The Fog
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood
I have been sitting here with my laptop on my lap for the past hour as we drive home from our vacation in California trying to find the proper eloquence to express myself. I look out the window of our van and drink in the green expanse of Oregon, the sheep grazing on the hillsides and naked trees awaiting the snows of winter with nothing but moss to wrap them up in warmth. Over all the landscape a thick fog drapes itself settling in heavy over the ground. In a strange way the beauty is only enhanced by the mystery of the fog rather than being hidden by it. (I tried capturing it from my camera phone below after I wrote this and the fog had started to lift, but was still pretty.)
Fog is an interesting substance and when it settles low to the ground all you can do is slow down and focus on the viewable road ahead. Even if it is a road you have traveled before, you are forced to rely on what you can see rather than what you remember. I can relate to the fog lately. At the end of October I took a pregnancy test that revealed a very faint pink line. Trent was away at the time on a fishing trip that lasted several days. Seeing that test stirred up a mix of emotions within me but the default feeling was disbelief. For my previous pregnancies I was content with just one positive test. I never quite understood why some women took so many tests, after all, I had been told that any line, no matter how faint was a positive. This time I took more than 6 tests over several days before I decided I was only wasting money to keep taking more. I just didn’t want to start hoping too soon. Now that I am 8 weeks pregnant and have shared the news with all of our family I am eager to share our news with you. Below is a photo of the first 6 tests I took starting with the oldest at the top. I took one a day! After this photo was taken I even took 2 more the week following, just to be sure;).
With this pregnancy I find that I feel much different about sharing "the news". Typically I can't wait to tell others, this time I find that I almost have to force myself to do it. We just got done visiting my dad and step-mother in Los Angeles and I didn't get up the nerve to tell them until our 6th day there LOL. I figure it is rather inevitable that people find out, after all, pregnancy can only be "hidden" for so long. But, I would prefer if only people that knew our whole story knew about this pregnancy. It seems that during pregnancy people feel that they have a special privilege to talk to you openly about your pregnancy and I don't feel as open anymore. I don’t want the questions of “is this your first?” and deciding if I just say no hoping they won’t follow up asking how many kids I have or asking “do you want a girl or a boy” when all I want is a healthy living baby. I typically don’t mind questions, I just prefer ideally that they only come from people who know the depth of the situation or have a deep sensitivity to our loss. It feels as though this pregnancy is in a sense the passing of two silent ships out in quiet, foggy waters–the life of Sawyer who didn’t make it and the life of this baby, waiting to see if it will make it. At times I feel the tendency to almost hold my breath waiting. . . just waiting. We have hope but I feel the desire to protect that hope against anyone that might not treat it tenderly.
Here is a blog entry that I wrote on October 27th, just a few days after finding out that I was pregnant (but didn't post because we had not yet told all of our family the news):
We (Trent and I) are very excited. I almost feel out of place in that emotion, like I don’t belong, like it is a long lost friend that I hardly recognize. It all feels sort of surreal and like at any point I might just find out that it is some cruel joke. I want to fast forward to hearing the heart beat, to feeling movement, LOTS of movement, to labor and most of all holding this baby, warm in my arms and looking into open eyes staring back at me. A friend of mine that lost a baby to stillbirth said after having her “rainbow” child that she thought that mothers giving birth after a loss should be allowed to have a condensed pregnancy, perhaps just 4-5 months total, I am just days into knowing and I fully agree! The last few weeks I have not really known if I am in a place of acceptance or denial of my loss. I find myself choosing not to think on it very long, like my mind is simply too worn from those repeating thoughts to ask it to think on them again. I am hopeful, but no longer expecting a living baby at the end of my pregnancy. I am learning that it is foolish to have the wrong kind of expectations. I can only expect that God will be true to who he is and that Satan will be true to who he is and therein lies the root of my need to release my expectations (the fact that I am not in control). The innocent, blissful fun surrounding pregnancy is gone but I still wish to embrace the joy of new life (however long it lasts) and the hope of a living child in the end.
I am traveling a road that I have been on before, three times to be exact, but this time the way seems to be wrapped in a low hanging cloud preventing an overview of the journey ahead. All I can do is focus on today. Each day is a little different. Some days I am filled with hope and excitement, other days I can still hardly believe it is true but everyday I seek to appreciate the present and I welcome your prayers for this baby as we look forward with hope to 7/7/09.
Heather,
I wish you a heartfelt congratulations. I pray that God gives you peace and joy and excitement throughout this pregnancy.
Jill
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I am just so happy for you…I am just crying thinking of how wonderful you must feel and I just know in my heart Sawyer would be so happy for you
Congrats to you and may you have a wonderful pregnancy…{{{HUGS}}}
PRAISE GOD for his wonderful gift
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Heather,
Many congratulations! I can only imagine that there must be a bit of trepidation with this pregnancy. I pray for a happy, healthy pregnancy for you and a beautiful, bright eyed, healthy baby in July next year.
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Congratulations, Heather!
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Congrats on your pregnancy and thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. You are in my prayers.
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Congratulations Heather!!! I pray for you and your family often and I look forward to reading your blogs through this journey. Blessings! ~Jen
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Congratulations! Sometimes it can be hard to understand God’s ways…but be rest assured, that His ways are much better than ours, no matter how difficult the process!
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I understand your feelings of disbelief and the mix of emotions you are feeling. I’m so happy that the Lord has blessed you with another baby. He or she will be a joy and a blessing…far more than you’ll ever know right now. May you rest in God’s loving care and TRUST Him for all things.
Amy
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Heather, I’ve been so far behind on reading blogs, and am so glad I decided to read yours today! I am praying for you and your new little one!
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Heather and Trent, I will keep you and this beautiful baby you are carrying in my daily prayers. Blessings to all of you! Julie in New Jersey
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Deepest congrats, Heather. I’m sending you an email right now.
Kim
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Heather,
I am so happy for you and Trent and your family. My heart was excited for you and ached for you almost at the same time as I read your post. I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be going through. I will keep all of you in my prayers (as I have been doing).
Congratulations!!!
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Oh Heather, I have so many prayers going out to you, your family and your new baby. Many hugs and congratulations on your latest bundle of joy!!!
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YIPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
that’s all i got. i’m so happy.
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Congratulations! I’ll be praying for you, the new baby, and the rest of your family. God bless you!
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Oh, Heather, congratulations. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. I have thought about how I’ll feel when I’m pregnant with my “rainbow” (in time, as God allows). You seem to (again, of course) share much of the same emotion as I anticipate. I can so see where you’re coming from regarding answering questions about this new pregnancy. I think that I’ll want to explain my loss and what that means for the new preg. Anyways, thanks for being so candid. Lifting you up in prayer now -
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I was overcome with joy when I read your blog entry this morning. Even though we don’t physically know each other, I feel that I have grown to know you and your family through your blog and website. I truly love ordering products through M4L and am happy to share your products and website with others. Now I am excited for the news about the new coming arrival and can’t wait to hear updates on your progress. Again, Congratulations and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Congratulations! I will be praying that God walks with you through this pregnancy and all the emotions you will be having and that you will emerge on the other side with a beautiful baby.
(I thought of you when I heard this song the other day: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/04/slideshow.html)
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Congratulations to you and your family! I have to say, I had a feeling you were expecting.. in fact every blog that comes through my email, I open wondering if this one is going to break the news. =) You all are in my prayers for this new life. I would feel exactly the same way as you. I have those same feelings each time I find out I’m pregnant, even without such a tragic loss. I did have an early miscarriage once, and I think maybe it stems from that.. or just knowing pregnancy never guarantees you a baby in the end.=( It’s good to keep things realistic, but I also really hope you are able to get some peace and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, despite those thoughts.
Congrats again and hugs too.=)
-Kristina
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I think about you almost daily and have been thinking about you getting pregnant again and what emotions you may go through. You had such strength after the loss of Sawyer and I hope you can release your doubts, and fears and truly give it all up to Him, our Lord. I pray that the Lord gives you strength and peace, and helps you to truly rejoice in this gift he has given you. I pray that people are kind in their words and questions. And most of all
I pray for you and this child, for you and your family. We love you, and most importantly- He loves you!
“Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. ” Mathew 6:32-34
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
And one more..
… say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”
Isaiah 35:4
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I am so happy for you and your family Heather and so glad you shared with us. I wish and pray for a wonderful pregnancy and a healthy baby. Best wishes
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My prayers are with you Heather. The tears are streaming down my face as I read your post. My heart aches and is happy for you all at once. I know the feeling of being afraid to be happy for fear it will just be taken right back away from you, so you feel you are better off just being numb. I didn’t have the same kind of loss – my mom passed away when I was 24 – but the fear of being happy has been hanging around on and off ever since. I pray that God will lighten your heart and give you joy in your new pregnancy. I will be praying for you throughout. May God bless you and this new little life!
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Heather – Biggest congratulations. Take comfort in the fact that you have so many people praying for you and your precious new baby! I personally am praying God will take your fear and hesitation and replace it with nothing but the greatest joy. Congratulations again! Great things are headed your way.
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Heather! What great news! God is so good! Congrats! I’m so happy for you and your sweet family! Praying for you,and your sweet blessing from God!
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that is wonderful news, just wanted to say congrats
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God Bless you and your new life growing in you! Congrats Heather! My prayers are with you. Have a good day!
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Congratulations! Blessings to you, your family, and your baby throughout your pregnancy.
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Wow! congratulations! I am happy for you and your family. I am nervous and anxious for you too and will be praying that you will have a wonderful pregnancy with an extremely active baby that will quiet your fears. God is so good, I will be praying for you and hope that you will continue to heal.
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Heather,
Your hope of Christ being in control of this new life is what I am so dramatically aware of. We (me) had to give up our own desires for our children’s futures and live and love in the moment. As you know God wants such good things, for Himself and Ourselves.
I just want to validate your feelings and thoughts: It is alright to continue to mourn your loss. It is alright to have moments of worry.
Just keep giving your fears to God everyday…eventually He will keep them, right?
This baby is a blessing for the LORD and for you. You are loved. Live in the moment.
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Blessings and prayers for you and your newest baby. What wonderful news! Thank you for sharing your journey. May the Lord help you find a sense of peace during this pregnancy.
Juliana
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Congratulations Heather! I am so excited for you (and I’m due with my 2nd child 5 days before you!). I’ve been following your journey and ordering products off your website for over a year and a half now and I really feel like I know you, even though we’ve never met! I’m so happy for you and wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy.
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Congratulations! As came to mom4life tonight, before I read your blog, a voice in my head said, “maybe she is pregnant”. May God bless you during this exciting time and always.
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Congratulations!! Your post brought tears of joy and excitement for you to my eyes!!!
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Congratulations!! Your post brought tears of joy and excitement for you to my eyes!!!
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Hi Heather,
I just read your blog…and your announcement… I can’t tell you how happy I am for you! I have been praying for you that your loss and the memory of sweet little Sawyer would not put a cloud over this new litte one’s development and arrival, but rather make you treasure and appreciate each day of your pregnancy and time with this child more than you would have before. I pray that your joy over this blessing would not be stolen from you. Praise the Lord!!!! God bless!
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Heather,
My heart is filled with PURE JOY to hear the news! Our Lord is so faithful and oh soo good!!! I am so happy for you and your beautiful family! I pray for rest and relaxation for you. Congratulations Heather!!!!
Love and hugs,
Dayna
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Oh, Congratulations!! It must be scary, but so very exciting too! Just know, many, many prayers are making their way up to heaven for you for a healthy pregnancy, and a very healthy baby.
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Oh Heather, I am feeling everything you wrote – I can imagine all the things that your heart must be feeling and going through. I will be praying for you, your family, and this precious new baby who is being knit together inside you, by our Creator God. We will all walk this journey with you. Your story, your pain, your love, your heart, your hope are all shared by us who love and care for you. I will be praying for you and loving you and lifting you up as my sister in Christ.
Love
Lily
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Congratulations Heather! I am excited and praising the Lord with you! I pray that the pregnancy goes well and that the Lord will protect you and the new one on the way. I am due Jan 25ish with our second and have been following your blog for quite some time now. The loss of Sawyer has caused me to not assume that just because I am pregnant I will hold a baby in January. Rather that God has a plan and that plan may or may not be my plan and to leave it in His hands and focus on Him.
God Bless and I will continue praying for you and your family. Crystal
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I’m just catching up on my blog reading….and CONGRATS!! I’m so excited for you!!
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WOOOHOOO!!!!!!
SO happy for you. SO happy.
Like this—
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Oh, Heather, UI am so happy for you. I am a frequent visitor here, but infrequent comment-er! I am praying for your family now. You will get more and more excited I am sure as time passes. With any pregnancy you have doubts and fears, but yours are much more intense (with obvious reason) than most of us. My thoughts and prayers will continuously be with you.
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Oh, Heather!
I haven’t been by in awhile because things have been crazy around here, but I am sitting here now, bawling tears of joy. I am so happy for you, and I will be praying for you every day that this pregnancy is a healthy and happy one. God is so good. He is just, and he loves you. May He place His hand on that sweet little one that is growing inside you.
I look forward to your updates and will hold you all in my thoughts and prayers.
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Hi Heather,
My sister called yesterday and told me your good news! I just started crying! I am so happy for you guys. I think about you all the time and keep you in my prayers.
Blessings on you!
Anneke
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Congratulations Heather! I pray both the pregnancy and delivery will be a joy and a healing time as you welcome the new one into your family.
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We will pray you through the fog, one step at a time!
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Oh Heather! Congratulations
I am praying for you and your baby – take care of yourself! I’m so excited for you – hugs
Sorry I didn’t post sooner – I’ve been really behind lately
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Heather,
I’m so happy for you and your beautiful family. I started to cry the moment I saw your test strips. Joy entered my heart for your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers alot and I will continue to pray for you through this new journey through pregnancy. Again I’m so happy for you.
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Congratulations Heather!! I had a feeling you were pregnant and waiting for the right time to post about it.
We just came back from L.A. too:)
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Congrats Heather! I am so happy for your family. Praying for this pregnancy…God is Good!
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Dear Heather, I am so so so happy to hear this piece of good news. Will keep you, your family and the little one in prayer. Whatever the outcome, I know that God is good and also know that you will continue to trust in Him. xoxoSu Ling
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Heather,
I’m a little behind on reading my favorite blogs so I was THRILLED beyond belief when I went scrolling through your entries and saw the pictures of the preganancy tests! CONGRATULATIONS!! I am sending up prayers as we speak for a healthy pregancy and baby. With so many prayers, you have a lot of love and support in your corner of the world. Take care and enjoy this blessing.
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Heather,
Remember me………..
(amy waddington photography)
I am so very happy for you guys!!!! God IS good! :O)
I will continue to pray for you and your family!! Amy
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Congratulations! I am due June 29th and I’m glad I have someone else to follow in their pregnancy, even though I’m just a few days ahead of you!
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Heather,
I am so happy to read this wonderful news, and feel privileged that I am among those with whom it has been shared. I wish you and your family peace and joy, and a healthy baby to love at the end of this pregnancy. I feel in my heart that it is meant to be. Congratulations to you and your family!
Warm regards,
Val Sumner
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Congratulations to you and your family Heather! I wish you guys the best of what God has to offer you. Keep your chin up!! You are strong
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YES!!!
Heather I am so so happy for you and your beautiful family!
Please give your belly a love rub from me!
Rachel
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How did I miss this? Congratulations!! When I saw your most recent post with the the u/s, I had to come back & look for this post. Praying for you!
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