known in one way or another, especially in difficult times. 

I find myself wondering what people think of when they see me now.  Do they think "Oh there goes that poor mom that lost her baby"?  I am guessing that many do.  I think that thought would likely cross my mind if I were in their position and really I don't mind because this is now part of who I am and what makes me, me.  However, what I desire most is that when they see me they might be reminded of God.  Not that I am perfect, because Lord knows that isn't true, but that I am being an accurate reflection of my Heavenly Father.

How you can pray:
-That my reflection would point to God and encourage others to do the same.

What I am thankful for:
-The physical health of Hunter, Ashlyn, Trent and myself.

Q&A #2 by Heather Ledeboer

I am going to answer another question today from a previous post.  This question comes from Tara R:

Q: I'm so glad you are having some pain free moments. My question: how have you been keeping up with your business during this time of loss? And what is your most favorite thing to do with the girls that work for you?

A: Tara, this is a great question!  When I started Mom 4 Life it was a one woman operation.  I started Mom 4 Life shortly after Hunter was born (about 4 1/2 years ago) and worked during his nap times and after he went to bed at night.  As the business slowly started to grow, I found that I was no longer able to manage it during my son's sleeping time.  At this time, I decided to hire one person to help out on a part-time basis.  It was a scary thing to hire someone for the first time.  My businesses is so personal to me and I really want to offer exceptional service.  It is hard to hand over some of the control to someone else and trust that they will do a great job with it.  Over time the workload continued to grow and I moved from a part-time to full time assistant. 

Now I have a team of lovely ladies that help me in several different areas.  This allows me to remain with my kids.  We have also moved the business from our home to a large shop on our property and no longer store our inventory in our closets and under our beds:). There are several things I continue to do from my laptop stationed on our kitchen table at different times of the day however, most of the things I do are to expand rather than maintain Mom 4 Life.  This thankfully has allowed me to step back from my normal "Mom 4 Life work" during this recent time of change for our family while still keeping things running smoothly (THANKS to the wonderful women that assist me)!  For those of you who may not have had a chance to "meet" the Mom 4 Life team I invite you to click here and scroll down to see their faces and read more about their specific areas of expertise. 

You also asked what I enjoy doing with the girls that work for me.  I enjoy keeping things light and fun and creating a relaxed environment.  We have occasional parties, I like to bring them homemade goodies and we have even been known to do some "sun dances" together to try to encourage the sun to come out after our long winter.  During the lunch hour Anneke and Britta enjoy a 2 mile walk along the road near our home and just recently I have enjoyed going with them (Britta is a SPEEDY girl:) so Anneke and I do our best to keep up with her).  If any of the ladies on the Mom 4 Life team read this and want to chime in with what you enjoy doing while working, feel free to comment.  We got really ambitious 10 months ago and created a 3 minute video about our "Office" that you might enjoy:

How you can pray:
-That I would continue to go to God with everything (positive and negative) and rely on him and not myself for strength.

What I am thankful for:
-I got to meet at the park today with a lady who lives locally to me (a previous Mom 4 Life customer) that has also experienced the loss of a baby.  She was simply lovely.  I enjoyed our visit very much and am thankful for a new friendship--Thank you Selina:).
-The AMAZING ladies that are a part of the Mom 4 Life team and help me to keep things going even during trying times.

I want my manual! by Heather Ledeboer

Living in the 21 century comes with some distinct advantages.  Something I really appreciate is the ease of information acquisition and the ability to figure out how to do things.  Not long ago I mentioned a friend telling me that it was important that I feel free to grieve in whatever way I need to.  I will admit that at first this sounded really great, very freeing in fact.  How ideal to not have boundaries on my feelings or reactions to the death of my son! 

It has now been a month since we began this journey and I am not nearly as excited about this "freedom" of grieving in the way I want to.  I am discovering many things about myself lately and one of them is that I prefer to do things "the right way" or at least to know what the right way is so that I can determine what variations might be acceptable in my situation.  For example, if I am going to try a new meal, I will follow the exact recipe the first time and perhaps try something a little different the next time around.  If I buy something new, I am happy to pull out the directions and follow them step by step to be sure it is done right.  So here I am plopped in the middle of a new situation and I am told in so many words to "do whatever feels right".  I am sorry but I don't know if I want that kind of freedom, I want my grief manual!!!!  I want to be able to start with chapter one and work my way to the end of the book.  Shoot, even people struggling with addictions get steps, 12 of them if I remember right, where are my steps?!? 

There is comfort in knowing if you are "on track" or if you are dangerously close to creating havoc in your life.  I would like to be able to open up my grief manual and read "Typically, mothers who have lost a child before birth experience ____ to ____ days/weeks/months of extreme sadness.  It is not uncommon for this to be followed by several (insert span of time here) of numbness.  This is usually followed by or interspersed with small pockets of happiness.  In most cases, mothers find that around (insert span of time here) they begin to feel as though the fog is starting to lift and she is ready to begin thinking about her old routine and may even be ready to take up some of her old hobbies.  If it takes longer than (insert span of time here) to reach this stage she should be concerned and may wish to contact her doctor.  Reaching this stage before (insert span of time here) is equal cause for concern and immediate intervention should be taken."  All I know is that there are "stages of grief" and that apparently it is very necessary to go through each of them but this doesn't really help me either because no one can say how long each stage will take.  I want a time line!

For the last few days I have noticed that the pain I have felt is not as sharp and seems to be more of a dull ache that lies just below the surface rather than being on the surface.  I still find myself crying but not as quickly or quite as easily.  The number of times that I am specifically thinking about Sawyer throughout the day is less and I am just beginning to feel ready to start thinking about things outside of our direct family (such as Mom 4 Life business).  Part of me feels like this progression is good, likely very healthy and I should be thankful.  The other part feels unsure about it all.  It feels too soon.  I have thoughts of an athlete returning to the field too quickly after an injury only to be carried off the field in a stretcher.  I don't want to be that athlete unknowingly welcoming a greater injury by wrongly thinking my wound is starting to heal.  I find myself wondering if perhaps my feelings can be explained by a stage of denial but then wonder if someone in a denial stage would realize they were denying things?  Perhaps this can more logically be explained because I have been forcing myself to "face the pain" and purge my thoughts into words on my blog all the while being drenched in the cleansing prayers of hundreds of caring people who are sharing with us in our grief.  I have to wonder if it is possible for others to take some of our grief away and bear it for us after reading some of the comments that have been left and talking with some of my friends.

The thing that I think bothers me most about my recent days is that the more "normal" things become, the farther away I feel from the time I had with Sawyer, the more it feels like his memory and details of these last few weeks might fade away.  We had so little time with him, it is almost like an irrational fear of losing what little we had and that in returning to life, his death will fade into the background and be forgotten or at least not remembered as it seems like it should.  Part of the reason that blogging about our journey has felt so therapeutic is that each new person that reads our story carries with them a memory of Sawyer.  This is all that remains, our memories.  To know that others are remembering him as well creates feelings in me that I don't have words for, only tears.  I am guessing that for those of you who have lost a loved one, these feelings might make sense.

I can practically hear the comments to this post already:).  You are going to say "it is ok to be feeling good", "it is ok to grieve in your own way", "there is no perfect time line". . . honestly I am mostly looking for the person who can say "Heather, we have all been holding out on you.  I am the only one that has the guts to do this.  I have one of the forbidden grief manuals.  It is a black market copy so don't let anyone know but your copy is going in the mail tomorrow." 

To that brave person I say: The address for my grief manual is P.O. Box 813, Athol, ID 83801.

How you can pray:
-That when God sends comfort I can simply wrap myself in it willingly and gratefully.

What I am thankful for:
-The opportunity to express my jumbled feelings.

1 year in Idaho--A look back at the move by Heather Ledeboer

You have been so supportive for the last 4 weeks with our family's loss.  Today it is time for a lighter subject:).  One year ago tomorrow we began our road trip moving from Loma Linda, CA to Athol, ID.  Our family was REALLY excited about this move and Trent and I had been looking forward to moving to the Northwest for several years.  I decided to do a video monologue of our trip and in honor of the one year anniversary date of when we left I wanted to share it with you.  I figure that perhaps it will be fun for you to watch even if it is just to get a chance to see our family "in person".  The video is about 10 minutes long.  Toward the end there are two bonus clips (one of them features the first mouse in our house and how we got it out with the help of our mother and father in law) so you won't want to miss it:)!  To watch the video, click here or click on the image below (if you are reading this via email you will only have the option to click on the link above).

Below is what I emailed to our friends and family after we arrived in Idaho detailing all the problems we encountered on our trip.

Dear Friends and Family, Most of you know that we were gearing up for our big move this month. I wanted to give you an update. Our move from CA to ID was safe but not uneventful!

The night before we realized we didn’t have enough room in our trailers to fit everything. Around 3 am we gave up and decided to work more in the morning on it. In the morning we (well Trent and my brother ) unpacked the larger of the two trailers and took out some boxes of Mom 4 Life inventory and that made room for some other things. Our dear friends Chris and Heather DeWitt came along to our rescue and took the boxes to UPS for us to ship to ID and even brought us lunch!! We pulled out about 6 hours later than planned. Three hours into our trip, Trent had a flat tire and my brother’s truck broke down. We were in Bakersfield and we stayed there from Saturday afternoon until Monday morning! We had to rent a Uhaul truck and Trent and my brother moved things out of the big 20 foot trailer into the Uhaul (at least they moved MOST of the items—the rest would have to stay in storage in Bakersfield until later). Then later the tow truck helping them out backed into our trailer and punctured it! It seemed as if everything was going wrong. Even little details—I bought a set of locks for the trailer from Target for Trent and got home only to realize the sealed packaging was missing the lock to the keys! This was not a great time to hang out in Bakersfield with the kids in a hotel while Trent and Zeb (my brother) RE MOVED all the items from one trailer to the next. However, we did finally leave and after that made good time and arrived on Tuesday (4 days after we had left). It was such a fun feeling crossing the state line and showing hunter the “welcome to Idaho” sign. “is it really Idaho?” He asked “OUR Idaho?” It was pretty cute. I made a little video diary along the way during our trip with our video camera documenting all the “fun” activities so that will be fun to watch in a few years;)!

The kids love the new house (and we do too). They love the stairs LOL and just the fact that it is new and there is room to play I think. Last night Trent and I got the business stuff set up in the basement and found that we have SO much room down here that we are only using up about ∏ the space down here! Considering that we were being overtaken by this stuff in our old house, this is great. The mountains are all around and we can see them from almost every window of our house and I love the fact that there are a lot of windows in the house to see them from. Even in the basement I can look out and see them (the windows in the basement are above ground). Today Trent went to the Post Office for the first time and a lady came in asking “Is Heather here?” because she saw the “Mom 4 Life” sign on the back of the van LOL!!! She is a secretary from a local church and apparently was one of the ones that got the letters I sent out a few months ago asking for info and recommendations for employees. Tonight someone from the same church brought us dinner too! Even brought butter for the rolls and plates and plastic forks in case we didn’t have our stuff unpacked. It was really sweet. We don’t have our fridge yet as that was one of the things to be left in Bakersfield so having dinner brought over was really great. Trent’s parents came out to visit and help out and are currently in route to retrieve our 4 Runner and trailer from Bakersfield and should be back late tomorrow. I have a new employee that I met today named Kristen and she is really great. She learns fast and will do a good job I think. It is so quiet here and the house is so well insulated that we can’t even hear the cars drive by on the nearby road. It is a treat and we are loving our first DAY here;). Hope you all are doing well and that you can come visit soon!