The tree and the secret wish by Heather Ledeboer
By Heather Ledeboer | Category: Pursuing God, Sawyer's Story, The Journey of Motherhood
Do you have any moments from your life that have given you personal assurance that there is a God? I do, several actually and perhaps in time I will get an opportunity to tell you about them. For today however one of them is significant to share.
When I was in college my mom and I traveled to Hong Kong. It was months before the "takeover" when Hong Kong would become part of China. We went to visit a missionary from our church and to help smuggle bibles into China. SEVERAL of my "can’t deny that there is a God moments" happened on that trip. One memory that I have had lingering in my mind since that visit to Hong Kong was when I was praying with someone and I had a vision. In this vision I saw a large tree in a field. It had long branches with many leaves. The wind was blowing through the leaves and as it did, the leaves were finding flight in the breeze and being carried away from the tree to destinations unknown. I had an impression that this tree was significant in some way to my life, but no insight as to how. Today I may have received at least part of the answer.
Today was my "due date", the day I could have been giving birth to our Sawyer, had he not died three weeks ago. We wanted to do something today to remember him. We decided to purchase and plant a tree in our back yard. We decided on a Weeping Willow and planted it near what will be the kid’s play area of the yard (our yard is still in the very early conception phase of taking shape). Trent dug the hole and we each wrote out something to bury with the roots of the tree on a piece of paper (well almost all of us, Ashlyn was napping and likely I wouldn’t have understood her message anyway:). I thought it was interesting that Hunter knew right away what he wanted me to write for him: "Dear Jesus, Help us to have a new baby soon." We buried our notes and secured the tree in it’s soil and watered the roots. We are told that this variety of Willow can grow about 5 feet a year so it shouldn’t take long before its branches are reaching toward the ground and the leaves are filtering in the wind.
This brings me back to the vision given to me 10 years ago about the tree. As I thought of this tree and what it represents to me, this journey, the strength of God, the son that we were given, Sawyer’s name that means "Sawer of wood", the lessons that we have learned, the many people that have spoken ways that this journey has touched them. . . I began to see how this tree will continue to grow and as it does so will the lessons we learn and pass on. The leaves from this tree will be carried by the wind to places we cannot see and have effects that we will never see. Whether this tree truly represents the vision I was given 10 years ago, I cannot say for sure but I do know that God is faithful and He has a plan and we can trust in that plan even if we do not know what it is because we trust the planner. The bible says that every one of our days was written down before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). Where we are at today is not an accident and I believe that God has us here for a reason, a good reason.
"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Ok on to part two of this post: the secret wish.
Shortly after finding out that Sawyer was no longer alive, the reality started sinking in about how much this would hurt emotionally to give birth and have to part with my son. The truth of the situation has settled in, so fully that today I found that the logical side of my personality was making it hard for me to even mentally daydream about what life might be like today had Sawyer not died. I could hardly envision myself still pregnant and going into labor to delivery a healthy baby boy. My mind simply kept reminding me "no that is not your reality, that is not your road to walk" "Uggghhhhh, I know!" I would think, "but can’t I just pretend for a little bit?" I found that the answer was a no, I couldn’t put myself in that place, my mind just wouldn’t go there.
Shortly after giving birth, I remember mentally running through my friends trying to think of someone, anyone, who had recently given birth that might have a little infant that I could hold. My arms simply wanted to be filled. It has been three weeks and my arms have not found a little baby to hold, until today.
Our family was driving to the mall late this afternoon and we stopped at a gas station to fill up. I decided to go inside and get a snack to eat (let me mention that I NEVER do this, there is simply nothing in a gas station that I typically crave to eat when I am hungry). Moments after going inside, I caught sight of a woman holding a baby behind the counter. Three young men were purchasing something and asking her how old the baby was. "Three weeks" was her answer. My pulse quickened, my mind raced and I found myself in a very funny position of wanting both to run out the door and equally, wanting to scoop that baby up in my arms and hold her close. I paced the isles a few times trying to decide just how ridiculous I might sound asking to hold her baby. I decided I didn’t care how it looked and walked over to her and asked. She agreed to let me and feeling I needed to offer some sort of explanation for my request, attempted to share with her my reason. Between my tears I believe she got the bulk of what I was saying and judging from the tears in her eyes, I know she understood. As I held that baby in my arms, three weeks old–just as old as Sawyer would have been had he been born alive on the 10th, my mind was finally able to wander just far enough from my reality and pretend, even if just for a moment, that the last three weeks of yesterdays never happened. Today of all days, God knew I needed that brief moment to let the tears fall for what could have been.
How you can pray:
-that God will take the leaves from our tree and blow them to all the right places.
Things I am thankful for:
-holding that baby today.
(If you are new to this blog and wish to see the story of our son from the first post, click on the category to the left titled "From a Mom 4 Life" and scroll to the bottom of the page. If you wish to get new blog posts sent to you via email, simply enter your email address in the box in the upper left hand corner).
oh my goodness, heather…
i can’t even IMAGINE what must have been going through your mind when you saw that baby behind the counter. i’m soooooo thankful that you chose today of all days go in for a snack. there’s a reason for it, i’m sure.
the tree is a wonderful way to remember Sawyer…i love that you all wrote little notes, too. so special.
i meant to comment earlier when i watched your video, but words weren’t coming to me. it was breathtaking. i can’t imagine you NOT having those memories to look back on…thank God for those wonderful people who offer that service.
i wish so badly that today could have been what it was supposed to be for you. you’ve amazed me (AGAIN) at how you’ve turned what could have been a “put your head under the covers and don’t look out until it’s over” day into one with such meaning.
xoxo
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Oh, thank God for that baby in the gas station.
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good morning heather
what wonderful words
o that sweet baby in the gas station
hunters words.
weeping willow.
sawer of wood.
thank you for your verse for today. i’m compiling verses, 1 a week for the the girls over the summer–this psalm is so reassuring and reminds us to look.
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God works in amazing ways! I have no doubt He sent you into that gas station. I’m praying for your leaves!
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This is beautiful (I say with tears straming down my face). Praying for you. God takes care of even the little details, he loves us so much. He hurts when we hurt.
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Oh Heather. This was beautiful.
Steph
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Heather that is a big step, a milestone. There was a baby that came to LLL that was born 2 days after Alexa. Those first few months, I would bathe that baby in tears, & it helped so much. It helped release the weight of those empty arms, that ache we have. Then there may be a time, when you do not want to see babies…that is normal too. Such a pendulum ride it can be. That is a beautiful tree for Sawyer..a wonderful memorial. Thinking of you.
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Yes I think you are so right, there is a pendulum ride. Like I said, I didn’t know if I wanted to run for the door or scoop her in my arms. . . oh the mix of emotion and pain it all brings. I am glad you had that baby to bathe in your tears.
-Heather L
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I thank you for the line, “God knew I needed that brief moment to let the tears fall for what could have been.” I feel silly sometimes when I grieve for what could have been, but I know for me it is part of the moving on process.
You don’t know me and I don’t know you or your story. This is the first time I have visited your blog, but that line was what I needed to read today. Thank you.
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The Weeping Willow is my favorite tree! If trees have personality, those certainly have the greatest. They seem to always tell a story. God Bless you always.
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What an AMAZING story of your day. I completely believe that things happen for a reason. I am so glad that you were able have that moment at the gas station. I bet it meant a lot to the lady to be able to give that to you and share it with you.
I can not wait to see the pictures of how big and beautiful your tree grows.
Thank you so much for sharing your day.
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Heather-
I totally understand your needing to hold that little baby. Our nephew had a baby girl right around the time I was due with my baby girl we had lost, and I really loved holding that little girl, as did my daughter. I know that we were both grieving our little girl who was with Jesus.
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Just another example of how God knows exactly what we need, when we need it . . . and His timing is so perfect. Your strength blows me away and your unwavering faith has been such an inspiration to me. It’s what I’ve needed. Your leaves have already made it to Indianapolis!
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I am so touched by your words – tears once again. Thanks to God for that appointment in the gas station of all places. =)
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Heather,
I love you! Your vision is amazing. The tribute to Sawyer with the weeping willow is perfect. My heart just aches reading your post. Heavenly Father is aware of you and the special moment in the gas station was divinely designed.
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Hi Heather…I posted to you on the Diaper Hunt message board last week, but felt compelled to send you a message today. Your story has just really touched my heart. I find myself compelled to keep reading your blog. You are such a strong woman and your words are inspirational. I loved the video tribute to Sawyer…what a beautiful baby boy. I have been praying especially for strength and comfort for you and your family, knowing that your due date was coming up. The willow tree is such a special way to celebrate his life. I hope the leaves blow my way. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
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I’ve been out of town for the past few days and am just now catching up on some of your recent blog posts. Thank you for sharing the video of Sawyer and the rest of your family.
I sometimes don’t know exactly what to say because the words never seem like they sound right or are enough. But know that I think of you and your family every single day and lift you all up in prayer.
I know that it is so hard to deal with the what could have, should have beens. And thank God you have Him to help you through this very difficult time.
I cry with you during so many of your posts and continue to pray for you with each and every post.
(((Hugs)))
Ingrid
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Oh Heather…
I write this comment with tears in my eyes and a very heavy beating heart. I want you to know that I am thinking of you – everyday… and of Sawyer. It’s ironic that you posted about this tree because my husband and I were at our son’s school on the 21st of May. And it’s in a very woody area, lots of trees. My mother was with us… and we started talking about you and Sawyer when we were out there looking at the trees and seeing the beauty and wonder of them. We were saying how beautiful the name Sawyer was…
You have touched my life completely… as has your son…
Keeping you in my heart and prayers,
Audrey
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Oh Heather…
I write this comment with tears in my eyes and a very heavy beating heart. I want you to know that I am thinking of you – everyday… and of Sawyer. It’s ironic that you posted about this tree because my husband and I were at our son’s school on the 21st of May. And it’s in a very woody area, lots of trees. My mother was with us… and we started talking about you and Sawyer when we were out there looking at the trees and seeing the beauty and wonder of them. We were saying how beautiful the name Sawyer was…
You have touched my life completely… as has your son…
Keeping you in my heart and prayers,
Audrey
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I can see you holding that little baby and hugging it. I have tears just thinking about it. I’m glad that you got to hug on a little baby. Sometimes we all need a little baby snuggle to help it all.
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Heather, it can be overwhelming to feel both the urge to run and the urge to get in closer at the same time. I have had many experiences like that in the last few years. I hope that holding that little baby brought some sense of peace to you and I hope the future will bring even more peace.
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I love that video, although it was so hard to watch! I grieve with you, Heather, and your whole family. Seeing your parents holding little Sawyer was so precious. You stated it perfectly-God has used a baby to touch so many lives.
I have had many of those experiences where you just know God exists. One such recently was reading the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. His desription of heaven is so vivid that it makes it real.
Your tree is beautiful, and I am so glad you got to hold that baby and dream if only for a moment.
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I think that baby and her mom was in that gas station that day just for you! Really, I do. I’m sooo glad you had a chance to get to hold the baby.
Love the tree, what a perfect choice.
I still cannot even begin to fathom all that you have been through, but your strength always amazes me and definitely makes me step back and look at the things in my life and be more grateful for what I have. I know Sawyer is smiling down on you all.
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oh Heather. I just wanted to tell you I pray for you often. And I’ve got tears in my eyes for you today.
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I am very thankful that the mother of the baby had such a beautiful servant’s heart in that she reached out to you in that way. I pray as ever that the perfect messengers come to bring you peace and solace and that your tears are tears of healing.
shannon
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What a blessing that woman and her baby were there at the store. Even though I know it had to of been painful…God knew it was what you needed at that moment in time. My heart aches for you.
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Heather, huge HUGS to you during this time. My heart aches for you.
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Heather,
I type this message to you with tears streaming down my face as the 2 year anniversary of my due date approaches on Sunday. I know all too well how it feels to lose a baby. I lost my quadruplets at 20 weeks after battling infertility for 10 1/2 years. They were all stillborn.
I hope that my angel boys have found your angel and are playing with each other in the gardens above.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
The picture montage of your family w/Sawyer is beautiful.
The weeping willow with your messages buried uder it is so great. What a wonderful way to memorialize your sweet angel.
Please know that my ears are always open. If you ever want/need to talk, if even to a complete stranger, I’m here. You may email me at any time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
~Dawn
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